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The Perfect Thief (my first short story) (1 Viewer)

What do you feel about the story

  • Terrible.

    Votes: 1 33.3%
  • Below average

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Good

    Votes: 1 33.3%
  • Impressive

    Votes: 1 33.3%
  • Outstanding

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    3

Kate

Member
Honestly? I think you used, maybe too much exclamation marks and overall it wasn't that funny, but it held my interest long enough for me to reach the end. Personally I feel the monologues could have been broken up a bit too.
 

Gaurav

Senior Member
Thanks for your comment and suggestions. Hmm, I expected this to be funny, but its okay if you didn't like it.
 

A_Jones

Senior Member
I think it is quite cute! If you want it to be funny you have to change just a little bit of how you tell the story. I got confused with who was talking when. So I would suggest you go back and look at how you wrote that. Also the father daughter dialogue was clipped. Throw some colloquialism in there. Make it comfortable. Where are they? In his study? How old is she? High school? You can throw that stuff in there without making it too wordy or too much explanation. This stuff is important though because it helps the reader feel secure, and their security is what causes them to be able to relax and find the irony of your story funny.

Also play a lot more into the absurdity of the situation.

Let me explain. I laughed so hard once at a movie. In the move people were accidentally caught breaking in somewhere and, just like your guy, was thought to belong there. but it didn't stop there, the guards not only thought they were one of them, but they gave them a gun and saluted them. the main characters were shocked, they turned the gun around and shot the guards. I laughed SOOO hard. There was more to it than that of course, its all to do with the facial features and what they say. Paint us the picture of the hilarity.

But all that being said, I found it quite cute as is. I enjoyed it a lot, and I wasn't feeling too well, so thank you!
 

A_Jones

Senior Member
Thank you. But is a chapter not the whole story. I will understand if you are not interested in slowly reading a whole book. Thank you. And again, nice work!
 

Gaurav

Senior Member
Thank you. But is a chapter not the whole story. I will understand if you are not interested in slowly reading a whole book. Thank you. And again, nice work!

I will read it and give my honest opinion on it, but I would love to read any of your short stories or poetry if you have published here.
 

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