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The Old Geezer (1 Viewer)

Torus34

Senior Member
I'm still here, an elderly dude who can't resist the lure of doggerel. [Aside: The reference to the song, I'm Still Here, is intentional.] This morning I considered my description of myself. The result was . . .

The Old Geezer.

I love our language. It can say
What ere we mean precisely.
Its nuances parse complex thoughts,
Displays them all quite nicely.

And once we know its basic rules
We can freely forge ahead.
The rules will guide us, tongue and pen,
As we say what’s to be said.

Take writers; we all know they write.
And walkers? Well, they walk.
Fighters enter rings and fight
And talkers? How they talk!

And here I am, a geezer old.
About that do not sneeze.
I simply go and do my thing.
And what is that? I geez.

[Side note: Groans are also appreciated!]
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Things like this, while some find it cute...can become a bit of a chore to read because the rhyme and content are over contrived. The subject, while innocuous struggles to resonate with the reader. Noun does verb. Not overly creative.

As a whole it's functional. That is as far as it gets. The narrator claims to love language, but that claim falls short because there is nothing unique in the language of this piece. A reader will skim through it once and completely forget about it seconds after they finish.

As a reader, I felt like this is why classic poetry gets a bad reputation. Overwhelming rhymes schemes and generic content.

Rhyming when done well is a powerful tool, when taken for granted it is like an out of tune instrument, its presence discordant and jarring.

Also, old geezer is redundant because geezer by its very definition is inherently old. Consider removing the old and let the noun itself function without the adjective.

- D.
 
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Matchu

Senior Member
Ach, I think it’s entertaining. :)

In BrE ‘geezer’ carries no suggestion of elderly:

….two fellas, two blokes, a couple of lads, geezers, suppose…seen them knocking about town,’ said Matchu describing his youthful assailants.

How about ‘codger’?
 

LivingPoetintheFlesh

Senior Member
The rhyming overpowers the poem, I think this poem would be better suited in free verse because at least it would show your ability to tell a story rather than to shoehorn rhymes in there.
 
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PiP

Staff member
Co-Owner
I'm still here, an elderly dude who can't resist the lure of doggerel. [Aside: The reference to the song, I'm Still Here, is intentional.] This morning I considered my description of myself. The result was . . .

The Old Geezer.

[Side note: Groans are also appreciated!]
Don't worry I'm a Pam Ayres fan.:)

I sometimes enjoy a poem because its meaning is clear and I don't need to spend hours scratching my head trying to decode the metaphor.
 

Torus34

Senior Member
Things like this, while some find it cute...can become a bit of a chore to read because the rhyme and content are over contrived. The subject, while innocuous struggles to resonate with the reader. Noun does verb. Not overly creative.

As a whole it's functional. That is as far as it gets. The narrator claims to love language, but that claim falls short because there is nothing unique in the language of this piece. A reader will skim through it once and completely forget about it seconds after they finish.

As a reader, I felt like this is why classic poetry gets a bad reputation. Overwhelming rhymes schemes and generic content.

Rhyming when done well is a powerful tool, when taken for granted it is like an out of tune instrument, its presence discordant and jarring.

Also, old geezer is redundant because geezer by its very definition is inherently old. Consider removing the old amd let the noun itself function without the adjective.

- D.

Hi, Darkkin!

Thank you for your careful critique. I did preface the poem with a reference to doggerel, which the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines as "loosely styled and irregular in measure especially for burlesque or comic effect" ... "also : marked by triviality or inferiority." I plead guilty to all charges! Regards, best to you and yours.
 
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Torus34

Senior Member
Ach, I think it’s entertaining. :)

In BrE ‘geezer’ carries no suggestion of elderly:

….two fellas, two blokes, a couple of lads, geezers, suppose…seen them knocking about town,’ said Matchu describing his youthful assailants.

How about ‘codger’?

Hi, Matchu!

I find fascination in the differences between English in the United States and English in, well, England. As someone remarked, we're two countries divided by a common language.

Regards, and thank you for taking time to comment.
 

Torus34

Senior Member
The rhyming overpowers the poem, I think this poem would be better suited in free verse because at least it would show your ability to tell a story rather than to shoehorn rhymes in there.

Hi, LivingPoetintheFlesh!

Doggerel is, well, doggerel. Rhyme, sometimes crudely used, is part of the package. Perhaps going to blank, as opposed to free verse would still be doggie enough without violating the requirements of the form. Thank you for commenting! Regards.
 

Torus34

Senior Member
Don't worry I'm a Pam Ayres fan.:)

I sometimes enjoy a poem because its meaning is clear and I don't need to spend hours scratching my head trying to decode the metaphor.

Hi, PiP!

Thank for reading and posting. My poem was no better than I intended it to be. Hope it provided either a grin or a groan. Sincere regards!
 
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Phil Istine

WF Veterans
I find some humour in the piece and it is what it is. I do feel that the need to rhyme governs the word selection, That's okay if aiming for a light jaunt, less so if going for something deep and meaningful.
Something I specifically pick up on: the meter drifts around a bit and you resolve this in one line by switching noun and adjective ("...geezer old...") which helps to make things feel a little contrived, but this showcase section isn't about in-depth critique so I'll leave it at that.
 

Torus34

Senior Member
I find some humour in the piece and it is what it is. I do feel that the need to rhyme governs the word selection, That's okay if aiming for a light jaunt, less so if going for something deep and meaningful.
Something I specifically pick up on: the meter drifts around a bit and you resolve this in one line by switching noun and adjective ("...geezer old...") which helps to make things feel a little contrived, but this showcase section isn't about in-depth critique so I'll leave it at that.

Hi, Phil Istine! [Love the handle!]

Thanks for the comment. The nice thing about pre-announcing a poem as doggerel is that it doesn't get a prospective reader's hopes up. Some of my stuff is more contrived, some not. And once in a while I toss in a little trochee just for giggles. They're kinda like speed bumps. Finally, when my Muse appears and blesses my keyboard, I do try to write serious poetry. I shan't bore you with an example.

Regards, and thanks for reading and commenting.
 

TuesdayEve

Friends of WF
It’s cute and said in a playful way but I get it, especially the old part. I like rhyming too. In fact, I wrote…
wait!…… I’ll post it! Look for…..
Old Lady Blues
 
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Torus34

Senior Member
Hi, TuesdayEve!

I've already got you pegged as full of grace!

Old Lady Blues has to resonate with many, many folks. Few indeed are those who haven't dieted -- and fallen off the wagon. As to writing 'bout something you know, I'm sneaking through my 88th year. Geezerdom comes very naturally for me.

Thank you so much for the post. I've a suspicion we could chat up a storm over a good glass of whatever's appropriate.

Best to you and yours. j
 
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