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The Ol' Radio Flyer (1 Viewer)

S.M. grimbldoo

Senior Member
The ol' Radio Flyer sits
Out back in the forgotten yard
The sun kisses it
The weeds hug it
And cobwebs form a fancy little skirt

The metal's all rusted
The wheels squeak
The handle wont turn
And the body flakes
No longer ideal for children

Yet even in its age
It remains a good friend
It still carries the twigs
And other such trinkets
That we collected together
So many years ago
 
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Ariel

WF Veterans
I know that in poetry line breaks can be used to create pauses but the enjambment of ideas from one line to another in this poem coupled with the lack of punctuation causes some lines to feel like they're misplaced. For example line five of stanza two feels disjointed. It belongs in the stanza but it literally jolted me from reading the poem. I had to go back and find my place again because I was thinking of children with rusting bodies.

The nostalgia attempt also falls flat and I'm going to once again blame that on lack of punctuation. I would also drop "but" as the first word of the third stanza as it makes "even" redundant. Also in the last stanza a second person appears without warning.

I like the idea of this and I don't have a problem with the subject or your treatment of it. I think this can be a very sweet reminiscing poem about childhood love or hate.
 

S.M. grimbldoo

Senior Member
I had to go back and find my place again because I was thinking of children with rusting bodies.
Thanks for pointing that out, I even misspelled "hug." Children rusting? That's quite an imagination.
The nostalgia attempt also falls flat and I'm going to once again blame that on lack of punctuation. I would also drop "but" as the first word of the third stanza as it makes "even" redundant. Also in the last stanza a second person appears without warning.
I can't very well be nostalgic about something that I didn't experience :tongue2:. Our teacher asked us to whip this up in a couple minutes from a picture he showed us...this was the best I could do :apologetic:.

I think this can be a very sweet reminiscing poem about childhood love or hate.
I think I stick with love, I don't want to read hate into to it.

Thanks for the pointers.
 
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Lewdog

WF Veterans
Sometimes it's hard to let childhood go. This brings back a lot of memories to me, good and bad. Good job!
 
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