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The mould of perfection (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
He had designed a distinct mould.
He wanted humans to come out of it
as per, his definition of perfect,
height, weight, colour, IQ in the race.
Rest of the humans, not so perfect,
sent to chambers, to exhale life out of them.
He couldn't stay alive longer.
If he could have, and if things had worked his way,
he could have been the leader of billion clones,
nothing more than robots,
but quite so perfect per his definition.

( Can we think of a world in single colour. Either brown or green or blue or white?)


The revised one

He had designed a distinct mould,
wanted humans as per, his definition of perfect,
height, weight, colour, IQ.
To the rest not so perfect,
sent to chambers, to exhale life out of them.
He couldn't stay alive longer.
If he could have things worked his way,
he could have been the leader of a billion clones,
nothing more than robots,
but perfect per his definition.



Ritu
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

This is a challenging subject to write about, I think you’ve created a stark piece that does the subject matter justice. I’ve left a few suggestions below.

Cheers

Syd





He had designed a distinct mould.
He wanted humans to come out of it
as per, his definition of perfect,
height, weight, colour, IQ in the race.
It may seem heavy in terms of strike throughs, but by loosing what I’ve highlighted I think you make the piece blunter the imagery more stark.
Rest of the humans, not so perfect, Could you change this to the rest?
sent to chambers, to exhale life out of them.
He couldn't stay alive longer.
If he could have, and if things had worked his way,
he could have been the leader of a billion clones,
nothing more than robots,
but quite so perfect per his definition.

( Can we think of a world in single colour. Either brown or green or blue or white?) Do you need this line? It feels like an afterthought that softens the impact of what comes before.

Ritu
 
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