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The Morning Bell (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
The morning bell

Before the first drop of dawn
And the first shine of morn
Before the first ever chirp of early bird
And wanderers begin their journey as herd
Long night silence, wanting a break
For it's half day baton, someone else to take
The morning bells are ringing and ringing
Life is there, in its own tone it is singing
It has eaten all the sound
And it is binging and binging

The echoes are echoing
That the hopes don't die
Dreams in our dreams
Off , just not fly
Signs of beats as only merry sound repeat
To wake up pathways and the streets
Calling thee and calling all
Knocking and knocking
For you to rise, not to fall

Wake up now,
For your life to dance
Morning bell is calling you
Day has given you another chance

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 

rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
The morning bell has given you another chance- a metaphor expressing second chances.

This poem has much potential- but you need to cut this down. In S1(stanza) many of your rhymes are forced. You need to make your rhymes seem natural -

"Before the first ever chirp of early bird
And wanderers begin their journey as herd" this is a forced rhyme

this sentence is convoluted ---

as night turns to dawn the early bird wakes
and sings her morning song in her nest on the lake


this is a more coherent couplet where the rhyme is part of the couplet.

Much of poem seems forced and rushed. You need to make this softer. Look at my couplet- it creates a soft image --it's showing not telling. Most of your piece is telling not showing.


Life is there, in its own tone it is singing
It has eaten all the sound
And it is binging and binging


this is telling- this is not fully visual -what's it singing and what's binging-it seems this word was used just to rhyme. Life is an abstract term- it doesn't sing-

the tadpole turns to frog and croaks her morning song
it silences the moon-soaked noise of the night



a tadpole turning to frog is a visual of life and rather than eating sound it silences the noise of the night- you can visualize night life.

I hope I made some things clear but you need to give a hard look at your poem - see what works and what doesn't- and make a more visual poem.

You have the skills and the talent to make this poem pop.


warmest
bob
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
The morning bell has given you another chance- a metaphor expressing second chances.

This poem has much potential- but you need to cut this down. In S1(stanza) many of your rhymes are forced. You need to make your rhymes seem natural -

"Before the first ever chirp of early bird
And wanderers begin their journey as herd" this is a forced rhyme

this sentence is convoluted ---

as night turns to dawn the early bird wakes
and sings her morning song in her nest on the lake


this is a more coherent couplet where the rhyme is part of the couplet.

Much of poem seems forced and rushed. You need to make this softer. Look at my couplet- it creates a soft image --it's showing not telling. Most of your piece is telling not showing.


Life is there, in its own tone it is singing
It has eaten all the sound
And it is binging and binging


this is telling- this is not fully visual -what's it singing and what's binging-it seems this word was used just to rhyme. Life is an abstract term- it doesn't sing-

the tadpole turns to frog and croaks her morning song
it silences the moon-soaked noise of the night



a tadpole turning to frog is a visual of life and rather than eating sound it silences the noise of the night- you can visualize night life.

I hope I made some things clear but you need to give a hard look at your poem - see what works and what doesn't- and make a more visual poem.

You have the skills and the talent to make this poem pop.


warmest
bob

Sure Sir. After a long gap I am reading this. Sorry to reply so late.
Highly appreciate your response
Ritu
 
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