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The Moonless Night (1 Viewer)

stony

Senior Member
I peered into the moonless night,
Where darkness holds an extra weight,
And shadow has devoured the light,
And fear creeps with a dreadful gait.

I saw the ghosts of my mistakes,
And obligations I've not met,
The doubt in having what it takes,
The haunted mountain of regret.

I saw the void of my esteem,
For everything I have achieved,
Neglected dusty forlorn dreams,
A younger self had once conceived.

And as I shiver in the cold,
Fixated on what isn't right,
I see above the stars of old,
Shine brightest in the darkest night.

They shine against this shadow land,
Despite the curse of its dismay,
For long the night may seem to stand,
It always falls before the day.
 

MiloFife

Member
I really enjoyed reading this poem. (At least three or four times through). The only clunk for me is "Shine brightest in the darkest night" feels like it should be "Shone/shine brightest on the darkest night". Total semantics of tense i guess

I look forward to reading more of your work
 

dannyboy

Friends of WF
I'd try to remove one of the "shines" they are too close to each other and so jar the reader out of the poem...in my opinion.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
I peered into the moonless night,
I peer
Where darkness holds an extra weight,
And shadow has devoured the light,
​fabulous imagery!!!
And fear creeps with a dreadful gait.
this first stanza is fierce! I love the second line... i understand exactly
what you mean, sometimes the darkness does feel heavy....beautifully expressed...

I saw the ghosts of my mistakes,
I am not going to "rap your knuckles" for using the word "of"
But try to find a different way ..
And obligations I've not met,
The doubt in having what it takes,
The haunted mountain of regret.
again.. "mountain of regret".. of... try to avoid..

I saw the void of my esteem,
"of" example: I saw my empty self esteem...
For everything I have achieved,
Neglected dusty forlorn dreams,
A younger self had once conceived.

And as I shiver in the cold,
Shiver in the cold... try something unexpected.... something new..
Fixated on what isn't right,
I see above the stars of old,
Shine brightest in the darkest night. Oooops! you slipped in a sneaky cliché ... :)

They shine against this shadow land,
shine is a generic word, here is your chance to add some of your outstanding imagery...
Despite the curse of its dismay,
For long the night may seem to stand,
It always falls before the day.

This is a very nice poem, but with attention to creative phrases and imagery, you can bring all the stanzas up to the gorgeous level of your first stanza....
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

You’ve had some great feedback on this already, I really dig the first stanza and I think the conceit behind mistakes, memories moments following the narrator like ghosts is a great conceit for the piece.

I did however, struggle with the cadence of the piece at times, there are points towards the denouement where I think you lose a little bit of rhythm and flow.

Hope this helps

Cheers

Syd
 

escorial

WF Veterans
I is a word that often reads in a direct formal way... I'd try.....to peer...the ghost of my mystakes appear...stuff like that
 

stony

Senior Member
This is a very nice poem, but with attention to creative phrases and imagery, you can bring all the stanzas up to the gorgeous level of your first stanza....

I truly appreciate your feedback. You've given me a lot to think about and I plan on putting in the work.
 

stony

Senior Member
Hello,

You’ve had some great feedback on this already, I really dig the first stanza and I think the conceit behind mistakes, memories moments following the narrator like ghosts is a great conceit for the piece.

I did however, struggle with the cadence of the piece at times, there are points towards the denouement where I think you lose a little bit of rhythm and flow.

Hope this helps

Cheers

Syd

I know what you mean. There are few places where I think the words are awkward. I think this one is worth the effort to make it right though. I'll post a rewrite when I have it done. Thanks for reading, Syd!
 
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