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The Masterpiece (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Revision

Two waves cross,
amplitude and frequency
in perfect balance;
making the moment
a masterpiece.
Strangers part ways
with their treasures inside.
They know,
they can never have that again.

Original

Those are the two waves
crossing each other.
The amplitude, the frequency, the symmetry
matching in perfect balance,
making the moment
a masterpiece.
Strangers part ways
with their treasures inside.
They know
they can never have that again.


Ritu
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

What I appreciate here is the way in which the narrator captures moment, in a way the piece is timeless, the scene depicted could be nothing more than seconds yet there is a sense of how this moment is carried beyond and away from the moment of conception. It’s the way in which something trivial can carry a particular sense of meaning to one person but not the other.

Fundamentally I don’t this piece needs much adding to it, but I might argue that it could be pared back in places to really tighten and strengthen its impact.


Cheers

Syd
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hello,

What I appreciate here is the way in which the narrator captures moment, in a way the piece is timeless, the scene depicted could be nothing more than seconds yet there is a sense of how this moment is carried beyond and away from the moment of conception. It’s the way in which something trivial can carry a particular sense of meaning to one person but not the other.

Fundamentally I don’t this piece needs much adding to it, but I might argue that it could be pared back in places to really tighten and strengthen its impact.


Cheers

Syd
Thanks Syd. I will work on it again.

Ritu
 

Torus34

Senior Member
The image of two waves meeting might lend itself to a haiku 5-7-5 thusly:

Two great waves combine
Merge, interact, go their way
Across winter sea.

A poor example, but I'm still in the process of getting outside my first cup of coffee!

Nice work!
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
The image of two waves meeting might lend itself to a haiku 5-7-5 thusly:

Two great waves combine
Merge, interact, go their way
Across winter sea.

A poor example, but I'm still in the process of getting outside my first cup of coffee!

Nice work!
I don't have any idea of haiku, Torus. But this 5-7-5 idea is cool and your incomplete haiku is equally cool.
Two great waves combine
Merge
Interact go their way
Across winter sea

I loved it

Ritu
 

Torus34

Senior Member
I don't have any idea of haiku, Torus. But this 5-7-5 idea is cool and your incomplete haiku is equally cool.
Two great waves combine
Merge
Interact go their way
Across winter sea

I loved it

Ritu

Hi!

I'm honored that you found it worth reading.

Best wishes to you and yours. And congrats on your medal. A poem a day, if something more than the doggerel I write, is no mean feat.
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi!

I'm honored that you found it worth reading.

Best wishes to you and yours. And congrats on your medal. A poem a day, if something more than the doggerel I write, is no mean feat.
You would love it. We all had fun doing that, nothing serious, just enjoyed the sail for thirty days.

Thanks for your wishes.
Good luck

Ritu
 

Bloggsworth

WF Veterans
I hope you don't mind, but I cannot overcome my urge to edit the beginning of the poem as I feel that the lead in lacks concision:

Those are the two waves
crossing each other.
The amplitude, the frequency, the symmetry - to my mind symmetry already implies both matching and balance.
matching in perfect balance,

Two waves cross,
amplitude and frequency
in perfect balance


Don't mind me if you disagree, I have these urges from time to time, must be lockdown fever...
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
I hope you don't mind, but I cannot overcome my urge to edit the beginning of the poem as I feel that the lead in lacks concision:

Those are the two waves
crossing each other.
The amplitude, the frequency, the symmetry - to my mind symmetry already implies both matching and balance.
matching in perfect balance,

Two waves cross,
amplitude and frequency
in perfect balance


Don't mind me if you disagree, I have these urges from time to time, must be lockdown fever...
I agree with you, I think I did it overly. I swear it's a lockdown fever for me and I am really doing things overly...
Thanks for bringing that overly written to normal and I am incorporating your suggestion.

Ritu
 
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