Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

The Masquerade Ball (1 Viewer)

Lumiiberry

Senior Member
I stand there in the crowd
My identity hidden from the world like a sunken treasure.
We don our masks to hide our true intentions.
Some look for love,
Some look for revenge,
And others want to feel accepted.
Those of us with no real intention pretend to have one
Despite the lack of motivation or depth.
These are simply outliers that exploit the weak and benefit the strong.
I am one of those with no ulterior motives
Nor any experience or expectations.
All I do is meander about and make small talk
Like a wandering traveler on a lonely trail.
Someone walks up to me, asking a question no one dared to:
“Who are you?”
All eyes are on me, and the man is sweating.
He staggers off to recollect, and I try to take hold of my fear.
No one would dare to ask this again.
For at this masquerade ball
No one can show their true face to the public
Or their true intentions.
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
I stand there in the crowd
My identity hidden from the world like a sunken treasure.
We don our masks to hide our true intentions.
Some look for love,
Some look for revenge,
And others want to feel accepted.
Those of us with no real intention pretend to have one
Despite the lack of motivation or depth.
These are simply outliers that exploit the weak and benefit the strong.
I am one of those with no ulterior motives
Nor any experience or expectations.
All I do is meander about and make small talk
Like a wandering traveler on a lonely trail.
Someone walks up to me, asking a question no one dared to:
“Who are you?”
All eyes are on me, and the man is sweating.
He staggers off to recollect, and I try to take hold of my fear.
No one would dare to ask this again.
For at this masquerade ball
No one can show their true face to the public
Or their true intentions.

Wow!!! The real meaning of mask. You did it really well. Although intention is the main motive of poem, but those ones, who are too broken inside, they too wear masks, with the outer mask of starting everything with laughs. Please dont mind if I intruded. Wonderful piece.
Keep writing Lumiiberry, you are really doing it well.

Good luck
Ritu
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Definitely an interesting piece and I like the way in which you utilised the setting to explore the motivation behind wearing a mask whether metaphorical or physical. For me I would try to expand upon this concept, why is the speaker there? They state that they have not motive for being there, but surely they have a reason for being there at least and what happens to this character that asks the speaker who they are? And why do they do so? What’s the motive for breaching such an important facet of the masquerade?

Finally I would perhaps play with breaking the piece up into stanzas. That would help to slow the piece down and in doing so give the reader more time to absorb what’s going on.

Hope this helps

Cheers

Syd
 

Bloggsworth

WF Veterans
I feel it's too explanatory, for something hidden it tells us all; and there is the jump from the particular to the general; may I suggest something along the lines of:

In the crowd, identity hidden.
As with others, intentions masked.
Some seek love, some revenge

Please feel free to ignore all I say, it's just me wearing my editors hat...
 

TheMightyAz

Staff member
Mentor
I feel it's too explanatory, for something hidden it tells us all; and there is the jump from the particular to the general; may I suggest something along the lines of:

In the crowd, identity hidden.
As with others, intentions masked.
Some seek love, some revenge

Please feel free to ignore all I say, it's just me wearing my editors hat...

Can you flesh the bolded out? I get it in general terms but would like for it to be explained in terms of writing from an 'editor'. :)
 

Bloggsworth

WF Veterans
Can you flesh the bolded out? I get it in general terms but would like for it to be explained in terms of writing from an 'editor'. :)

I'll try.

I stand there in the crowd
My identity hidden from the world like a sunken treasure. -
The point of sunken treasure is that it is hidden, so do you need to tell us?
We don our masks to hide our true intentions. -
Present tense, so how was your identity hidden before donning your mask? If using we do you also need our - We donned masks, or we had donned masks... Past tense.
Some look for love,
Some look for revenge,



...sunken treasure. Where is the treasure in the aimless, a promise unfulfilled, as you tell us later in the poem?

...hide our true intentions. Has the air of something nefarious when, in fact, you are just lurking. The opening has a promise of an excitement unrealised, when you later admit to being there under false pretences.

It's all rather passive, you meander, you have no intentions, you don't dance, you dont drink - Why the hell were you even there? You could have been just as anonymous in your front room with a six-pack of tinnies and a good cigar. It is the poem of a nobody, you don't even appear to be getting a vicarious pleasure out of the process.

I waltz with a beautiful woman,
offer her champagne,
melt back into the teeming throng...
Something happens, a Lone Ranger moment "Who was that masked man?" yet you are still unknown, your identity still hidden, but you have made an impact. As Winston Churchill was wont to say: "Action this day."
 
Top