Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

The Lark and Otter (1 Viewer)

JoTheOtter

Senior Member
The Lark and Otter

He rises and begins to round.

His soul as light as feathers sounds,
Dances lightly through the trees:
It beckons him to soar with breeze
As others watch him in surprise.

The Lark flies and begins to round.

Blue and bright is the spark he has,
Embers shooting as he flies.
Phoenix blue and soaring,
No care of others but the sky.

The otter rounds and begins to beckon.
The sweetly sound on water gently:
Yes, so gently his little heart begins to bound!

He rounds on embers blue, the Lark on High;
Yes, he wishes to fly with such rapt delight.
With quaint eyes, they see these sights:
One in water, the other in air.

An immeasurable distant apart.

And yet still they loved the other:
Their differences made it all the sweeter:
Their souls down below craved the other.
Their love was the most profound of all.

The lark ascends, the otter watches.
His fur begins to stand and play in air:
He bounds through grass and wild--
He soars through water to see and hear!

To hear the drop of the silver chain resound,
The pipe and the scream of the gentle lark.
He simply loved, that was all:
Little otter on water soaring as high as He.

But simple animals, and yet so much more.
Their kind is but our kind from afar:
But cousins in our evolution so far outstretching.
And simple yet they may be...

They love far greater than any human alive.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

This is a really nice piece, I really like the way in which you have twisted the natural and created what feels like a romance, there is a sense of sadness throughout this which really resonates throughout and speaks to the reader.

In terms of criticism I feel that you do close the loop at the very beginning of the piece with, “begins to round,” being repeated so close in the beginning. For me it feels like you build a really nice natural rhythm throughout only to stop it in its tracks.

For me I would also suggest and perhaps this was the intent, but I feel like you don’t spend enough of the piece building the relationship to then separate the two. I would just like the vocal points to interact a little more throughout.

Hope this helps, looking forward to where this goes

Cheers

Syd
 
Top