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THE JEALOUS SEA (1 Viewer)

ladygarmadone17

Senior Member
THE JEALOUS SEA

I will find what makes my life incompetent
To hard to struggle in, to survive

But
Must I sacrifice so much
To turn war into wisdom
Panic into peace
Sorrow from drawn straws
Into gilded happiness
Unobtainable

Nonetheless, I will try
To change my preeminently obstructive ways
Seek the truth, but verify it first
With facts and validity
Not just by emotions that fly
By the seat of our pants

The jealous sea
A dangerous force
A freak of nature in this
Socio-economic balance of life
Yet whose politics
Betray my understanding

But You see I’m not a politician
Like a supposed president
Whom, may I also add, wasn’t born in a political family
And whose donations are the true
Embodiment of change I seek
Not like some half-assed hand-me-down loan
From some rigid bank down the street
Being bailed time and again
For no apparent reason

Yet the jealous sea
Beckons to me to its changes
To turn away from the calm routine waves
And embrace the winds of change
Their idea of change
Futile but with useless ways to reframe our history
To stir chaos into this great American melting pot
Watching our world burn at the stakes we claim

Against This Jealous Sea of confusion
Among its runoff of many rumors
I will write my own truth


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 

MikeDwight

Senior Member
Whats that do for you personally? Reminds me of backrooms in a political office instead of personal use. They don't even like Politician Families anymore. They like rephrasing where suitable. So hey poets showcase and round of applause, I mean that was a good read. Do you intend to make a rhyme scheme, I'm curious? Whats the Jealous Sea?
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
As a reader this piece does not really become cohesive until S6, L2, that is where the message gains traction. The use of incompetent in S1, L1 also comes across as odd. A person can be incompetent about specific thing, life is not one of those things. As life is the sum of its parts. Thusly the context of the line is very garbled. And should to, actually be too? Might be better to just clip the stanza and start at S2.

e.g.

Must I scarifice so much
to turn war to wisdom

For the majority of the piece it wanders rather aimlessly, as if trying to cover all topics, political and socialital and it come across as vague and underdeveloped. Unlike politics and life, poetry does need to pick a direction. This is disjointed...A case of too many ideas in the kitchen, and not knowing quiet what point to make.

The idea of Jealousy as a driving force for change has impact, but it gets lost in the weeds. Consider starting with L1, L2 from S4, invert them and make them the opening to S6. Try reading the piece as is and with the splice, consider what you hear.

e.g.

A dangerous force
the jealous sea
beckons with its change
hints of new ideals

freshening winds
feed the fire
on which it stands,
the heirloom melting pot

wield the spoon
and the chaos
it will bring...

stir, wake the currents
deep and sweeping
as the untamed sea

There is a powerful piece waiting in here, but it needs some care to bring its message and heart into focus. Also be aware of word choice. S6 Change is used three times in four lines. Repetition often dulls impact.

The last stanza actually has enough chops to stand as a poem of its own. Concise, but impactful. A case of less being more.

Take a close look at each stanza, and maybe flesh out each idea as a piece of its own, instead of trying to meld it all into one.

- D.
 
Last edited:

rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
There is power in this piece, it needs a little tightening. Darkens critique is on the mark, you tend to hit too many bases. This poem needs to be more focused. This has the makings of a grand poem...
 
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