Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

The Invisible Weight (1 Viewer)

petergrimes

Senior Member
Hi Ritu - I'm very sorry that after I looked at your first poem I haven't been back as I said i would. You've been busy. Lots of poems. I really like them, you are doing well. I remember when I read the first one I was struck by how unique your voice is, you have a really interesting way of looking at things. I'm happy that all these poems I missed are great too, I didn't expect you to write so many so quickly. I'll have a look properly when I'm not so sleepy to see if I can help at all, but lots of other people have been helping you. That's great. They have much more knowledge than me so are very worth listening to. I like this poem too, but will have to come back to look at it properly another time, for it is 2 in the morning. Hope you are well, all the best Ritu PG, well done
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi Ritu - I'm very sorry that after I looked at your first poem I haven't been back as I said i would. You've been busy. Lots of poems. I really like them, you are doing well. I remember when I read the first one I was struck by how unique your voice is, you have a really interesting way of looking at things. I'm happy that all these poems I missed are great too, I didn't expect you to write so many so quickly. I'll have a look properly when I'm not so sleepy to see if I can help at all, but lots of other people have been helping you. That's great. They have much more knowledge than me so are very worth listening to. I like this poem too, but will have to come back to look at it properly another time, for it is 2 in the morning. Hope you are well, all the best Ritu PG, well done

Hi PG
So sweet, that you sent this message. To be frank your message, brought a great relief to me. Actually, it was Christmas yesterday and I without thinking about festive and jolly feeling, with which people would had been willing to celebrate it, just posted it and I realised it, when I saw there happy messages and poems related to Christmas, I was so much in guilt. I didn't know the way how to remove my post from there and there was no other way left for me than to remain silent. So all readers, please have my apology for my mistake. Thanks a lot PG.

Love and Regards

Ritu
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi Ritu - I'm very sorry that after I looked at your first poem I haven't been back as I said i would. You've been busy. Lots of poems. I really like them, you are doing well. I remember when I read the first one I was struck by how unique your voice is, you have a really interesting way of looking at things. I'm happy that all these poems I missed are great too, I didn't expect you to write so many so quickly. I'll have a look properly when I'm not so sleepy to see if I can help at all, but lots of other people have been helping you. That's great. They have much more knowledge than me so are very worth listening to. I like this poem too, but will have to come back to look at it properly another time, for it is 2 in the morning. Hope you are well, all the best Ritu PG, well done

Hi PG
So sweet, that you sent this message. To be frank your message, brought a great relief to me. Actually, it was Christmas yesterday and I without thinking about festive and jolly feeling, with which people would had been willing to celebrate it, just posted it and I realised it, when I saw there happy messages and poems related to Christmas, I was so much in guilt. I didn't know the way how to remove my post from there and there was no other way left for me than to remain silent. So all readers, please have my apology for my mistake. Thanks a lot PG.

Love and Regards

Ritu
 

petergrimes

Senior Member
Hi Ritu - thanks. You don't need to worry about none Christmas poems on Christmas day, nobody minds. Its fine. I was just reading through all your poems again, I was going to say which my favourites are, but I really like them all. I don't know how much help I can be but if you want me to look at any in particular just tell me in reply and I'll give it a go. I really like this one too, I have a few suggestions you could try, but as always do what is right for you -

She was so beautiful.
He was so handsome.
She used to laugh like, -maybe move like down so -
The river, which doesn't understand shorelines, - Like the river, which doesn't understand shorelines
And he used to collect pebbles of moments. - brilliant
They were like, retaining individuality, -They were retaining individuality
In company of each other, - maybe loose this line
Yet complementing each other,
For twosome life to go on fulfilling way, further.- For twosome life to go on fulfilling further
But the beam balance couldn't always be like that. - But the balance beam became unsteady?
Something had to go up and the other thing had to go down. - Something had to go up, so the other down
Moles started appearing over her face,
And so blemishes over her self-esteem.
He, the one, was rising like sun,- He, the one, was rising like the sun/was the rising sun?
Light to dazzle his own eyes for long, so long,
To not have a slight idea of,
What in his home, was going around. - was going on?
He couldn't notice the moles over her face,
So couldn't notice , the blemishes over her self esteem. - blemishes upon?
He couldn't notice the Basil plant, she used to water daily,
Had suddenly become leafless, had bent away from sunlight, from the sun?
Though having sufficient appetite of water daily. - whilst still suffering unending thirst?
He used to stll love her, he used to still kiss her, - maybe remove the stills
But just couldn't ever notice her. - but couldn't ever notice?
She started withdrawing from, whatever used to give meaning to her life, That she had been withdrawing, from all that gave her meaning?
Writing, singing, experimenting with new cuisines, caressing stray animals, passing smiles to people around and blah blah blah. - Love it
Her home also started withdrawing from, liveliness earlier,
Though for outside visitors, it was always clean and tidy, as it used to be earlier.
But the vibes were not the same, the silent stray animals, she used to careress, realised that. - caress
Then one supposed day, he told her to accompany him, in a party, thrown by the office, - maybe remove supposed? to a party
To honour him.
She couldn't utter a word, to refuse.
Her hubby's handsome boss,
Who used to leave no chance to flirt with her,
Whenever she used to come,
He came running to her and suddenly stopped halfway, with a brake; intentionally to slip back.
She just stopped there.
Her hubby moved forward,got surrounded by all.
Laughters, jokes and all that enough to follow.
She somehow dragged her body to a corner table,
Below, light so dim, feeling the silence, till they got back to their place.
The heap of invisible weight, she was already carrying,
And this proved to be the final nail in the coffin.
She ran away from her body, to get off that invisible weight, - love the ending
Chose to lie inside coffin, so peaceful!!!! atlast. - at last

Okay so I have made lots of little suggestions that might work for you, they might not. Take what you want, what fits with your meaning, your understanding, what speaks best for you. If none of it works that's fine, I will not mind. Hope you are well, keep up the good work all the best PG
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi PG
Thanks a lot for making time for this. I will go through your suggestions and will definitely incorporate some of them.

Good luck and stay in lovely spirits like that.
Ritu
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi Ritu - thanks. You don't need to worry about none Christmas poems on Christmas day, nobody minds. Its fine. I was just reading through all your poems again, I was going to say which my favourites are, but I really like them all. I don't know how much help I can be but if you want me to look at any in particular just tell me in reply and I'll give it a go. I really like this one too, I have a few suggestions you could try, but as always do what is right for you -

She was so beautiful.
He was so handsome.
She used to laugh like, -maybe move like down so -
The river, which doesn't understand shorelines, - Like the river, which doesn't understand shorelines
And he used to collect pebbles of moments. - brilliant
They were like, retaining individuality, -They were retaining individuality
In company of each other, - maybe loose this line
Yet complementing each other,
For twosome life to go on fulfilling way, further.- For twosome life to go on fulfilling further
But the beam balance couldn't always be like that. - But the balance beam became unsteady?
Something had to go up and the other thing had to go down. - Something had to go up, so the other down
Moles started appearing over her face,
And so blemishes over her self-esteem.
He, the one, was rising like sun,- He, the one, was rising like the sun/was the rising sun?
Light to dazzle his own eyes for long, so long,
To not have a slight idea of,
What in his home, was going around. - was going on?
He couldn't notice the moles over her face,
So couldn't notice , the blemishes over her self esteem. - blemishes upon?
He couldn't notice the Basil plant, she used to water daily,
Had suddenly become leafless, had bent away from sunlight, from the sun?
Though having sufficient appetite of water daily. - whilst still suffering unending thirst?
He used to stll love her, he used to still kiss her, - maybe remove the stills
But just couldn't ever notice her. - but couldn't ever notice?
She started withdrawing from, whatever used to give meaning to her life, That she had been withdrawing, from all that gave her meaning?
Writing, singing, experimenting with new cuisines, caressing stray animals, passing smiles to people around and blah blah blah. - Love it
Her home also started withdrawing from, liveliness earlier,
Though for outside visitors, it was always clean and tidy, as it used to be earlier.
But the vibes were not the same, the silent stray animals, she used to careress, realised that. - caress
Then one supposed day, he told her to accompany him, in a party, thrown by the office, - maybe remove supposed? to a party
To honour him.
She couldn't utter a word, to refuse.
Her hubby's handsome boss,
Who used to leave no chance to flirt with her,
Whenever she used to come,
He came running to her and suddenly stopped halfway, with a brake; intentionally to slip back.
She just stopped there.
Her hubby moved forward,got surrounded by all.
Laughters, jokes and all that enough to follow.
She somehow dragged her body to a corner table,
Below, light so dim, feeling the silence, till they got back to their place.
The heap of invisible weight, she was already carrying,
And this proved to be the final nail in the coffin.
She ran away from her body, to get off that invisible weight, - love the ending
Chose to lie inside coffin, so peaceful!!!! atlast. - at last

Okay so I have made lots of little suggestions that might work for you, they might not. Take what you want, what fits with your meaning, your understanding, what speaks best for you. If none of it works that's fine, I will not mind. Hope you are well, keep up the good work all the best PG

Hi PG

I have incorporated all of your suggestions in my poem. I found them quite perfect to be implemented there. Thanks a lot, for making so much efforts, it really made my piece much better. Please keep sending your suggestions for my further writings, I understand you are must be busy most of the time, but take it like that, you are helping a science student to write poems correctly ( grammatical mistakes I mostly make, though I don't tend to), with all gratitude toward you.

Good luck

Ritu
 

petergrimes

Senior Member
Hi Ritu - that's great, I'm really happy I could help. I really like your poems, the way you see things. When I first started writing poems I made lots of mistakes with grammar, I still do, but I learn and so will you. I've been writing poems for eight months so I think you will learn quickly too. You have the skills and imagination, the ideas and imagery that make really interesting poems. I will keep a look out for your poems, but other people are helping you too, which is very good, for they have very good knowledge about poetry. If you get stuck in the future feel free to send me a PM (private message) and I will come and have a look (if I haven't already noticed). Keep going. Thanks for your kind words. All the best Ritu PG
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi Ritu - that's great, I'm really happy I could help. I really like your poems, the way you see things. When I first started writing poems I made lots of mistakes with grammar, I still do, but I learn and so will you. I've been writing poems for eight months so I think you will learn quickly too. You have the skills and imagination, the ideas and imagery that make really interesting poems. I will keep a look out for your poems, but other people are helping you too, which is very good, for they have very good knowledge about poetry. If you get stuck in the future feel free to send me a PM (private message) and I will come and have a look (if I haven't already noticed). Keep going. Thanks for your kind words. All the best Ritu PG

Hi PG

Thanks a lot. I can't deny it, I learned a lot here and the way, the readers who are great poets and writers themselves, I felt that innocent concern in their suggestions, to make my piece, flawless, whatever way. I am touched.
Thanks, that you are allowing me to ask your views on my poems, in private message, if needed. I would definitely avail the privilege someday, if needed.

Ritu
 

dannyboy

Friends of WF
I really enjoyed this poem, it sent mne off in all sorts of directions as good poems do. Thank you for the read.
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
I really enjoyed this poem, it sent mne off in all sorts of directions as good poems do. Thank you for the read.

Thanks Danny
Readers are the pulses of poets. Even if a poet pours his/her personal feelings or emotions to it, he/she needs atleast one reader other than himself/herself who found a meaning or connection in that writing.

Good luck
Ritu
 
Top