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The Four Scallywags: The Crips of New Yorkshire (Comedy) (1 Viewer)

2

2wo Shots

This is a script I wrote for an independent film me and some friends are making. There are some inside references in cues, just ignore those.

Cast
Sir Sherm Jr. (The noble sir knight)
Dirty John (The former knight, town drunkard)
Robert of Arabia (The desert rose)
Crusty Drew (Scourge of the seas)
Diamond Edge (The diabolical lord of combat) (Richard Seiz)
King Lawrence (Lawrence Winslow)
Herman Jones

Scene One, The Crips of New Yorkshire
(Opening, Lawrence, Herman, and Richard are playing Scrabble. The words “exeggutor” “livid” “plant” and “christkiller” “blarg” and “stemen” are present among others)
Herman: H-E-R-M-A-N, Herman. That’s 23 points.
Lawrence: You can’t spell out your own name, Herman. It’s a proper noun.
Herman: I’ll say my name is whatever I want it to be!
Richard: What is it, a verb?
Herman: No, Dick.
Richard: It’s Richard.
Herman: My name is a regular noun. I get 23 points.
Lawrence: Your other words were “Exeggutor,” which is a Pokemon, “blarg” and “stemen.” You’ve been cheating the entire game.
Herman: Well, let’s ask Sherm.
Richard: He’s outside with… John, Rob, and Andrew, and they’re hitting a tree with their swords.
Herman: Yeah, they’ve been doing that a lot recently. What’s wrong with them?
Lawrence: They got swords at the renaissance fair, and now they think they’re medieval. They think I’m the king when I put on this Burger King crown (he shows the crown)
Richard: Really? Make them do something.
(Lawrence goes outside and yells)
Lawrence: Crips of New Yorkshire, come hither!
(the four scallywags go to Lawrence)
Lawrence: I, king Lawrence III, have summoned you to my council. Role call!
(Herman and Richard are snickering)
Sherm: I am Sir Sherm Jr., son of the great knight Sherman of Blades!
John: I am known as Dirty John, seceded from the realm of knights as they hindered my freedom!
Robert: My name is Robert of Arabia. I roam the earth in search of love, finding only war. (Robert pulls a rose from his garment and sniffs it deeply.)
Drew: I am Crusty Drew, king of the land pirates and holder of the holy golden arc.
Lawrence: Excellent, four scallywags! I have a quest for the four of you to withhold!
John: Behold, your majesty.
Lawrence: Behold, right. My squire shall elaborate.
(Lawrence turns and looks at Richard)
(Richard comes forward awkwardly)
Richard: I am Sir Richard, squire to the king.
Four Scallywags: We are honored by your presence!
Richard: There is a… new evil in town. The kingdom. This foe is more dangerous than any tree you have hit before!
Sherm: A new foe!
Drew: We’ll slice out his eyeballs!
Richard: He calls himself… uh…
Herman: (whispering): Diamond Edge!
Richard: Diamond Edge. He lives in a grand forest, protecting the tree of knowledge. Defeat him, and eat the fruit from the tree, and you will become like gods.
Robert: This tree, it is told of in legend.
Richard: Uh… indeed.
John: Where is such a forest?
Richard: It is south. It is the forest closest to us and south.
Four Scallywags: Crips of New Yorkshire, head south!
(They leave)
Richard: So, what are we gonna do?
Herman: Finish scrabble?
Lawrence: No! We have to get them out of their illusionary world. Let’s just drive south to the first forest we find and think of some way to stop them.
Herman: Fine.
Richard: I don’t know. Maybe they’re just faking it.
Lawrence: Uh… road trip anyway!

Scene Two, Plot to stop the Four Scallywags
(Lawrence is driving Herman and Richard)
Lawrence: Okay, so this is how we do it. We’re going to make Richard into Diamond Edge, the evil badguy.
Richard: What? Why do I have to do it?
Lawrence: It was your idea. I was gonna make them get me some soda or something.
Richard: It was Herman’s idea. He named him.
Herman: Did not.
Lawrence: Shuttup. We’re going to Wal-Mart, and you’re going to get a really hardass outfit to fight them in.

(Flash to the Four Scallywags walking)
Sherm: Dirty John, recalibrate our course!
John: They may call me Dirty John, but I prefer Sir John of the Round.
Sherm: I should not call you that lest you be taken for a current and honorable knight. You are a most vile breed.
John: Where I was once a knight I am now a free man, hitherto I fight for what is just.
Drew: We be still heading due south, lads. Me legs tell me.
Robert: Perhaps the legendary fruit of knowledge will lend itself to my dashing good looks.
John: Let not your vanity blind you, noble sandsman.
Robert: Have you not gazed upon me?
John: T’would be a bastion of sin for me to gaze upon you in such a manner!
Robert: I want only to find true love (he pulls out his rose and sniffs)
Drew: I be wanting only what treasure this yellow-livered “Diamond Edge” fellow be totin’.
Sherm: All shall have his go at our rival’s valor! Onward we must march!

(Flash to Lawrence etc.)
(Richard is in costume)
Lawrence: Okay, we got the outfit and some weapons, we’re good to go.
Richard: This feels wrong. Something bad is going to happen.
Herman: Shuttup, faggot.
Lawrence: Okay, so when we see them, just swing your sword around and say things like “I knock you all down” and they should believe you because they’re delusional.
Herman: Okay.
Richard: He was talking to me, ass clown.
Lawrence: Then when they lose, maybe they’ll snap out of it, right?
Richard: Gotcha.

Scene Three, The Four Scallywags confront Diamond Edge in the final battle

(The four scallywags are walking through the forest)
John: Which of these ubiquitous trees contains the fruit of knowledge?
Sherm: Follow the presence and absence of doubt.
Drew: I smell treasure!
(Robert sniffs his rose)
(They come up to Diamond Edge)
Richard: Four Scallywags, I am Diamond Edge, the most powerful swordsman who ever lived!
Sherm: Stay your blade, lest ye be slain!
John: I have half a wit to slice you down as you stand, villain!
Richard: Quell thy tongues, swordsmen of virtue, you know not what foolishness you utter!
(Lawrence and Herman are behind a tree)
Lawrence: Wow, he’s really getting into it.
Drew: Have ye’ any treasures, Diamond Edge?
Richard: The most appraised item of all, my blade which can slice the heavens in half!
Robert: But is it of any value, really, when compared with the love of a woman?
Richard: Wenches lay themselves at my feet, grasping for my memberment.
(Robert stashes his rose)
Robert: You dare speak of women with such malcontempt!?
Richard: Stay your rage, worm of the sands!
Sherm: His pompousness is matched only by his fragility! Four Scallywags, attack!
Richard: Know not what you enter!
(Richard takes a bite of a fruit)
Richard: This enchanted fruit, it enamores me with strength!
(Richard puts his sword away)
(The Scallywags come at him, Richard puts them away with only his hands)
Herman (behind the tree): Dude, I think Richard got hypnotized too.
(Herman turns around, Lawrence is gone)
Herman: Lawrence?
(Flash to Lawrence in his jeep)
Lawrence: Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
(Flash to the fight)
(Robert slashes at Richard, Richard claps the blade between his hands and twists it out and kicks Robert)
(Sherm and John cross their blades and charge Richard. Richard knocks them apart and does a cool pose)
(Drew uses his cutlass to attack, Richard blocks a few strikes and then open-hand palms Drew backward powerfully)
(Drew and Robert are downed after the fight. Sherm and John lay next to eachother)
Sherm: Dirty John, I want to subside our misgivings.
John: Sir Sherm, are we able to conquer this foe?
(Sherm stands up)
Sherm: Sir Jonathan, First Seat of the Round Table, rise to your advantage and do me the honor of fighting at my heed.
(John stands up)
John: I have relinquished my position at the round, however I duly accept to your terms!
Richard: Inspiring words from the mouths of vermin equate to the dirt I shall bury your flesh in!
Sherm: The hour has dawned, Sir John of the Round!
John: Indeed! Prepare yourself, vile Diamond Edge!
Sherm and John: MERLIN’S RAZOR!
(The two charge at Richard with their swords crossed)
Richard: The stars are crashing down!
(Richard blocks the two swords with his own in the blink of an eye)
Richard: APOLLO’S CLEAVE!
(Sherm and John fly back)
Sherm: GENTLEMAN’S COMBO!
John: RASCAL FORCE!
Richard: TIDES OF THE EONS!
(They fight stylistically until Richard is struck)
(Richard goes down on one knee)
Richard: I shan’t be vanquished! Eat of the fruit of knowledge, yet await my vengeance!
(Richard throws his cape over himself and vanishes in smoke)
Sherm: Scallywags, awaken! The fruit is ripe for the feast!
(Drew and Robert get up, they all four eat the fruit)
Drew: Arr, good work of thee!
Robert: Your victory is as beautiful as the breast of a chaste virgin (he sniffs his rose)
John: Methinks something is a tad queer regarding this fruit.
Sherm: What mean you, Sir John of the Round?

(Flash to a door. Screaming is heard)
John: Aaaargh! No! AAArgh!
(A flush is heard and the door opens. John emerges rubbing his ass)
John: What the hell? I think I just shit a razor blade.
Lawrence: I think you guys were eating pinecones out in the forest.
John: Goddamnit. We’ve been out for days, I can’t even remember anything.
Drew: Are you done in there? Holy shit!
(Drew rushes into the bathroom)
Herman: So, what really happened?
Sherm: We smoked some weed at the renaissance fair, but I think there was something weird in it.
Herman: Huh.
Lawrence: Hey, where’s Richard?

(Flash to Richard from behind, looking at the Scallywags’ house)
Richard: Four Scallywags, Crips of New Yorkshire… my body is hollow and my vengeance nigh. Soon, you shall feel the full power of the Diamond Edge! Ha ha ha ha ha!
 
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