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The Florist Customer. (1 Viewer)

Torus34

Senior Member
[New member post # 2.]

Hopefully, a bit of poetic [Ed.: You hope, right, dude?] scribbling doesn't have to deal with earth and soul-shaking things. This particular old geezer still prefers working in metered rhyme. Am I old-fashioned? Then I'm old fashioned. [Thanks for the Old Fashioned, barkeep, Just keep 'em coming.]


The Florist Customer


Please, Sir, could I have
A little bit of Spring?
It's not a lot to ask, Sir.
It's such a wee small thing.

Perhaps a violet flower, Sir.
They're tiny, don't you know?
And such a dainty counterfoil
To harbingers of snow.

For Winter's been depressing,
And weighs heavy on my mind.
So perhaps a violet flower, please.
That's ... if you'd be so kind.

Regards to all.

Jim
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Little bit of a Dickens vibe, Oliver Twist. Some really good lines, love S2. And the rhyme scheme here is soft as the violet. Like proper seasoning, you taste it, but it doesn't scorch the palate. Nicely done with an old world charm. Maybe consider changing the title to something centered around the Violet.

e.g. A Violet Flower, Please or Counterfoil

Titles are the first thing a reader sees, make it talk a little to charm the reader. I almost bypassed this because of the title wasn't particularly original. I'm glad I paused for a closer look because this was a delightful read.

- D.
 
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Torus34

Senior Member
Little bit of a Dickens vibe, Oliver Twist. Some really good lines, love S2. And the rhyme scheme here is soft as the violet. Like proper seasoning, you taste it, but it doesn't scorch the palate. Nicely done with an old world charm. Maybe consider changing the title to something centered around the Violet.

e.g. A Violet Flower, Please or Counterfoil

Titles are the first thing a reader sees, make it talk a little to charm the reader. I almost bypassed this because of the title wasn't particularly original. I'm glad I paused for a closer look because this was a delightful read.

- D.
Hi! Thank you for your kindnesses.

I'm also unhappy with the title. I ran into a problem, though. I wanted to set the scene as someone asking a florist for a violet. Doing that within the poem itself would have been a re-write nightmare. So I did what I did. I will think about it some more, though. My little scribble may be worth that effort after all. Maybe the image could be a seller of violets on a sidewalk. Then, the title might be 'The Violet Vender'. That, though, smacks of alliterative cuteness.

Life ain't easy ... [sigh]. ;-))


Regards, stay safe 'n well.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
I found this poem to be charming, and the messages is poignantly expressed... I think most can relate to it, this winter has been exceptionally dreary... the Violet could be seen as a metaphor for hope... a sign of better days ahead... thanks for sharing ;)
 

Torus34

Senior Member
I found this poem to be charming, and the messages is poignantly expressed... I think most can relate to it, this winter has been exceptionally dreary... the Violet could be seen as a metaphor for hope... a sign of better days ahead... thanks for sharing ;)

Hi! And thank you.

There are days when Erato smiles and our fingers twinkle over the keyboard. Then there are days when ... you know. The Florist Customer was a pleasant construction project. It assembled easily.

Regards, stay safe 'n well.
 
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