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The Final Ordeal (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
She asked for the tenth pen.
Nine pens, she had already tried on blank paper,
and rejected those one by one, for different reasons.
She had promised herself when she had turned sixteen,
that in the coming times she would calloff the relationship with her man,
If would ever pour a drop of doubt over his intentions.
Her eyes were the witness of his betrayal,
And his confession had put a stamp over it.
And her dearones all, pushing her to edge of her self-respect,
But why was it all dry inside, for her drop of doubt.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 
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2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello.

I think this may be one of my favourites from you so far. This does so well to convey the emotion of the subject in a really cleaner and simple manner. For me it immerses the reader in a way that you almost forget you are reading poetry.

If I was being picky I feel that in the middle section especially L5, L6 and L8 the punctuation feels a little bit awkward and overbearing which creates a slight stumbling block for the reader. But that’s just me being picky.

Cheers

Syd
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hello.

I think this may be one of my favourites from you so far. This does so well to convey the emotion of the subject in a really cleaner and simple manner. For me it immerses the reader in a way that you almost forget you are reading poetry.

If I was being picky I feel that in the middle section especially L5, L6 and L8 the punctuation feels a little bit awkward and overbearing which creates a slight stumbling block for the reader. But that’s just me being picky.

Cheers

Syd

All thanks Syd. Ok I will look again into it for punctuation.

Always feel appreciated by your feedback.
Good luck.
Ritu
 
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Annie. Marie

Senior Member
I liked this one a lot. It gave me a sense of desperation/hopelessness.
There are some lines where to wording slipped me up a bit. For example, L6 "If would ever". \
I would also get rid of the two beginning "and"'s in L8 & L9 an I would get rid of the exclamation points at the end of the piece.
Great job.

-Annie
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
I liked this one a lot. It gave me a sense of desperation/hopelessness.
There are some lines where to wording slipped me up a bit. For example, L6 "If would ever". \
I would also get rid of the two beginning "and"'s in L8 & L9 an I would get rid of the exclamation points at the end of the piece.
Great job.

-Annie

Thanks a lot Annie for appreciation. I will try to incorporate your suggestions, as I will go through it again.
Good luck
Ritu
 
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