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The Fence Sitter (2 Viewers)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Building layers of codes within,
Maybe for decoding, at a certain time,
To stay with expressionless perception,
Holding to yourself, clear strong mind,

Don't care to show your cries,
Don't care to show your laughs,
Don't care, how others take your existence,
Interpret you in full, or in halves,

Of course you are a number,
In a flock of something,
But certainly not sheep,
As are, uncountable for anything,

But they are not sure,
You may be a dormant volcano,
If any moment it may burst out,
You just dunno, you just dunno,

So an uncertainty that hinders,
An unpredictability that matters,
You are buffer, for someone, somewhere,
You are a hidden meaning that bothers them, to care,

You can change the ball game,
What can become History,
You are that average person,
Who doesn't seem to rise,
But you are a thrilling mystery

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 
Last edited:

petergrimes

Senior Member
Hi Ritu - nice to meet you, I really very much like your poem. I think it very good. I think its so good that i've gone and done what I never do and make a few small suggestions. I thought some of the sentences and a few words didn't flow just right, so I made some alternate suggestions. Use what ever suits you. I don't mind if you ignore all of it. I just really liked your poem so thought to offer some practical thoughts. Anyway, apart from that I thought the poem brilliant, the ideas and the way you expressed them, I thought it very clever, interesting, thought provoking too. You have an interesting way of expressing complicated and difficult ideas, that I think works very well. Really liked it cheers Ritu PG


Building layers of codes within,
May be for decoding, at a certain time, - 'May be' or 'Maybe'?
To stay with expressionless perception,
Holding to yourself, as your dime, - this sounds strange to me. Maybe try something like 'Holding to yourself, cling to last dime' or '- yourself, clear strong mind'

Don't care to show your cries,
Don't care to show your laughs,
Don't care, how others take your existence, - i really like this stanza
Interpret you in full, or in halves,

Of course you are a number, - I also really like this stanza
In a flock of something,
But certainly not sheep,
As are, uncountable for anything, - Is it 'As are' or 'As you are', also have you thought of 'unaccountable' instead of 'uncountable' maybe?

But they are not sure,
You may be a dormant volcano,
If any moment it may burst out, - again I really like all of this
You just dunno, you just dunno,

So an uncertainty that hinders, - I think this stanza is brilliant, my favourite
An unpredictability that matters,
You are buffer, for someone, somewhere,
You are a hidden meaning that bothers them, to care,

You can change the ball game,
What can become a History, - either 'What can become History' or 'What can become of History'
You are that average person, don't seem to rise - 'You are that average person, who doesn't seem to rise'?
But you are a thrilling mystery - all this Stanza is fantastic, a brilliant ending. Love it.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 
Last edited:

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi Petergrimes. I would definitely love to incorporate some of your suggestions, when I would go through it again. By uncountable I meant, since I don't belong to the flock of those sheep, I don't have a number ( serial number) so I am uncountable like that. You sincerely and thoroughly cared to go through my poem, I am honoured, appreciated. I am sincerely thankful from core of my heart for making such genuine efforts. Love and Regards.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Really interesting piece, I think you’ve been left some really interesting suggestions by Peter, what I find most interesting about this is the juxtaposition between the natural and the artificial. It’s a really interesting conceit to use especially when it feels like the speaker is addressing another individual. For me this speaks to how much technology is now playing in our daily lives and you now have the way in which technology is bleeding into our relationships with people. Very poignant especially considering the way in which we have been forced to interact with each other this year.

I do find the repetition of, “you are,” to be a little bit of a stumbling block, the fact that it feels like you use it arbitrarily rather than to a pattern impacts on the rhythm and the flow of the piece for me.

Overall really looking forward to see where you take this piece.

Cheers

Syd
 

petergrimes

Senior Member
Hi Petergrimes. I would definitely love to incorporate some of your suggestions, when I would go through it again. By uncountable I meant, since I don't belong to the flock of those sheep, I don't have a number ( serial number) so I am uncountable like that. You sincerely and thoroughly cared to go through my poem, I am honoured, appreciated. I am sincerely thankful from core of my heart for making such genuine efforts. Love and Regards.

Ritu - what a lovely reply, you are too kind. You've made me smile. I agree with you on uncountable, it makes perfect sense. Remember it is your poem, not anyone else's, so do what's right for you. I just really like it. I'm not sure about my suggestion 'Hold to yourself, clear, strong , mind.' I'm not sure that fits right, but you could use a word like 'mind' instead of 'dime' if it makes it easier to fit an idea that works. Not all rhymes have to be perfect - just sound like they rhyme. Also I think my 'Holding to yourself, cling to last dime' might be to long. These are just examples for you to get ideas from (if you want). I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed it, if any helps that's cool, but if not no problem. All the best, take care, cheers Ritu, PG
 

aj47

(he/him)
WF Veterans
Really like the poem, and the suggestions, and how we're all being polite here.

kinda reminds me of the poem ...
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Thanks AJ47. I really feel the positive concern of readers ( who are writers as well), here. To be frank for this very reason I have joined here. I appreciate efforts of all of you, that you put in sincerely reading writings here and then appreciating those and giving suggestions to get it better for comprehending or poetic effect. I am thanking you and others as well for doing it great.
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Building layers of codes within,
Maybe for decoding, at a certain time,
To stay with expressionless perception,
Holding to yourself, cling to your dime,

Don't care to show your cries,
Don't care to show your laughs,
Don't care, how others take your existence,
Interpret you in full, or in halves,

Of course you are a number,
In a flock of something,
But certainly not sheep,
As are, uncountable for anything,

But they are not sure,
You may be a dormant volcano,
If any moment it may burst out,
You just dunno, you just dunno,

So an uncertainty that hinders,
An unpredictability that matters,
You are buffer, for someone, somewhere,
You are a hidden meaning that bothers them, to care,

You can change the ball game,
What can become History,
You are that average person,
Who doesn't seem to rise,
But you are a thrilling mystery

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal

Petergrime, I have incorporated some of your suggestions in my poem " The Fence Sitter ". Please keep doing that for my poems further, your suggestions are valuable to me. Thanks again for your efforts.
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Building layers of codes within,
Maybe for decoding, at a certain time,
To stay with expressionless perception,
Holding to yourself, cling to your dime,

Don't care to show your cries,
Don't care to show your laughs,
Don't care, how others take your existence,
Interpret you in full, or in halves,

Of course you are a number,
In a flock of something,
But certainly not sheep,
As are, uncountable for anything,

But they are not sure,
You may be a dormant volcano,
If any moment it may burst out,
You just dunno, you just dunno,

So an uncertainty that hinders,
An unpredictability that matters,
You are buffer, for someone, somewhere,
You are a hidden meaning that bothers them, to care,

You can change the ball game,
What can become History,
You are that average person,
Who doesn't seem to rise,
But you are a thrilling mystery

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 

petergrimes

Senior Member
By mistake I wrongly wrote name of Petergrimes. Kindly correct it as Petergrimes in place of Petrrgrime

Hi Ritu - no problem, you can change it yourself, if you look at the bottom of your post, the box, there is a grey bar. On the right hand side there is 'Edit Post', click on that and you can change anything you have written before. If you want you can edit your original post, put your new version at the very top, so its what people see first. Then you can name it 'The Fence Sitter - revision 1' and have the original below - all in the same place for people to see. That's how most people do it I think.

I really like what you say. You are very kind. I think the new version is really good. In reality its all still your poem, which is very cool. Its just a few changes to get a few words to flow. All of the meaning and ideas are yours. That's all still the same and I'm glad for that's what I liked in the first place. I'll be happy to try and help you in the future if i can. Sometimes I am busy but i will keep a look out. All the best Ritu, great poem PG
 
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