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The Fallen Eagle (1 Viewer)

MrTickle

Senior Member
Back when, Gary was told,
‘don’t be like the rest of ‘em,
improvise, be new’.

He hopped on the plane to L.A.
Oh, wait! Mistake not yet made.
From the airport, he went left.

Yeah, cos he had his own beet,
No need to save Synder’s cat.
Everyone’s plucked it down from that tree
Seeing it’s just a cuddly toy.

‘Improvise, be new’,
mantra mandated to passersby
on Venice beach,
waving his script,
hoping for a drunken promise
or a sun burnt brain.

‘Read these pages! The Fallen Eagle’.

To get into role
Gary went method.
No hotel, no money,
Cleaned his teeth using
a body builders greasy pecks.

Down the side of a shop
that sold straw hats and feathered
masks, lay Eagle.
Eagle in his black lycra suit
covered in feathers. Nearby on a table,
lay the script, ready to be made a fable.
Eagle face-down on the floor
acting, sadness.

A black Mercedes pulled up
A doctor? A lawyer? A Vet?
A producer?
‘Gary, what are you doing?’

Those words repeated
to himself, in the present day
as he serves drinks
in a dank smoggy bar
acting, happiness.
 

ned

Senior Member
hello - a strange poem, a bit of a mish-mash really, lurching between poetry and prose -
which doesn't help the flow.

takes a few mysterious diversions, that detracts from the simple message -
overall, I feel this poem could be much shorter and sharper.

beet = beat

thought the feathered eagle was a metaphore for the script - apparently not, and just adds another layer of mystery.

of course, some good moments here with some clever ideas, like- mantra mandated to passersby
acting, sadness. - chiming with the final - acting, happiness - sweet

cut the confusion and be mindful of the flow - but something to work on
Ned
 

MrTickle

Senior Member
hello - a strange poem, a bit of a mish-mash really, lurching between poetry and prose -
which doesn't help the flow.

takes a few mysterious diversions, that detracts from the simple message -
overall, I feel this poem could be much shorter and sharper.

beet = beat

thought the feathered eagle was a metaphore for the script - apparently not, and just adds another layer of mystery.

of course, some good moments here with some clever ideas, like- mantra mandated to passersby
acting, sadness. - chiming with the final - acting, happiness - sweet

cut the confusion and be mindful of the flow - but something to work on
Ned


Thanks Ned! There's definitely stuff I need to work on, I mean, I'm attempting to write these poems as narrative poems, but maybe I'm still leaning too heavily on prose style writing. I'm sure with practice I can make my poems end up as poems :-D ... at some point lol!

Thanks again.
 
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