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The Evil Hordes (1 Viewer)

knottla

Senior Member
The mounted hordes came charging onward,
towards their final goal.
But all wasn't what they expected as they
approached their deadly foe.
Word had spread that an army with a
murderous yearning,
with no fear of the living only murder
and mayhem the order of the day.
All the defending people knew what was needed
to defeat this menacing tribe.
Trenches filled with spikes were ready
for the hordes.
Women and children were evacuated to
save them from the sword and spare
them from the war.
The men defensively waited to unleash their
own hell.
They didn't have long to wait before they
heard the loud wail.
What the horde didn't for-see was they'd
been lured into a trap.
When the time was right the horde heard
a deafening roar,
which stopped them in their tracks,
but it was too late arrows were hailing down,
there was no escape as they were surrounded.
The battle lasted for hours, bodies and horses
lay in a river of blood.
The screams of humans and animals
echoed throughout the land.
As the dust settled and the villagers walked through
the bodies to look for loved ones lost in battle,
at every turn the dead were cleared from the morass
and laid to rest.
Eventually the women and children came out of hiding
not knowing who was dead or who was alive.
Slowly the village after a period of mourning,
started re-building their lives and their homes.
No-more would they face those Evil hordes,
they'd all been defeated, and wiped off the earth.
The land eventually was at peace,
but the battle was never forgotten.

 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
This is perfectly functional...however this reads more like a synopsis or an outline of storytelling archetypes rather than a tangible poem. Consider one thing most narrative poems, (epics, ballads, limericks, you name it) have in common. A relatable protagonist, we'll call Questing Guy, a pair of eyes and a brain on the ground and invested in the story's outcome. Questing Guy has a name, an identity, goals and motives...There is none of that here, just a disconnected overview of every clash in history since the domestication of livestock. That land, that battle are totally forgotten because they have no identity, no villians nor heroes, just a hail of arrows, the end...

Flesh this out, find a protagonist or group of protagonists, bring some personality, a bit of emotion to the table...Look into pieces like The Wreck of the Hesperous, The Song of Hiawatha, The Unicorn, The Owl and the Pussy Cat, The Jabberwocky...The Odyssey, Charge of the Light Brigade, the list is endless. Define that moment with your voice, your perspective, not just a vague outline. Give Questing Guy a name, an identity, and a place in time so readers don't forget his land.

e.g.

Small Violet Bright with her eyes alight
brought her bare little foot swiftly down
rage in each line of her quivering frame
even as she foolishly held the low ground.

Violet Bright is just an ordinary girl, but she has an identity, a name that gives readers a touchpoint within a story, a place to start. Readers need that touchpoint, otherwise it is like walking into the middle of a battle scene in a book or a movie and not having a clue as to what is going on. The reader has nothing invested in the battle, so why keep reading? Give the reader something to invest in.

- D.
 
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Bansi

Senior Member
Overall emotion of war is very well pictured here. But that deep feel is missing. The feel that ll stay with reader’s mind fr a while.
‘The men defensively waited to unleash their
own hell.’ Some lines like this in between are showing the horror of a war but overall it looks like thise narrations of war not like a poetry.
Overall it is put in words well....
 

knottla

Senior Member
Thank you Bansi for your comments. I wrote this as a piece of Fantasy, but from a detached viewpoint. I've had some excellent comments that remind me it's not enough to just write a story as such, but to commit much more so readers feel as though they're actually in the story.
 
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