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The Doctor: Warning, violence and terror await{WIP-Two parts up} (1 Viewer)

TheWizard

Senior Member
Welcome, I hope my title has at least somewhat grabbed your attention! I always find titles one of the most important things, so hopefully I gone done good! Anyway! This is an experimental piece I am working on, all in first person from various perspectives and characters. Hopefully it isn't too confusing or strange! I'd love feedback!

Enjoy!
{Work in Progress}
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Part I

At last the snow storm began to hold back, I had been driving practically blind for hours. I guess I asked for it leaving so late at night. My headlights picked up a sign which I could only just make out, looked like my destination was about 3 miles out. Once again I picked up that brown envelope and pulled out the papers within. I had looked at the thing at least a hundred times by now. Was I actually going through with this? Before I had time to second guess myself a car pulled out from the left and slid slightly onto my side! Quickly I dropped the envelope on to the passenger seat before grabbing the wheel and swerving out of the way just dodging the guy. I hit the horn and swore loudly at the guy, though I doubt he’d hear that wonderfully foul word I used.
Up ahead I noticed a gas station. I checked the time, it was just about five. I hoped the place was open. I pulled in to see the lights on inside so guessed it was. Quickly I got out into the storm to begin filling up the tank. Eventually I pulled the pump out and headed in to pay. Had a little small talk with the cashier about the terrible weather before I was out of there. Once again I was on the road. The town didn’t look too big, so it shouldn’t have been too hard to find the place. Maybe I was just procrastinating on purpose, still unsure of myself. But after an hour I finally arrived where I was going.

Outside the place was a flickering sign:“The Doctor; Currently IN/OUT”
The IN light was on. I checked the time again, it was five past six. It took me another ten minutes to finally get out of the car. As I went to open the door it was suddenly swung open. In the doorway stood an utterly gorgeous woman. Long auburn hair, glowing green eyes, and a warm inviting smile. She invited me in and I had no hesitations whatsoever. The place looked like every other clinic waiting room. A table with a stack of completely uninteresting magazines surrounded by pretty uncomfortable furniture. And of course there was the shelf of pamphlets for various illnesses and disabilities. I hated these kind of places.

Quietly I followed the red headed beauty to the front desk where I handed over the envelope. She took it with a smile before opening it up and pulling out the various papers, all stapled together. Following the papers she pulled out the bundle of cash for the operation. Every note was counted out before she put it away. I rubbed my hands together to try warm up as she began reading through the forms. It didn’t take too long until she told me that everything was in order and she was going to get the doctor now. As she left I was told to take a seat. I headed over to one of the chairs and sat down, trying to get comfortable with little success. The whole time I was in a complete moral debate. Things had actually come to this? I could still always just leave now and hope everything would be fine. But I knew it wouldn’t. On the verge of getting up and leaving she returned to say the doctor would be ready to see me in about five minutes. I didn’t have much to say so just sat in silence debating everything in my head. Finally the door at the side of the room opened up and I was invited in.

To say I had butterflies would be an understatement, it felt like a whole hive of wasps had taken residence in my stomach! He told me to lay down upon the bench in the center of the room, and to take off my shoes. I was shivering with nerves and cold as I did what was instructed. The doctor began to question me about my decision of getting this surgery. He insisted I be completely upfront with him, no bull shit. Soon enough I gave in and told him everything. As I spoke he just wrote on his damn clipboard. What was I doing here? I was looking around the room, it sure looked like a doctors work area, but something just looked so off about everything. My attention was caught by the doctor again who had finished writing down what he felt necessary. Now I needed to sign some papers which he handed over to me, a pen included.
There were about five or six pages which I quickly scanned over, everything seemed legitimate. I signed on the dotted line. Finally he began to explain in detail what would happen. I was about to be put under with a powerful sedative. While I was out of commission he would get to work. The entire operation was going to take a very long time, but he would be able to do what I have asked. He went on to say after the operation I would not awaken at the clinic, but somewhere else with everything I needed. The doctor insisted I would be safe.

Almost wordlessly I went along with everything he said until finally he smiled and left the room. Before closing the door he asked that I remove my clothing and put on the dress located beside the bench. While undressing I continued to look around the room at all the various machines. I was on the verge of putting the dress over my head when the red haired nurse wandered in. She giggled behind me and I quickly pulled the dress down somewhat embarrassed. Back onto the bench I went as the pair began setting up various instruments around me. It wasn’t long until the nurse was applying rubbing alcohol to my arm and inserting an iv. The doctor then came to me, placing a mask over my nose and mouth. He told me to count to ten. I don’t even remember making it to five.

I awoke in a daze. My eyes looked around the blurry room, where the hell was I? Everything adjusted slowly and I realized I was in a 24/7 diner of some kind. I was only just getting to terms with where I was when a waitress came up to me. She said my friend had left me here a little while ago, said we were out drinking and to look after you. I nodded and went along with what she said, I didn’t have much to say. She offered to get me some coffee which I accepted. I didn’t remember going out with anybody last night, let alone getting drunk. What did I do last night? My thoughts were interrupted as the waitress returned with a mug of coffee, on the house.

As she left I thanked her before beginning to drink the coffee, trying my best to remember what had happened but I just couldn’t. My eyes drifted to the window by my booth as a snow plow went by clearing the way for traffic. As I aimlessly stared into the white world the door to the diner opened. I didn’t look over, I was still in a completely strange state of mind. But as I looked out the window I finally noticed my reflection. My eyes went wide. I touched my skin, though it didn’t feel like mine. My memory returned! I forgot about the surgery completely. Back to the window I looked at my new self only to see whoever had entered the diner was standing by my table with a gun drawn. I looked at the reflection of his face, turned around in shock, before a bullet blasted my brains out the back of my head.




Part II

We pulled up to the 24/7 diner just moments after the shooter had fled. Another squad car was already on scene and chasing a fleeing suspect while I parked up with my partner to check the victim and the witnesses. We quickly established with a waitress waiting at the door if there was still anybody inside. She told us the suspect had fled the scene immediately following the incident. Even so we cautiously entered the building, hands close to our sidearms. It was still early, about ten past eight when we found the victim. He had suffered a bullet wound straight to the skull with disturbing results.

My partner surveyed the scene while I went to question the waitress. She told me the victim had been dropped off by his friend earlier that morning. They had been out drinking and the victim was completely out cold. His friend was also pretty drunk so couldn’t drive the guy home. So he left him there on his own. Suddenly at about eight some hooded man entered the diner and just walked up to the victim and shot him without a word then ran off. As she explained what happened a call came over the radio, they had managed to detain the man believed to be the gunman however no gun was found. On top of that another call had come in saying that somebody had nearly been ran over by a speeding idiot. They needed somebody to come take in the first suspect while they chased the new call. I quickly headed to the car, leaving my partner at the diner till backup arrived.

Whoever was fleeing the scene hadn’t gotten far out of town before he was forced off the icy roads by a patrol car. I quickly made my way to the scene, pulling up to see them cuffing the driver of a vehicle stuck halfway in a bush. They needed somebody to take him in for questioning as there was another call further out of town that may be related. I gladly took him off their hands and shoved the guy in the back of my car. With that I got in, killed the sirens, and headed back the way I came. However I didn’t turn left to head back to my partner and the 24/7 diner. Instead I made a right before throwing the handcuff keys into the back seat where the suspect sat.

I told him the bag was under the seat. He pulled out a pretty big duffel bag with a change of clothes, a whole lot of cash, and a gun. While he got changed I began driving out of town. There weren’t many words exchanged along the way. Just exiting the town was a large sign where cops usually hide behind to catch speeders. Instead a white pickup truck was stashed there. I pulled over and told him the pickup’s keys were under the driver seat. He nodded and opened the police cars door and headed towards that truck. I watched him briskly walk there while I slid down my window. Before he got in I called out to him and asked him how it felt. He just looked at me before getting in and driving off. I chuckled to myself before driving back the way I came towards the diner and my waiting partner.

A scene had formed around the restaurant. Locals, An ambulance, another police car, and forensics were already on scene. I parked up again and headed in to see them zipping up the body bag. I caught the sight of the mans torn apart face. Damn what a sight. Bastard deserved it. My partner soon came over to ask about the suspect. I managed to convince him that the suspect wasn’t the shooter. The conversation was luckily interrupted as the corpse was wheeled out past the two of us. There wasn’t much more we could do so both of us returned to the squad car.

As we sat in the car he looked over at me. He asked me if I knew who the victim was. I almost hesitated to answer. Told him that I didn’t have time to identify him. My partner went on to say who it was, though I already knew the answer. I remained silent as the engine was started up. Guess I just said some remark about how he had it coming before I began to drive off. We still had a full day of patrol to get through. To break the ice I looked over at my partner and joking asked if he thought the diner was still serving breakfast.

Finally my shift was over. I headed home, took off the uniform, and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. There was about half left inside the bottle, but that was more than enough. I filled myself up a decent glass of the stuff before retiring to the lounge with bottle still in hand. There I sat for a good while looking at the picture above my fireplace. I gritted my teeth before throwing my empty glass at the wall. I still felt so fucking empty! I screamed at the picture with complete anguish. Wasn’t I meant to feel happy, I got my damn vengeance! With time I calmed down and grabbed the bottle and began to drink more. It was doing the trick, really well. Too well. My body grew numb and I could hardly hold my head up. I never get drunk this fast. My body sunk into the couch. Even my eyes grew heavy. The bottle of whiskey was spilling all over the couch. Then in walked a masked man and woman.

Paralyzed I watched on as they began to drag me around my house silently, I wasn’t able to do a thing. They pulled me into the hallway by the stairs where I noticed a noose hanging. I couldn’t scream as they began to force me up the stairs. Guess they didn’t realize how heavy a paralyzed body is, but with a lot of awkward effort they finally got me to the top. The man reached out and grabbed the hanging rope. The loop was put over my head and tightened around my throat. All the while I was unable to do anything but watch the last seconds of my life fade away. Finally my body was lifted up to the stair rail. The man looked me square in the eyes as they did so. I stared right back, wishing I could spit on him. Finally I was up on the rail, just waiting for gravity to finish me off. Then I fell.

Gunshots rang out and the woman fell, dragging me back onto the stairs. The masked man quickly took cover at the top of the stairs. I managed to look down to the front door where a gunman stood in the open doorway. It was too dark to see as the guy approached silently. Still numb I simply lay on the stairs unable to do a thing. The gunman walked right over me before heading up to the second floor of the house. Everything was silent. I heard the floor creek before gun shots filled the silence. The gunfight didn’t last long.

The victor returned from the dark upstairs area. It was the last minute gun man. In the dark I only managed to make out the weapon he held. I would have smiled in the salvation I had just received, but I would be celebrating far too soon. As he reached the top of the stairs the gun was placed down on the ground. Without a word he came to me and lifted me back up onto the rail. He looked me right in the eyes before pushing my limp body off the edge.
 
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A_Jones

Senior Member
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" I hit the horn and swore loudly at the guy, though I doubt he’d hear that wonderfully foul word I had "[dont need this had] "used."

[I hoped, hopefully is present tense.] "Hopefully the place was open. I pulled in to see the lights on inside so guessed it was."

"Quietly I followed the red headed beauty to the front desk where I handed over the envelope. She took it with a smile before opening it up and pulling out the various papers, all stapled together." [beginning to sound like a to do this. Try giving us some emtion here. Use some time for back story. I still dont know what he is doing.] "Following the papers she pulled out the bundle of cash for the operation. Every note was counted out before she put it away. I rubbed my hands together to try warm up as she began reading through the forms. It didn’t take too long until she told me that everything was in order and she was going to get the doctor now. As she left I was told to take a seat. I headed over to one of the chairs and sat down, trying to get comfortable with little success. "
[Your writing is so detached from the person. This is first person, it is supposed to be full of feeling. It is also a thriller. The reader wont feel scared unless they feel it through the character. I like the bee reference though. Nice feeling.]

"Almost wordlessly I went along with everything he said until finally he smiled and left the room. Before closing the door he asked that I remove my clothing and put on the dress located beside the bench. While undressing I continued to look around the room at all the various machines. I was on the verge of putting the dress over my head when the red haired nurse wandered in. She giggled behind me and I quickly pulled the dress down somewhat embarrassed. Back onto the bench I went as the pair began setting up various instruments around me. It wasn’t long until the nurse was applying rubbing alcohol to my arm and inserting an iv. The doctor then came to me, placing a mask over my nose and mouth. He told me to count to ten. I don’t even remember making it to five." [ The check list effect is making me loose interest. Give me some brain candy here.]

" I looked at the reflection of his face, turned around in shock, before a bullet blasted my brains out the back of my head."
[Now we're talkin! Took a while too long though for me]
I will read the rest but I dont think anything I will see will be any different from my main critique. Way to much checklist going on here, but when you do give imagry it is good. I want to see more, smell more, hear more.




 

TheWizard

Senior Member
Cheers for the critique, gonna go ahead and make some changes!

Yeah, I always get lazy and do those lists haha! Need to cut back for sure. I do also need a bit more feeling in certain areas but I've still been debating about how much information to give out to the reader about the situation and the actual character. If I said too much it'd give a lot away, which I don't wanna do, but I'll look into the area's you highlighted and work them out :D

I'm glad you enjoyed the end! I've always been a fan of sudden happenings that the reader doesn't expect. Sad to hear it took too long to hit it~
Thanks!
 

A_Jones

Senior Member
You can give us a lot without giving away stuff. Hes sitting on the chair and turns to see a bug on a wall. (is this plastic surgery?) If so there could be posters of sexy women on the wall. Have a fly like, on her eye, like an ever seeing corps. Every thing you do has to have that creepy feeling to it. Their are questionable stains on the carpet. I would suggest you watch a movie like Silence of the Lambs. Is not a horror its a thriller, but every where you look you see creepyness. Just pay close attention to the surroundings and then describe them.. this is a great exercise when you find you are a list maker.

Also I would suggest you switch the perspective to present tense, its hard to tell someone what once happened to you if you are dead.... just my thought though cause there have been stories that have done it your way.
 

TheWizard

Senior Member
I see what ya mean! When I next have time I shall add more creepiness into the details. By the way, Silence of the Lambs is one of my favorite movies though I am yet to read the book/s.

Most of my trouble is getting the tenses correct. Though mostly that's cause I'm careless sometimes and never look back to make sure it's all in order!

Though once again, thank you for the critique and I'll get working on it later today. I'm just hoping that the draft is at least somewhat captivating for the reader thus far xD
 

A_Jones

Senior Member
Oh it is intersting. I am sorry to say I didnt finish the whole thing though, after you meet the detective it gets way to listy and wordy. Do those exercises go back and add them to your work and edit and I'll read it for you. I know you can make this an awesome story. I am really interested!
 

TheWizard

Senior Member
Oh wonderful :D Interesting is what I aim for~

Yeah, I'm not as fond of the second part as I've spent far less time on it. Though as I said both of these are still drafts to work out all the kinks of the story and set up and easier to approach lay out. Still I gotta kick that listy habbit of mine xD

Thanks however! Time to start working on it :D
 
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