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The Darkest Cloud (1 Viewer)

ozofeteam

Senior Member
Shall surround you with mystery.
Shall openly share their protection with you.
Shall resonate the energy of the love they have for you.
Shall lift you with the with the softness of care and compassion.
Shall constantly bathe you in the mists of rejuvenation.
Shall shroud you from the cold brutal world.
Shall protect you from your enemies disguised as friends.
Shall drape you in the robes of the God's themselves.
Shall hide your heart for your protection.
Shall keep your unspoken treasures guarded.
Shall walk with you and appear when needed.
Shall be the unseen force that motivates you to be better.
Shall reveal to those whom are worthy who and what you truly are.
Shall protect your honor.
Shall see to it your steps are true and honest.
Shall be thy companion through your journey.
Shall be your host as you evolve towards your final form.
Shall whisper words of hope.
Shall speak the ancient mantra of healing upon you.
Shall divide the false from the true.
Shall give to you what no language can define.
Shall softly and gently hold and caress you till you drift to the realm of slumber.
Shall be the bearer of all your wrath.
Shall become the voice of honesty to sooth your spirit.
Shall always know that I be with you seen and unseen.
Shall rise up to defend your actions.
Shall give praise for the work you do that goes unnoticed by the masses.
Shall create and open new pathways of thought.
Shall bow and remain loyal not only to you as a person but also to the love you carry and share to those that are worthy.
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
The archaic language really has a stultifying impact on this piece when coupled with prosaic statements. Given the content, readers may make unfair comparisons based on their own context. In this case Psalms and The Songs of Solomon in the original KJV translation, given certain nouns. Unfair bar, but it is the contexted benchmark as a reader. If there were a clear voice, unique imagery, or tangible passion it might counterbalance or blend with the archaic. In this case, that element is missing. It reads more as a list to be learned by rote instead of a manifest of hope and light.

This piece needs some fire to make the reader believe it.
 

indigostar

Senior Member
I'm with the others here that there's too many "shalls" and not enough intrigue. I think you could do a clever bit of play around it all by trying to get opposites within lines, e.g.

Your constant companion through your journey
Releasing you to evolve towards your final form
 
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