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That girl (1 Viewer)

indigostar

Senior Member
That girl, they said
Used to shine like a supernova
Secret smiles, your tempting lover

That girl, they said
Used to hold her head up high
Melting hearts as she walked by

That girl, they said
Lived her life with glittered glory
Then they got hold of her story

That girl, they said
Wouldn’t like it if you told her
To let her tears lie on your shoulder

That girl, they said
Only wanted us to love her
Now she’s just another number

That girl, they said
Sang her song out on the street
Now her chorus has no beat

That girl, they said
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Hello, thank you for sharing your lovely poem ;)

I like that you opened each stanza with a refraining line, it adds a haunting vibe to this poem... while I am not a fan of this kind of rhyming scheme, I do not hate the way you did it here... I do think you could have pushed the line for added drama, for instance...
2nd stanza, 3rd line... you wrote:
"Then they got hold of her story"...
I am thinking you missed a cool opportunity to dial up the drama, maybe something like "then they rewrote her story"... you get the idea.... ;)
I just want you to ramp up the emotion and punch your reader in the heart...

having said that, I love this, and I can see that you are a creative writer, just don't be afraid to let yourself go...
 

indigostar

Senior Member
Hello, thank you for sharing your lovely poem ;)

I like that you opened each stanza with a refraining line, it adds a haunting vibe to this poem... while I am not a fan of this kind of rhyming scheme, I do not hate the way you did it here... I do think you could have pushed the line for added drama, for instance...
2nd stanza, 3rd line... you wrote:
"Then they got hold of her story"...
I am thinking you missed a cool opportunity to dial up the drama, maybe something like "then they rewrote her story"... you get the idea.... ;)
I just want you to ramp up the emotion and punch your reader in the heart...

having said that, I love this, and I can see that you are a creative writer, just don't be afraid to let yourself go...
Thank you so much for taking time to leave such fab feedback. I like your suggestions and I totally agree - thank you so much 😘
 

Namyh

Senior Member
Indigostar - I've known people like this who shine one moment and disappeared the next, a human commentary for all of us. Namyh
 
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