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Tears of a Bird (1 Viewer)

Eyes of a Bird!

A charming, striking, and tearful eye,
Crams the heart with its flow;
Constrains me like the bird to fly,
Up! Up! Up! But was slow.

Dawn's spirit grabs the moon,
Sun the great hurls me to stars;
The seesaw plays up to the noon,
Bursts like the thunder of Mars.

I free the scripts to soak up,
Bare my back and the bosom;
Not a dream as I wake up,
The Bird calls me awesome.

Up! Up! Up!, not here to lie,
Bed of thee, fluff in the sky.




Note: I would like someone to rearrange it if it is indeed.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Thank you for sharing this, it’s an interesting piece and I really like the mood that you create within it. There are some strong conceits here and I look forward to seeing them develop.

In general, I feel that the syntax of the piece is striving to feel poetic, but because it’s not quite natural you create roadblocks for the reader, I would focus on really making it clear what you want to say and then work towards poetic from there, I think we’ve got to the stage now with literature that poetry doesn’t need to be stereotypically poetic, for it to be poetic. Does that make sense?

I hope this helps somewhat.

Cheers

Syd
 
Thank you a lot, Sir. Please make it very effective as on your accord. I am crucially waiting for your positive manner. It's my fifth piece of literary work. I hope you will help me.
Yours sincerely,
Zulkaif Ahmad.
 

Pulse

Staff member
Senior Mentor
Zulkaif, I like the way your title is followed immediately with the nuance of 'eyes' in place of 'tears', so that emotion can be imagined in eyes we can see but not communicate with easily.

You use a varied meter: iambic at first (deDUM deDUM etc), moving on to de-de-DUM. In other words, meter itself is notthe cause of poeticism. It would be great if you were to join a poetry workshop to get more feedback from other poets - not that you would want to follow it all; but sometimes seeing the way one poets speaks to another can give some insight into what you could do with similar options.
 
Thank you, Ma'am, for your great reason. I am a student that is why I have no experience in writing a poetical work, therefore, I have joined this forum to gain more and more about literary work. I hope I will get more and more to have a lot of experts here. I am thanking you once again.
 
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