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Such beauty (1 Viewer)

Mike in the West

Senior Member
When photos show a fleeting glance
A different beauty is oft revealed
When rain yields nature’s hidden scents
Distant memories are then recalled
And so it was when he looked at her
Her hair for a second dishevelled across her face
That image burned into his deepest soul
So beautiful, refined and full of grace.


His love just mountained within his frame
Time stood still but not for long
Quieting the words he couldn’t exclaim
So lost was he, for she had gone.


His frame then tore, he simply cried
She was no more, and there he died.
 

Olly Buckle

Mentor
Patron
consider;

When photos show a fleeting glance
A different beauty is revealed
When rain yields nature’s hidden scents
Distant memories are recalled

The rhythm feels better to me without the 'poetic' words. I like those rhymes and half rhymes.

"And so it was when he looked at her "
I would make this 'And so it was, when he looked at her' . otherwise I would leave out the 'when', which ruptures the meaning more
'And so it was he looked at her'

"Her hair for a second dishevelled across her face"
This line threw me completely it was so long and not a bit of punctuation in it I thought I might run out of breath before I reached the end. Phew.
The image is a bit corney too, though usually the disorder and temporal aspects are united, 'Her hair strayed across her face'.

"That image burned into his deepest soul
So beautiful, refined and full of grace."
This sounds as though he has a really nice soul.

Her/soul, what happened to rhyme? It was there just now and it's there again.

"His love just mountained within his frame "
compare
'Love mountained within his frame'
or even
'Love mountained in his frame"
I don't think the meaning changes and sometimes, when describing something huge, stripping the framework of words from around it reveals it in its majesty, and 'mountained' is a great word conjuring images of continents colliding.

"His love just mountained within his frame
Time stood still but not for long
Quieting the words he couldn’t exclaim
So lost was he, for she had gone."

I think it deserves a little more punctuation than simply a full stop at the end.

"She was no more, and there he died".
Those last four words ought to be so final, given the content and position, but there is something slightly trivial about the idea of dying for love, partly it has been done so often (by writers, not actually) , and partly what I just said "I'll die without you" is often said but rarely happens. The rhyme is excellent but how about changing the subject? For example, 'Passion died' or even simply 'Something died".

I do enjoy your work, your observations often make it worth looking at.
 

Shirley S. Bracken

Senior Member
Mike, I certainly can't improve on what Olly said. I do enjoy your writing though. I'm sure I have much more to learn and these critiques are very helpful to me too.
 

Mike in the West

Senior Member
Shirley, thank you, I'm glad you enjoy my efforts.

Olly, my thanks for reading and then giving time to considering and suggesting improvements. That was very helpful not only with regards to the poem but also more generally regarding the use of words and their impact. I've re-worked the poem and as always welcome feedback from any readers. Thank you.

When photos show a fleeting glance
different beauty is revealed,
when rain yields nature’s hidden scents
distant memories are recalled.


So it was, as he looked at her
with wisps of hair across her face,
that image burned into his soul
her beauty, charm and gentle grace.

Love then mountained in his frame
time stood still but not for long,
all too soon the moment passed
he was distraught, that image gone.

His frame shrank as he felt the loss
she, unknowing, had played her part,

the haunting image would not return
except as a vestige in his heart.
 

Gumby

Staff member
Co-Owner
This is lovely Mike, I think your edit has improved the read and strengthened the impact of the poem on the reader.
My favorite stanza:

So it was, as he looked at her
with wisps of hair across her face,
that image burned into his soul
her beauty, charm and gentle grace.
 
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