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Strangers in love (1 Viewer)

Jk_Sl

Senior Member








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2020Syd2020

Senior Member

Hello,

I think this piece would benefit from stanzas and I’ve highlighted where I think you could break the piece up below, I’ve also left a few comments in those gaps.

Thank you for sharing this one,

Cheers

Syd






, ,
, .

I really like this concept the idea of sleep as a thief is a great concept, I just feel that the syntax here is a little confusing, this slows down the rhythm and flow and pulls me out of the piece.



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This idea of a tree falling and no one being around to hear it, sneaks into the realms of cliche.


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the butterflies line is great



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....
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I like the pace you create through to the end of the piece by utilising these one word lines.










vacant of lust is a great notion
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Thank you very much Syd, that means a lot.
I see what you mean with the start.
I may or may not change it as I feel raw about these feelings.
Maybe in time I will come back to it
I changed the start to speed it up a touch.
I think it’s complete, well I am happy with it now.

Thank you [emoji120]
 
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happy-hippie

Senior Member
홸 횠횊횜 횢횘횞횛 ퟺ횊횖 횒횗횜횘횖횗횒횊회
횝횑횎 횗횒횐횑횝 횊 횝횑횒횎횏,
횊횗 횊횏횏횊횒횛 횠횒횝횑 횜횕횎횎횙,
횕횘횟횎횜 횝횛횞횎 횎횗횎횖횢.
횆횎 횏횎횕횕 횑횊횛획횎횛 횝횑횊횗 횊횗 횘횊횔 횝횛횎횎
횒횗 횊 횏횘횛횎횜횝 횝횑횘횞횜횊횗획횜 횘횏 횖횒횕횎횜 횊횠횊횢,
횗횘횝 횊 횜횘횞횗획 횘횏 횠횑횎횗 횒횝 횏횎횕횕
횋횞횝 횊 회횛횊횜횑 횒횗 횘횞횛 횜횎횊 횘횏 횎횖횘횝횒횘횗횜.
홰 횖횒횕횕횒횘횗 횜횝횊횛횜 횋횎회횊횖횎 횘횗횎,
횋횞횝횝횎횛횏횕횒횎횜 횠횎횛횎 횎횗횟횒횘횞횜
횘횏 횘횞횛 횏횕횞횝횝횎횛횒횗횐,
횜횝횘횖횊회횑횜 횏횞횕횕 횘횏 횖횊횐횒회
횊 횠횊횕횝횣횎횛 횘횏 횎회횜횝횊횜횢.
횃횑횎 획횊횢횜 횠횎 횕횊횞횐횑횎획
홸 회횘횞횕획횗’횝 횛횎회횊횕횕 횊 획횊횢
횠횑횎횗 홸 횔횗횎횠 횗횘횝 횘횏 횘횞횛 횕횘횟횎.
홳횊횢횜
횖횒횗횞횝횎횜,
횑횘횞횛횜,
횠횎횎횔횜,
횞횗횒횏횒횎획 횘횞횛 횕횘횟횎
횕횘횟횎 횒횜....
횝횒횖횎횕횎횜횜, 횊횐횎횕횎횜횜.

홵횛횒횎횗획횜 횋횎회횘횖횎 횕횘횟횎횛횜
횟횊회횊횗횝 횘횏 횕횞횜횝
횠횘횛획횜 횠횎횛횎횗’횝 횗횎횎획횎획
횊횜 횘횞횛 횜횘횞횕횜 횋횎회횘횖횎 횞횜
횜횝횛횊횗횐횎횛횜 횒횗 횕횘횟횎
횝횒횕횕 횝횑횎횗 횖횢 횕횘횟횎
횖횢 횕횘횟횎 횝횒횕횕 횝횑횎횗

b25654952f91d07e50c8eab8c9b67266.jpg




홹.횑
Don't know why this quote came out like this...
Anyway, just dropping by to say I like this.
"Butterflies were envious of our fluttering..." is really a great line.
Thank you for sharing.
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Thank You very much, it seems the technology has had it with the pandemic too x
That means a lot [emoji3590][emoji257]
 
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