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Strange Worlds (My silly poems) (1 Viewer)

Hello and greetings to everyone! :)

My name is Matt, I'm 30 years young, and I've been writing ever since I was a wee lad (ok, since around 12 years old or so. That counts! ;)). My favorite writers and influences, who all unfortunately happen to be deceased, are Jim Henson, Shel Silverstein, Dr Seuss, and Roald Dahl.

I hope that these men have had some sort of influence in my style of writing, because they all are creative geniuses in their own ways, and I hope to one day create something even a quarter as wonderful as all of their work. :) I doubt this will happen, but...I digress. :)

Below I am posting a couple of things I've written, in hopes that you fine folks might give them a read and give me your cherished opinions on them. The first is one of my favorite things I've written...the second is something I've been working on for a few months now...it's a bit rough in spots, and not yet finished, but I figured I'd post it anyways.

Here's the first one:

'Halloosinashuns'

Those rotten, stubborn Blogroms live in my hair
In my socks, in my shoes (they were my favorite pair)
In my closet, in my shower, in the sugar and the flour
And inside the clock that bongs every hour

Crabby Kerfluffles are invading my home
Getting into my drawers, in my undies they roam
They steal all my knick-knacks, all the things that go click-clack
And now they've just ruined all the books in my backpack

Uglie glugmoyers now live in my foyer
They've read all my books, they pester my lawyer
And everytime that lawyer threatens to sue
The Uglie Glugmoyers say 'screw you, Lou'
(My lawyer's name is Lou, extra info for you)

What can I do to get rid of these pests?
These imaginary beings that never need rest?
How can I rid my home of these things?
Of these products of dementia, and too many drinks?

Maybe I just need to lie down for a bit
Or even clean the bathroom, think that might do it?
But no, just as soon as I enter the room
A fluffy brumnutter, he's stolen my broom!




And here's my unfinished one:

'Planet Rzepkoid'

One day when you're bored please do close your eyes
To strange worlds you'll be whisked away
Do you see the horned orgblats who soar through the skies
Their calls echoing 'round as they play

Perhaps you can see the red whimrats
Who are scurrying around in the mists
In attempts to escape the green borbats
Who capture them within their fists

Do you feel the claws of the Orkaday
As they grasp your shoulders so tight
To some distant land you're be taken away
Your hairs standing on end with real fright

You've now entered the land of the Frumblehound
A place that burns bright with blue flame
And strange little creatures dance all around
Playing all sorts of weird games

The Orkaday sets you down on the stones
Gently, before flying away
Around your feet are skulls and bones
In the air hangs the stench of decay

As you glance all around at the ominous cave
Behind you, you hear quite a howl
Slowly you turn, an attempt to be brave
In your direction a beast starts to prowl

The shadowy form soon comes into view
As you gasp as it's fully revealed
Its ears are all crooked, it's teeth all askew
And it smells like old gravy congealed

The beast lowers its head with an odd sense of grace
Its body soon follows the lead
It seems that instead of eating your face
The hound would much rather concede

With much trepidation, you gingerly climb
Onto the odd creature's back
In this weird world, there's no sense of time
And really, no way to keep track

The hound then takes a mighty leap
Straight up into the mist-shrouded air
An odd sort of feeling in your veins it does creep
And on end stands all your neck-hair
(To Be Continued)
===================================

Thanks in advance for your time, and it's great to be a member here! :D

- Matt R (currently residing on Planet Rzepkoid)
 
Last edited:

madalyn

Senior Member
I LOVE THESE!!!!! They remind me a lot of Lewis Carrol, especially the second one (I am thinking of "Jabberwocky.") The first one is my fave; the second is rough, like you said, but I love the "plotline" and the "strange worlds" concept. I hope you post more, and I like this a lot better than Shel Silverstein (is that blasphemy? :/)
 
Aw, well thanks very much for your comments, they are appreciated more than you know! :)

I have a couple other ones I could post here too. :)

The first one is called 'Nightmare'....the second is called 'I Can't Sleep'.

'Nightmare'

I wake up in the morning
And then roll out of my bed
I stagger to the bathroom
My hair unkempt on my head

I take a look in the mirror
And am shocked at what I see there
A squeaky, gigantic red nose
And wild, dark purple hair

As I stand and stare in wide wonder
The reflection stares back at me
What could possibly have happened
What do you think it might be?

Slowly I glance down at my hand
Which, gloved, now clutches balloons
The terror is slowly beginning to rise
I need help, someone please help me soon

As I take a quick glance back up at myself
My face is now white with greasepaint
There's a huge painted grin from ear to ear
I think I'm about ready to faint

I turn my head to the window
And let out a terrified scream
I've turned into a clown named Squeaky Joe
I guess it WASN'T a dream

Honk, Honk.


'I Can't Sleep (Insomnia?)'

I hide under the covers
Peeking gingerly out from my bed
Do I see a monster in the corner
Or is it just in my head?

I see the glint of creepy eyes
Are they intently studying me?
Or is it just a reflection
What, oh what could it be?

My gaze then soon switches over
To the tall, pale thing near the closet
I hope that it's not a zombie
In my shorts I may make a deposit

Something then taps on the window
With a series of staccato ticks
My eyes dart to this new distraction
Then something in my brain just clicks

I've gotten myself all worked up
Because of watching a movie
It was about a guy that kills demons
And uses the catchphrase 'groovy!'

With a reassured grin I close my eyes
Beneath the warm covers I wriggle
But as I drift off, I swear I hear
A tiny, mischevious giggle...
 

ThreadWhisperer

Senior Member
These are indeed all an enjoyable read. My favorite is nightmare, I actually gave a laugh reading that one. I have a sister who is terrified of clowns and I may just have to borrow this to send in her next birthday card. (credit given and with your permission of course) :) I will of course have some graphic design to do in the meantime to make the card match the poem should you be ok with my doing so. LOL

I'm not sure if you are still modifying what you have for the second or if you are just adding to it but there was a line that really caught me, "To some distant land you're be taken away" I was pretty sure you meant "...you're being..." but wanted to point it out since it distracted the flow for me.

There were some areas that the rhythm seemed to be a little off in "I can't sleep" but I truly laughed again when reading the third stanza. Some very enjoyable and fun pieces, thanks for sharing them!

All the best,
TW
 

MisterSpider

Senior Member
In general, you should post one poem to a thread. Let's discuss the first poem; I think it is the strongest of the ones you've posted.

The mention of "Jabberwocky" is apt with your poem's heavy use of neologisms (though I realize the comment wasn't aimed at this poem). Whereas Carroll relies on portmanteaus, you rely on nonce words. The words that work best are "Blogroms" and "glugmoyer" because they evoke the unfortunate creatures you describe. "Kerfluffle" is a real word, I believe.

The major technical problem with this is the meter. A clean, crisp meter is best for these things, but yours suffers from too much irregularity. Though you don't mention Carroll as an influence, you will notice his poems are metrically perfect and technically adept. This is important in nonsense verse because there is no meaning for the reader to fall back on (it also helps maintain interesting sonics, another important aspect of amphigory).

There are other lines which could benefit from some cleaning up. Notice, for instance, how the last line reads much better with a simple rewrite: "A brumnutter has stolen my broom" vs. "a brumnutter, he's stolen my broom."

I like the idea behind the poem and I like its use of nonce words; I do, however, believe it could be made better by polishing the meter and craft.
 
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