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storm/witches broth (1 Viewer)

petergrimes

Senior Member
storm/witches broth

light the fire
watch it burn
kettle whistles steams
rumbles bubbles burst
pour boiling water
into empty cup
drown blended tea bag
smell savour stir
relish all the trouble
I've brewed up made occur
 

midnightpoet

WF Veterans
storm/witches broth (need the word "storm? I understand the concept but not sure it adds anything)

light the fire
watch it burn
kettle whistles steams
rumbles bubbles burst
pour boiling water
into empty cup
drown blended tea bag
smell savour stir
relish all the trouble
I've brewed up made occur
(I think ending the poem at "up" is better. "Made occur" sounds awkward to me)

Just some thoughts, hope they help)
 

rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
Got a kick at of this- the poems imagery screams--- Macbeth's witches---Wonderful imagery(that was one of my favorite scenes and set of characters in all of Shakespeare's work) a fun, fun poem. Only tic is the ends last to words. It doesn't fit the overall poem. I'd either find two different words to get what you intended or drop them as midnight said, leave it at up. But leaving it at up can sound too abrupt--- decisions decisions . goof writing

warmest
bob
 

petergrimes

Senior Member
Hi PiP - thanks for having a look at my poem. Yes i was commisioned by PG tips through an ad agency but it fell through ;) . Thank you for your words, I was very much aiming in the greater part for that sort of thing so that's brilliant. I'm happy you enjoyed it. Cheers mate, ta ra a bit PG
Hi Midnight - thank you. Good to hear from you. Yes I wrote the poem and it was called 'storm' then I polished it a bit more before posting it, with the intent to make it more chant like and add to the witch connotations that were already evident in some parts. Therefore as I typed the title into the box 30 seconds before posting, the idea of witches broth leapt into my head. It was so last minute I kept them both. Yes with storm it was meant to imply both what the protagonist had caused metaphorically and promote the idea of the storm in a tea cup (hopefully adding a different dimension/contrast for one is big and troublesome and t'other is small and meaningless, as you know). I'm quite enamoured with that idea, but unsure as to whether the image of the storm in a tea cup is readily apparent to the reader without a mention of storm somewhere. I don't know. It might be plainly obvious. I will have to think. Occur was purely for my beloved end rhyme, I deleted it and re introduced it many times. I realised it probably wouldn't fly but had become attached to it. Again I will have to think (I really should do my thinking before i reply). Cheers for the advice and help. Much appreciated PG
When shall we three PiP, Midnight and Me meet... WHAT we did it we summoned rcallaci!!! - hello, I didn't realise the spell was meant for that, I just wanted to find my bank card. Thank you for your kind words. Yes guilty as charged, I just wanted my end rhyme and wouldn't let it go, I'll figure something out. Thanks for your warm regards and kind words. Much appreciated as always. All the best PG
 
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