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Stepping Stones (1 Viewer)

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
I hope you don't mind me sharing another so soon after the last,


Stepping Stones

It is wet, September
Nicole and I have dragged ourselves
from the house to walk a trail.
I am haphazardly...…………..
……………………stepping stones
………...…to wet feet
…………………………….when you text.

We’re surprised that reception exists here-
but then Sheffield is only

.................................….six

..............................…..miles

South west and 4G is all pervasive. You
are having tests, they, you and I all think cancer.


That slither of thyroid, left over from last time,
having the last

.....................……..LOL
................................and at your expense.

Nicole wants to know what’s wrong? All I can
think is how I’m pissed, you’ve told me this by text.
 

Darren White

co-owner and admin
Staff member
Co-Owner
You use the ... trick :) And it works. It enhances your poem and what you intend to do.

I have a question though. There is a "Nicole" and an "I". But there is also a "you". And then there are things happening in the poem that I am not sure how to connect those. The leap from the bus to the bottom part of the poem, starting with what I quoted below, is a bit obscure. It's not that I cannot understand it, but I think that especially this couplet could be worked out a bit more. So that it becomes clear who "they" are.
South west and 4G is all pervasive. You
are having tests, they, you and I all think cancer.
 

dannyboy

WF Veterans
need the commas between pissed and you've? I don't like the pause it creates there, otherwise lovely piece.
I didn't get confused about the I you, Nicole etc, but I wonder if the "they, you and I" could be expressed differently?
Do you need the" all" or just "think about cancer"?
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Thank you both, for taking the time to read, you’ve both given me something to think about.

For me, the option would be to remove the Nicole aspect and leave it as just you and I, the they I think does need changing as it isn’t clear that who I mean by they, is the Doctors.

As to the jump from A to B, from walking to text I wanted that to be a little abrupt because that was the experience of the speaker and I think it speaks to the idea that one minute you can be casually having a walk to the next, someone you know is sick etc.

But I also think I’d prefer to keep Nicole in on the piece. She features a hell of a lot in my poetry and you’ll if you persevere with my writing will get to learn more about her than she’d probably like.

I’ll Definitely be sorting out the comma in the last portion, you’re right that it is very jarring, I throw them around like confetti. Always have done.

Thanks again, revising the piece and I’ll of course share once done.

cheers

Syd
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
I hope you don't mind me sharing another so soon after the last,


Stepping Stones

It is wet, September
Nicole and I have dragged ourselves
from the house to walk a trail.
I am haphazardly...…………..
……………………stepping stones
………...…to wet feet
…………………………….when you text.

We’re surprised that reception exists here-
but then Sheffield is only

.................................….six

..............................…..miles

South west and 4G is all pervasive. You
are having tests, they, you and I all think cancer.


That slither of thyroid, left over from last time,
having the last

.....................……..LOL
................................and at your expense.

Nicole wants to know what’s wrong? All I can
think is how I’m pissed, you’ve told me this by text.


I do like the poem, I found the way it is structured, and the way you moved from moment to moment intriguing and unique... 2 of my favorite things ;)

BUT.... think about it.... is it crucial to the MESSAGE of your poem, to use Nicole's name... I can see how it would matter if you are writing a prose scene, and you want your reader to understand that Nicole did this, Bob did that... but in a poem, and in THIS poem, does it matter, does it enhance your message.... jmo, but I think the use of her name nudges this poem toward prose and gives it a different vibe...
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Overall a sound, evocative piece. I do concur that removing Nicole and switching the first I to we, would broaden the empathetic demographic by a considerable margin. Current statistics are 1 in 4 people will deal with a cancer diagnosis, so most readers will see the face of someone they know. Also, south west...should be southwest, one word. And is the slither of thyroid maybe supposed to be sliver. Slither is a verb, sliver an adjective and/or a noun. Just something to consider to negate confusion. The narrator's voice is completely relatable. Not an easy thing to do.

- D.
 
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