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Poppy

Senior Member
Coffee cups
bagels fresh.
Honeyed wholemeal toast
yellow tulips, just this morning picked.

Your scent loiters profusely
as lattice fingers trace my doubts away.
The stillness of it all
overwhelmed, yet not afraid, said she!

You carried me gifts
that I could not sleep.
I fall -
the flower, the wind did free.
Rising taste -
In the shell of my own, breath
encircling sweetness.
I would ask you to stay
Beg of you in long strides.

Sometimes I am given to forget.
You could; help me recollect.


Poppy ~xx~
 

jack2

Senior Member
Hi Poppy,
much of the long third strophe left me a bit confused. Being an inexperienced writer, some metaphors will do that to me.
Not sure about your use of that semicolon in the last line. Take care,

Jack
 

Poppy

Senior Member
Hi Poppy,
much of the long third strophe left me a bit confused. Being an inexperienced writer, some metaphors will do that to me.
Not sure about your use of that semicolon in the last line. Take care,

Jack
Thanks for the comments Jack; much appreciated.
I am afraid it is the way I write, you either get it - or you don't!:smile:
I don't write straight forward poetry (well not that often)!

Cheers
Pops ~xx~
 

Ariel

WF Veterans
I get the impression from the last line that it could be read either that the you could forget as well or that the you could help the speaker to recollect. I like this collection of images and the meaning that I'm gleaning from them but altogether it seems haphazardly put together. Punctuation really is the glue that holds poems together and the punctuation used in this is, well, haphazard and does nothing to control the rhythm.
 

jack2

Senior Member
Noted, Poppy;
but wouldn't you want to be understood by the uninitiated reader as well, rather than just by poets who write for other poets? But to each his own; no problem.:biggrin:
Jack
 
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