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Spittle Makes the Spinning Stop (foul language) (1 Viewer)

kbsmith

Senior Member
Have you ever
Gome to sleep my dear pretty
Gone to sleep;
Lost your mind
in a drifting sea?

Or have you ever
crept through a door
to change your whole perspective?

Well, just yesterday I sat on the back porch of my house,
next to the empty swings (a yet uncut tree branch in the way),
spitting
for hours. Drinking water. Aiming the spit at the center, trying to hit the perfect point. Right in the center.
Rightn
the center...
!
Missed again.

--

My, only spitting?
Flatline done
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing g

And felt perfect?

--

Like picture screens that surround you wverywwher and you can just

Turn them on or off
Or change them to felt.

--

Drat!
Missed again.
If I could only hit the perfect center... choose one way to be that would captivate so completely; enter the mind of the other, the reader, and grasp them in their grasping!!
Well, then!
Holy hive mind, batm an
!
what's happening to me?

--

Gumfucksleep my dearpretty
I'll show you all what it
f feelfucks like
to be
!
to thin k
!
you're in contro lof
anything!
anuthing ata l
You-pay. for-life.

--

Drip-drop-slop the spit
Tries to hit the center.
Splat!
Change. doesn't.
 
Last edited:

TipGrundlefunk

Senior Member
Fantastic poe m.

I loved the stammering spaces, it really gives the poem character.

I would have ended it at;

Change. doesn't.

If I'm honest, the last 3 lines are redundant and I don't think add anything to the poem.

Tip
 

kbsmith

Senior Member
Thank you. Your eye does not cease to amaze. Removed last three lines. I am going to come back and edit for boldness and italics that I think will make some parts clearer.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
kb... yes I have... you left the mundane faaaar behind and went to the sublimmme... sooo unique and original, 2 of my favorite things.. now, the not sooo nice ... sometimes, less is more.. this is powerful... so watchit... don't dilute it with too much...
 

kbsmith

Senior Member
Thanks FM.
I don't think it's been diluted.
I feel like the wordplay and format adds a third dimension, but maybe I'm biased. Any opinions?
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
sorrrry... I have trouble expressing myself.. less is more.. like a drop of blood--- more chilling than a severed head..you did not dilute the power of your fabulous poem...
 
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