Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

Spindrift: To David (1 Viewer)

apple

WF Veterans
To my Valentine forever



Spindrift: To David

Silent night and holy holy holy
you lie in a cloud of breath
taking my perfume inside

The sea breathes in
and lets go
to spend itself upon the shore
then gathers back again
to spend once more


Silent night and unaware
that I watch so deep
you breathe as the sea
with soft spindrift sighs in your release

The shadow you
not bathed in moonlight on our bed
rises from your sleeping eyes
and gathers round my heart
It finds my bones
and smooths with smoky fingers
then nestles warm
and familiar there

I bend to you
to kiss your fingertips
and your sweet eyes
then lie back and listen to the waves

The sea breathes in
and lets go
to spend itself upon the shore
then gathers back again
to spend once more
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I don’t bandy this about often, but I think this is beautiful. There is an intimacy that makes the reading feel almost like an intrusion. If I had one criticism I’m not sure about the repetition of silent night. It would take additional wordage but I think loosing the second appearance of it would strengthen the piece.

Overall though, really love it.

Cheers

Syd
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
To my Valentine forever



Spindrift: To David

Silent night and holy holy holy
you lie in a cloud of breath
taking my perfume inside

The sea breathes in
and lets go
to spend itself upon the shore
then gathers back again
to spend once more


Silent night and unaware
that I watch so deep
you breathe as the sea
with soft spindrift sighs in your release

The shadow you
not bathed in moonlight on our bed
rises from your sleeping eyes
and gathers round my heart
It finds my bones
and smooths with smoky fingers
then nestles warm
and familiar there

I bend to you
to kiss your fingertips
and your sweet eyes
then lie back and listen to the waves

The sea breathes in
and lets go
to spend itself upon the shore
then gathers back again
to spend once more

Dear Apple, I love this fragile, ethereal vibe... dreamy, innocent yet provocative.... the refraining stanza adds a timeless mood.... maybe that is not the best way to express myself... let me think.... hummm... it is as if time is standing still, in that moment, and it is the feeling of the waves coming to shore over and over again... that kind of "timeless".... anyway, words escape me... this is a gorgeous poem... one thing to think about...5th stanza, line 1 and 2 could be simplified ..."I bend to kiss your fingertips"... just a thought...does not hurt the poem at all though... soooo.... thank you for a lovely, dreamy poem....;)
 

apple

WF Veterans
Oh, thank you so much Syd and Fire. It means so much to me to get such wonderful feedback on this poem. Syd, I can understand what you say about losing the final stanza, but to me to end it with comfort and peace, the ebb and flow, like being rocked to sleep. Fire, (awesomeness abundant) Thank you, I will change that line. I agree.
 
Top