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Southern Californian Automobiles (1 Viewer)

Nate Gallon

Senior Member
Cars are too damned loud,
God damn it!
Walking down the sidewalk
being taunted by those
revving
engines.
Fuck.

Makes
me want to jump
into traffic just to
hold them up for some bit.

Then I talk to people and
seems as though
everyone
hates
walking.

I like walking
I enjoy silence.
It's almost like these
people
never walked and
just love flooring it when
they see some bum
like me
using his legs.
Fucking irritating;

And don't get me started on car doors.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Really like the concept behind this piece, you do well to capture and present your reader with a moment. It feels a little like a stream of consciousness piece of writing which I really like. I also like the way you have used enjambement leading into one word lines in both S1 and S3.

This being said, I think the use of damn and damned, so close to one another, in stanza one to be a little awkward. As well as the sequence in which you go from “everyone/hates/walking,” to, “I like walking.” That feels both awkward and a little on the nose.

I think playing a little with line length throughout leading into the one word lines and away from them, would really help make the piece more impactful throughout.

Hope that helps.

Cheers

Syd
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Wellll, I do and I don't.... I do like that you gave yourself freedom to cut loose and be damned if this was poetic.... for me, it was not... you TOLD me everything, and left me nothing to explore...
 

stony

Senior Member
This needs more to bring me in. As is, it feels too much like a passing angry commentary than poetry. However, I think the subject generates enough emotion in you to really dig in and paint a better picture with your words.

Why and how does the car noise bother you?

Hurts your ear drums?
Interrupts your concentration?
Raises your heart rate?

You can find creative ways to describe how the noise affects you and then you bring the reader in. You give them something to relate to.
 
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