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Song of the heart (1 Viewer)

zbrown210

Senior Member
Amongst the boughs the melody echoes.

Beautiful notes sang from the heart.

It ripples amongst the people filling them with hope.

Song and chorus reverberating in air.

Sweet to the ear the heart rejoices

The soul comes alive within and gives thanks to the Lord

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Darkkin

WF Veterans
A very nice sentiment, but the rather generic language falls a little short on impact and musicality. From a reader's standpoint, it does not resonate with implied song. It is simply the narrator telling the reader what they should expect, thus making the piece very passive...(Sort of like having someone describe a concert of a band you've never heatd.) Consider the sounds, music how it can be illustrated, how it can be given shape, form, and movement. Music is not passive, nor should it be as it is one of the most universal and powerful concepts in the world.

e.g.

dee...dee...dee...chicka...dee...dee...dee
hear the song of my people
dee...dee...dee...chicka...dee...dee...dee
chickadee...dee...dee
who are we...we...we
chickadee...

whoo...it...whoo...it
so sounds the voice
the cardinal
whoo...it...whoo...it

choir of the woodland
carolers of the verge
wassailers of the soul

alive in the bitter air
 
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