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Sometimes it's ok, not to be ok (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
You couldn't notice,
When!!! What wind!!! took away the glitters of you,
And you were standing there,
As dull, rough, a bit empty inside,
In your own company,
Cornered by none, but you,
For you were not accepting yourself like that
Feeling yourself to be destroyed, and so annoyed,
You slided the curtain of silence,
In front of you,
So nobody could read your words,
So no help could come for you,
The black hole you created,
Started swallowing you slowly,
And gradually, you raising walls of aloofness,
And were left inside that cocoon, so lonely,
Layer by layer, your disappearance you were feeling,
But to awaken, urge of your existence,
Consciousness wanted to choose an appropriate time,
To be that willing,
That one fine moment,
You glanced outside through your window,
Saw that leafless tree,
Cut half to it's length,
Looking too dwarf,
For its mega size earlier,
A tiny pale green sprout,
Was emerging out,
At the lower height of the , skinny stem,
So vulnerable, so innocent,
Yet a baby hope,
That was the knocking of your conscience,
Knock knock... Life is not meant for perfection,
Sometimes, it's ok,
Not to be ok,
And rest is the story of life.....

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Really like this piece, I really get a sense of isolation and loneliness throughout this piece, you do well to create empathy for the subject.

I would actually argue that what doesn’t work for me is the title and the last three lines of the piece. They kind of feel a little trite which brings the piece down for me.

Hope this helps

Cheers

Syd
 

PiP

Staff member
Co-Owner
Hi Ritu. I enjoyed the poem and can imagine this as spoken word. I stumbled a few times as I was reading aloud. I will highlight some of these in red. There were also several redundant words. the punctuation is also suspect with all commas and no full stops (Commonwealth English), periods (North American English). You have some nice imagery. Overall I feel the poem needs tightening. (but I could be wrong)

You couldn't notice,
When!!! What wind!!! took away the glitters of you,
And you were standing there,
As dull, rough, a bit empty inside,
In your own company,
Cornered by none, but you,
For you were not accepting yourself like that
Feeling yourself to be destroyed, and so annoyed,
You slided the curtain of silence,
In front of you,
So nobody could read your words,
So no help could come for you,
The black hole you created,
Started swallowing you slowly,
And gradually, you raising walls of aloofness,
And were left inside that cocoon, so lonely,
Layer by layer, your disappearance you were feeling,
But to awaken, urge of your existence,
Consciousness wanted to choose an appropriate time,
To be that willing,
That one fine moment,
You glanced outside through your window,
Saw that leafless tree,
Cut half to it's length,
Looking too dwarf,
For its mega size earlier,
A tiny pale green sprout,
Was emerging out,
At the lower height of the , skinny stem,

So vulnerable, so innocent,
Yet a baby hope,
That was the knocking of your conscience,
Knock knock... Life is not meant for perfection,
Sometimes, it's ok,
Not to be ok,
And rest is the story of life.....

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi PiP,
Sorry, I am replying you so late. I had thought, I would reply you with revised version of the poem by incorporating some of your suggestions, but till now I haven't been able to do that. I will try to do that later.
Thanks a lot for your efforts for sincerely reading that, and then giving your thoughts to it, if it could be made any better.

Ritu
 
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