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"Something Wicked" Chapter 1:*Mild Violence/ Adult Language-Content* (2392 words) (1 Viewer)


Senior Member

Novice Writer at best with no formal training looking to learn

Looking for General critique. I have been writing this for some time now, I have gone over it and rewritten the entire chapter because I felt I gave to much background information and I wanted a better flow. Please let me know how I am doing so far, I'm sure I will need to rewrite this chapter based on the information I receive, as well as the rest of the chapters I have currently. Thank you for your time and expertise.


I never understood why they always run. I mean come on, you know I will chase you. I’m going to catch you, and I will smack you for making me chase you! I see him just ahead, all I hear is boots slapping pavement. My breath is steady, and heart is pumping just a little faster with the thrill of the chase. He’s zigzagging around buildings; he keeps moving in and out of my sight. He's fast but not fast enough, for me this is a cat and mouse game, and I am so the cat! Everything in me is focused on this moment, weaving in and out of businesses, streaking through people like they are standing still, moving faster than the human eye can see. I laugh with the pure joy of the chase, predator and prey dancing to the beat of what will be the inevitable conclusion.

So here I am hunting a vampire through downtown, he decided to snack on someone who didn’t want to be a snack, Ha! Fancy that, someone who doesn’t want to be bitten by a vamp, that doesn’t happen very often these days. Most people pay significant amounts of money to have a fangasim. I hear the organism from a vampire bite is mind blowing. Still, there is the whole consent thing that some of them still forget. Like this fool who is still running, honestly thinking I won’t catch him, idiot!

I hop up onto a rooftop and follow him for a few more blocks, jumping from building to building. I know the exact spot I want to ambush him when it comes up I leap off the building. The take-down is worthy of a W.W.E. smack down move, and the crowd goes wild! Not really but I do hear it in my head because it is just that good! I do a perfect swan dive onto his back, and we roll a few times until I’m on top of him with his hands caught between mine.

“I didn’t do anything I swear” he yells spitting gravel out of his mouth.

“So, it wasn’t you I caught snacking on a woman who was screaming for help, my bad.” I smack the back of his head, and his forehead hits the pavement hard. I smirk, DAMN, I love my job. “Tony, I saw you are you seriously going to try and lie to me?” Tony is a relatively new to the vampire race a 20ish year turn and he, like the other baby vamps, sometimes forget their table manners.

“Taz you got me fair, but I couldn’t help it, I mean I wasn’t gonna hurt her. I was just yanno looking for a quick bite.”

I smack the back of his head again, and he hits the pavement. “I hate when you guys do this cause now I have to run you in for a three day confinement.”

He looks over his shoulder with a little fear in his eyes. “Aww come on Taz don’t run me in, I can’t stand the Hemosynth they make us drink in lock up.”

Hemosynth is a synthetic drink meant to replace the need for real blood. The blood suckers hate it, but it’s an option for those who don’t want to drink human blood. Believe it or not, there are some who choose not to. Then there are vamps have been incarcerated and no longer have a live blood source. I’ve heard it tastes like shit, but I guess you can get used to anything if you really have to. Most of the vamps don’t bother with the synthetic stuff. There are too many people willing to let them sink fangs into them.

I help him stand and look at him “You should have thought about that before you went for an unwanted nibble in my patrol zone. Next time take your ass to one of the blood bars in town, there are any number of “donors” there that would love to let you feed on them. Why aren’t you there anyway?”

He gives me a spooked look “I kinda got in a little bit of trouble with Alexander, and you know he owns all of the blood bars in the city.”

I look at him cocking my head to the side, “O.K., what have you done now?”

He blushes, too funny a vampire who blushes, I wanted to laugh, but I didn’t. “I sort of hit on his flavor of the year."

I roll my eyes and snort “That was supremely stupid.”

“I know I know, I swear didn’t know he had claimed her when I did it.” He shakes his head and looks at me with pleading eyes as if begging me to understand.

I sigh “Tony have you been under a rock? He has been seeing Carmen for a months.”

He looks down, kicking the ground with the toe of his shoe “I never saw her before, so I didn’t know who she was when I offered her my umm, services for the night.”

I look at the vamp; he is a fairly good looking dead guy. He has dark brown hair that falls over his forehead into his green eyes a little, a good jaw line with a hint of a grin always on his face. I can see where he could probably have a dozen women falling over him on any given night. Figures his dumb ass would hit on the one human that is completely off limits since she is the main squeeze of the most powerful vamp in the city, and of course he goes and tries to hook up with her, SEE! He is an IDIOT!

“Sorry Tony, major stupidity or not, I still have to take you to lock up for three days. Next time just find someone who wants to get seduced, your good looking, it shouldn’t be hard.”

He looks at me and grins, “I knew you thought I was sexy.”

I smacked him in the head again. “Don’t flatter yourself fangs.”

He looks dejected for a second then grins at me like the fool he is. I roll my eyes and start him walking to my car.

Sooo, guess you’re wondering how I ran down a vampire on foot huh?

Not bad for an eighty-three-year-old, right? Would you believe it's in the genes? Seriously, some scientists backed by the government did some who do voodoo in a lab eighty something years ago, and now we have Bio-Enhanced Agents. It's all very science fiction, but hey I just caught a vampire, which is not a catch and release sport. As a B.E. Agent, I am a step above U.S. Marshals, and we are all D.P.D. Agents, Department of Preternatural Defense. I catch the things that go bump in the night who don't behave themselves. I’m Taz Kane short for Tazia, and I will be your guide for this trip. Please keep your hands and feet in the vehicle at all times, don’t touch the radio and buckle up buttercup we are going for one hell of a ride!

I finally get Tony over to my car; it’s a sweet little 2014 Dodge Charger. I had her restored to mint condition, had a roll cage added and had the back modified to with all the latest in creepy crawly restraining equipment the government can think up. This beauty is matte black with black out everything just like it would have been back in its’ prime. The only thing I couldn't restore was the engine, we have been running on electric for the last fifty plus years, so there was no way to use the combustion engine. There have been several changes made from back then to the current 2074-year model cars.

Tony looks at the car and whistles “Where in the world did you dig this thing up?” amazement etched on his face “Man, hell of a remodel, this thing is a beaut!”

I grin and push him into the back of the car “Thanks” I shut his door, open the drivers door, slide in, put the key into the ignition and start her up. This thing sounds like the old hot rods from back in the 70’s and 80’s, wonderfully loud.

We drive down i459 towards the North Central Police Department over on Municipal Lane in Hoover. Sixty years ago, it was just the Hoover Police Department, but with more and more dangerous preternatural creatures coming out of the darkness we needed a larger area to hold them, the old department was knocked down, and the city with government funding renovated the entire area.

Now because of those renovations, the area around it has flourished with tons of restaurants, bars, shops, entertainment venues and high-end hotels. The new police department has a jail area that is made to hold any breed that comes in, no matter the type or powers they have, for the most part. The government started categorizing the abilities and capabilities of each breed and figuring out ways to either destroy or contain them once they had the ability. Every state has at least one of these police containment units depending on the size and population of the state.

We pull into the department, I grab Tony out of the back and we walk into the lobby, “Hey Serg” I greet Vic, the front desk sergeant.

He looks up at me and smiles “What’s shakin’ Taz, how’s my favorite demolition agent?”

I smirk “Hey I haven’t destroyed any part of the city in ages, give me a break, and that last time wasn’t my fault, talk to the Fae who started it!” I wag my finger at him. I cut my eyes to Tony “I would be better if fangs over here could keep them in his mouth but otherwise I’m good.” Sergeant Vic Masters is a heavy-set cop who used to be one of the best the N.C.P.D. had until he was injured on the job. Now he sits at the front desk awaiting his retirement. He’s a good cop though; I like him.“Hey, are the boys in?”

He chuckles and looks behind him like he can see them “Yeah, I think they are still at their desks, head on back.”

I wink at him “Thanks” I grab Tony and head back to drop him off at processing, once he’s all tucked in for the night I go check on my two favorite detectives.

The Bullpen is buzzing with the noise of the detectives working cases, walking back and forth from area to area or on the phones. This area of the N.C.P.D. is for all detectives no matter what branch they work in; it’s a large enough area that they don’t have to separate which is good for cases that overlap. You don’t have to go hunt down the other detectives, you just walk over to their desk and bam case merged and hopefully solved.
I stand there for a minute looking around the room and taking in the energy. Now you might have a picture in your head of semi-fat guys in polyester suits with ties stained from their lunch; you couldn't be farther from the truth.

These days the detectives have a strict athletic program that they must follow to remain on the force, which includes all officers of the law for that matter. See they have to deal with much stronger, faster and sometimes smarter creatures than humans so they can't be the proverbial donut toting fat cop like the old days. All detectives now have a suit that looks like it came from a high-end designer, made of a unique blended material that is both clothing and armor all in one. No more bulky bulletproof vests and no more worn out suits. These guys look like they could all be walking a runway. It helps that most of them have some form of preternatural blood in them as well. Not like the B.E. agents, just a melding of species the good old fashioned way.

Spotting the detectives in question I get to get a good eyeful of serious man candy. Both are in incredible shape, even in their spiffy suits you can tell they have a well-muscled physic and take full advantage of the athletic program here. Jax is in a navy suit with a light blue button down and navy, light blue, and gold striped tie. Alex Jax is absolutely yummy. Ladies let me tell you “DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN” doesn’t even to begin to cover what this almost perfect specimen of maleness looks like, he is the poster boy for wet dreams. Mr. Delicious has thick blue-black hair cut perfectly, you know, one of those cuts that cost more than your power bill. Blue eyes so perfectly blue that there is no hint of gray or green in them just brilliant blue, his navy suit and light blue shirt give the illusion that those gorgeous orbs are glowing. A vision that would make angels weep with envy with soft full lips that make you want to beg him for a kiss. He also happens to be Seelie Fae which explains the near unreal beauty of him.

The urge to treat him like a lollipop comes to mind when I look at him, I have to mentally shake myself.

I look over to his partner Lathe Sullivan. His suit is black with a salmon button-down and black tie. Lathe is no slouch in the looks department himself with dark wavy brown hair, the kind your fingers itch to run through. Soft milk chocolate brown eyes framed by super long thick eyelashes that most woman would kill to have. He has a ruggedly handsome face with a strong square jaw, straight nose, and an equally kissable mouth. Lathe also happens to be one of the most powerful warlocks in the Eastern half of the United States. Finally, after I get my eye full I make sure they don’t spot me, and I sneak out of the bullpen and head out of the precinct and into the warm night air.
Last edited:

Chester Stark

Senior Member
I enjoyed it a lot, there's just one or two things I might point out.
Firstly, I think you meant 'orgasm', and not 'organism'. Ditto for 'fangasim', should be 'fangasm'.
The other thing is, here; '“Tony, I saw you are you seriously going to try and lie to me?” Tony is a relatively new to the vampire race a 20ish year turn and he, like the other baby vamps, sometimes forget their table manners.' I would put in a few extra commas, e.g. '“Tony, I saw you(COMMA) are you seriously going to try and lie to me?” Tony is a relatively new to the vampire race (COMMA) a 20ish year turn (COMMA) and he, like the other baby vamps, sometimes forget their table manners.'


Senior Member
I enjoyed it a lot, there's just one or two things I might point out.
Firstly, I think you meant 'orgasm', and not 'organism'. Ditto for 'fangasim', should be 'fangasm'.
The other thing is, here; '“Tony, I saw you are you seriously going to try and lie to me?” Tony is a relatively new to the vampire race a 20ish year turn and he, like the other baby vamps, sometimes forget their table manners.' I would put in a few extra commas, e.g. '“Tony, I saw you(COMMA) are you seriously going to try and lie to me?” Tony is a relatively new to the vampire race (COMMA) a 20ish year turn (COMMA) and he, like the other baby vamps, sometimes forget their table manners.'

Thank you so much for the feedback! My punctuation is still a work in progress. I will revisit a few words that I've added to the mix, I have found a few others like fangasm that need to be fixed. I'm glad you liked it and thank you so much for taking the time to read it!