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Soapbox (1 Viewer)

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Soapbox

Some see a platform

for

prowess
propaganda

without provenance

others look inward
and consider

the soap

the substance

add water

see it
feel it

foam, expand...

into something more--
deeper than

a wet box
 
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Punctuation? Also I like the way you incorporate narrative and the lack of imagery in there. It's not a bad thing but at least use some poetic devices, ones that make it more vivid because I don't really see anything vivid in here. Also I think you should make this a haiku, I feel you would more to say if it were written instead of writing in free verse. Also I think the ellipses has to go, it doesn't make sense to add that in S1 L1 because I feel that makes it useless in the poem, what's the point of it? Also I feel that it does nothing writing about a bar of soap, so what if it's something more deep than a wet box, write something unique about the soap, what does it look like? It is pink? Are you using the soap? What? Anyway thanks for sharing this piece.
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Haiku: 5,7,5 nature inspired or free verse, hmm...I think you kinda missed the boat, or lost the box in this case. Stephen Fry's The Ode Less Travelled might help you to understand why either bipolar format would not work in this instance. Devices such as...(?) and where (?). Devices for the sake of device and imagery without function are filler. How would device (x) serve to strengthen the piece? Please be specific and illustrate your reasoning with examples.

Punctuation is a choice, not a requisite in poetry. And if it is demanded, illustrate where and why. e.g.

Also anyone who has ever washed dishes, taken a bath, or blown bubbles has their own imagery of the soapy awesomenes. Why fill in when readers can do that on their own? Give a little credit to readers for being about to envision the physics of soap, which in no way is described as a bar here, not sure where that came from or why I would default to bar soap.

Look up the origin of soapbox and it might help. Last, but not least the ellipse is L13 and there is not enough here to warrant stanzas. Linear poetry can bother some people because it is not overwrought and beating the reader over the head with imagery, it tends to be cerebral, not obvious. Think of it as nerd poetry.

I appreciated the read and keep on honing those critique skills. It helps to vary how your sentences start...four lines, four alsos...be conscious of your word choice for greater impact. Try reading aloud to make sure you make sense, as there is a random what just before that last line. It casts doubt on the viability of the critique. Also beware of the gnomes...
 
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I see, alright, from other forums that I use, my critiques can either be valuable or just discarded and not to be used at all. But I try. I appreciate the topic though. Not many I know are about soap.
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Do some dishes, take a minute to play with the bubbles, maybe google the origins of soapbox platforms and Marcus Aurelius. Try your hand at haiku. Also consider reading aloud and editing before posting to reduce the chance of sounding a bit ridiculous. It really does help.

Cheers.
 
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Do I sound ridiculous? I was aiming for sincere opinion. I mean I was just trying to tell you to add some imagery cause I didn't quite feel immersed.
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Read your critique aloud...and listen to how you sound. If you have to ask, one has to question if you actually read what you write. Nobody is that clueless and it brings certain aspects of Scandinavian folklore to mind.

I have been polite about the inane babble up to this point. (Honestly, Gollum makes more sense.) Any further discussion with you is a waste of your effort and mine. You have no support or examples for any of your suggestions. And I have asked for specific examples of how these suggestions would strengthen the piece. You have none. The 'critique' embodies the wet cardboard without any contextual support. (Meaning it crumples beneath its own empty dithering.) Unfortunately like those annoying customer call centers, some writers require contextual proof of how a suggestion will actually improve a piece, not just a vague comment. (You know how you have to prove how you are you with certain pieces of information, even when all you want to do is pay your bill.) This is where those pesky examples are required.

Thusly, be kind enough to take your profound knowledge to another thread where others will undoubtedly benefit from your enlightening insights, like 'write something unique about soap'... Sadly some threads are not ready for such gifted review. Idiom allegories are too shallow for such crushing depths.

Moderators are already aware of your post(s). We have a marvelous ignore feature, I recommend utilising it and acquiring a different soapbox. Please excuse me from offering reciprotorial comment, as I am grossly unqualified for the task. Given that I fail to incorporate imagery, poetic devices, haiku, free verse, and (gasp) punctuation in the OP...one has to wonder, why am I even writing. Such an affront to those unsuspecting readers...(insert tradegy face)

Best of luck.
 
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Phil Istine

WF Veterans
Soapbox

Some see a platform

for

prowess
propaganda

without provenance

others look inward
and consider

the soap

the substance

add water

see it
feel it

foam, expand...

into something more
deeper than

a wet box

This is quite a departure from your usual style - more a poem that has me thinking rather than imagining all kinds of fantastic happenings.
My mind pictured Speakers Corner by London's Hyde Park, probably because I live only about thirty miles from there.
I liked the part "...without provenance", the final line of a section where the p's gained emphasis. Yes, unlike some speakers, these don't have to prove a damned thing and can prattle on about all manner of things.

The only part that pulled me away from the poem briefly was
"into something more
deeper than"
Initially, I read it without a pause, so "more deeper" didn't make sense, but poetry often has pauses implied by the line breaks, and when I re-read it was fine.
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
This is quite a departure from your usual style - more a poem that has me thinking rather than imagining all kinds of fantastic happenings.
My mind pictured Speakers Corner by London's Hyde Park, probably because I live only about thirty miles from there.
I liked the part "...without provenance", the final line of a section where the p's gained emphasis. Yes, unlike some speakers, these don't have to prove a damned thing and can prattle on about all manner of things.

The only part that pulled me away from the poem briefly was
"into something more
deeper than"
Initially, I read it without a pause, so "more deeper" didn't make sense, but poetry often has pauses implied by the line breaks, and when I re-read it was fine.

I did a minor edit on the more line break to emphasize the pause without actual punctuation. The action line for the soap is the only place I want that for impact because how many people stop and investigate the soap in the soap crate, consider how it reacts, functions. It is a play on the source of the idiom and the idiom itself.

Appreciate the read and the info about the Speakers Corner. The town where I did my undergrad work has a pirate who stands on a corner two blocks from the adult bookstore, protesting the adult bookstore in compliance with the adult bookstore's restraining order against the pirate.

- D.
 

PiP

Staff member
Co-Owner
A clever poem, Darkkin.

i particularly like

Soapbox



others look inward
and consider

the soap

the substance

add water

see it
feel it

foam, expand...

the words have depth.

i have found myself foaming at the mouth more than once when certain famous people get on their soap box :)
 

Phil Istine

WF Veterans
I did a minor edit on the more line break to emphasize the pause without actual punctuation. The action line for the soap is the only place I want that for impact because how many people stop and investigate the soap in the soap crate, consider how it reacts, functions. It is a play on the source of the idiom and the idiom itself.

Appreciate the read and the info about the Speakers Corner. The town where I did my undergrad work has a pirate who stands on a corner two blocks from the adult bookstore, protesting the adult bookstore in compliance with the adult bookstore's restraining order against the pirate.

- D.


As you might imagine, I was a little reluctant to mention punctuation on that line :) , but those dashes make the required pause abundantly clear - even to a hasty reader like myself.

Now that pirate sounds fascinating.
 

Matchu

Senior Member
That's kind of a lovely poem, I wish I had it in front of me now. Ahh:

Soapbox

Some see a platform

for

prowess
propaganda

without provenance

others look inward
and consider

the soap

the substance

add water

see it
feel it

foam, expand...

into something more--
deeper than

a wet box

You'd have real fun with this one down the 'poetry night' - acting it out should provoke a couple of whoops from the back of hall. I hope you get the chance, eh? All best

...

As for Speakers' Corner, used to work up there, saw Lord Soper even...and where the 'old soldier'/my colleague would turn dreamy on issue of 'knee tremblers' during blackout 1944.
 
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