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So there's these two guys... (1 Viewer)

Kevin

WF Veterans
"You see, I'm like...a ventriloquist."

"Whad'ya'mean, a "ventriloquist"?

"You know...guy goes up on stage. He's got the dummy. They sit, or stand together, and have a conversation."

"But you don't have a dummy."

"You're lookin' at him. I'm the dummy. And, it's like I have an imaginary dummy, in my head. We converse."

"So, you have an imaginary wood dummy in your head, that you talk to?"

"Nah. I said it's like I have a dummy. Really, it's more like a person."

"...and this person talks to you. What're you sayin'... that you hear a voice? You're hearing voices?"

"I don't actually hear anything, I just imagine it. I say things, and he answers back."

"So, you have conversations, like we're having right now?

"Now, you've got it!"
 
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MistressM

Senior Member
What I really like about this is how you're thrown into this conversation, and you feel really interested. And it made me smile, because I just got the impression of this wide eyed little kid, sucking on a lolly maybe, asking someone all these questions, feeling curious. Though of course the characters you had in mind could be completely different, because this is just my interpretation. So now I feel really intrigued as to what you intended it to be! My favourite lines are:
"So, you have an imaginary wood dummy in your head, that you talk to?"
"Nah. I said it's like I have a dummy. Really, it's more like a person."
Though is this an intro for a short story? Or the epilogue for a book? Or is this the whole thing? Because now, I'm just going "What the...? Who are these people? Why are they having a conversation about the guy's job? Is the second person a kid? Is the ventriloquist guy famous or a nobody? Is it even a guy? What happens next? Where are they?"
So I think if this is a story starter or epilogue or something, it's fantastic! Though just on it's own, for me it just fell a bit flat once I realise there's nothing else and I don't get to find out if the story progresses. I'd love it if there's more! Or if you could at least know who these people are. Young, old, man, woman...?
And if it were me, for the last line I would have put something like "Mm hm..." to show the ventriloquist is immersed in thought, maybe the questions provoked a train of memories or something, and there the story continues. Though since it's not my story and I don't know what happens next, well, that's just me!
Overall, I think it'd be great if you had a bit more information on the whole overall situation.
Well done!
 

bazz cargo

Retired Supervisor
Hi Kevin,
Is this you and your inner child noodling about?
It is well written and I can relate to the concept. Maybe my own inner dialogue is less structured, but it would make lousy reading.
There is just enough to show you can write, not enough to call a story. You tease me.
I look forward to seeing something else by you.
 

Kevin

WF Veterans
B.O.(whoops!)Besides plot, setting, character description, or much of anything else, what did you mean? And if you say it wasn't funny, I'll cry.

MisstressM- Sorry, that's all there was for this one. I guess I did allright if it kept your attention(one never knows..) I'm just happy it was readable. Thank you.

Bazz- "inner dialogue"(so that's what it's called!) This kind of stuff goes on quite often. At least it's a change from "Old reruns of music I've heard and would prefer to never hear again...", or "thinking of things that I should have done..." It seemed at least, a little entertaining, so I thought I'd share. I've heard that your not supposed to laugh at your own jokes. I don't know that I would call this a joke, but I do get a chuckle at my self, sometimes. I once actually had a co-worker tell me that my brain was being "too loud."(!?!) Anyway, thank you so much for your compliments. I hope I can share some more.
 
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oornelakes

Senior Member
take out "I'm the dummy. And, it's like I have an imaginary dummy, in my head."
take out "I said it's like I have a dummy. Really,"
take out ""...and this person talks to you. What're you sayin'... that you hear a voice?"

well, I don't know. It's just an idea. I realize I've just shortened it, but really I think it ought to be longer. But I liked it, whatever it is.
 

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