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Slip Under My Armor (First draft) (1 Viewer)

mybleedingkeyboard

Senior Member
Ceilings fold through tired eyes
Lying in wait
Lying for the taste
Your hips pushed up against
My mouth
Make my way
To the small of your waist
My eyes match
The fire you lit
Is starting to catch

How heavy it is
Beneath you
How weak I am
To keep you

Despite every warning
Red flag systems I built
Into divider tabs
Of every redeemable quality
I ever imagined you to have

“He’s so outspoken.”
But his words seared thru skin
“He’s such a survivor.”
It was I who had to survive him
“But those eyes of solid blue...”
Were always set to wander
“His strong body”
Was always creating friction
Always belonging to some one new
“His hands of labor”
Impaled me with the hollowest touch
“His kiss was danger”
It always kept me in his clutch

So I slid my armor down
Opened the door and let him inside.
I gave him every piece of me
And he took me for a ride.
He cracked open
the space between two lungs
He slipped his venom in me
And proclaimed
“THIS. IS. LOVE.”
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

There is an aching honesty to this piece that really speaks to me as a reader, I like the way in which you utilise what for me seems like a very sensual moment to explore the doubts and fears of the speaker. It’s as if in this moment all walls have fallen down to reveal what is there and what isn’t there. I would definitely recommend you reading, Sharon Old’s Stags Leap which is a very moving collection of poetry which really epitomises what you are trying to do here.

For me personally I would love there to be more rise and fall in the way the lines flow, currently it feels a little one note, ummph, ummph, ummph, I’d like a soft tone to intersect the harder tones.

I get what you’re trying to do in this sections:

“He’s so outspoken.”
But his words seared thru skin
“He’s such a survivor.”
It was I who had to survive him
“But those eyes of solid blue...”
Were always set to wander
“His strong body”
Was always creating friction
Always belonging to some one new
“His hands of labor”
Impaled me with the hollowest touch
“His kiss was danger”
It always kept me in his clutch

But for me it feels abrupt, I would take each of these doubts and expand upon them, turn the, into stanzas of their own, that would give you the chance to really show rather than tell.

I really look forward to seeing where you go with this,

Cheers

Syd
 
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