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Silence of an Indrawn Breath (1 Viewer)

Foxee

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There is a certain quiet
of play and all is well
in that breathless instant
when he tripped and fell

Explorer’s feet so tiny
head an awkward weight
balance so uncertain
bravely testing fate

Then disaster takes him
the footstool it resounds
his head has hit against it
with a knocking sound

One heartbeat, two thud by
building stormy gales
then the silence broken
by “I need Mommy” wails.
 

Immortal

Senior Member
Brings up the image of a baby learning how to walk. The "'I need Mommy' wails" made me chuckle.

Keep poeming...yea...I said it...poeming.
 

Angelica

Member
I love piece!! There aren't enough poems about kids, I don't think. This was just great, I loved it. (And I definately know all too well that the calm usually precedes the head crack!)
 
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Foxee

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Immortal: Thanks! I'm glad the image came accross. More 'poeming' it shall be, then. ;)

J.R.: Thanks for the feedback. I am in terror of them becoming teenagers. LOL!

Angie: I think you're right about there not being enough poems about children. Which is suprising considering what wells of inspiration the guys/gals can be. O:)
 

The Amory Warrior

Senior Member
To be honest, the ryhming seemed to be kinda flowless, but that just might just be me. Anywho, really great poem, nonetheless!

*poeming is power*
 

Foxee

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Thanks Armory Warrior... as I've noted before I'm not really a poet (this is me faking it) but I'd like to learn what I don't know. So if you have any suggestions as to how this could flow better I'd appreciate your input. I'm glad you enjoyed the overall subject. Thanks for replying! :)
 

walrus

Member
Your way with words shines through in this one! As J.R. wrote the second stanza is great! Quite true, a subject matter that isn't poetically explored enough ...run with it! What a muse ...

Enjoyed the read.

:)
 

dannyboy

Friends of WF
do you need that first stanza - seems far more telly than the rest of the poem - otherwise well done.
 

Foxee

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Walrus: I'm glad you enjoyed it. I think I need to check a book on writing poetry out of the library. ;)

Dannyboy: Thanks! You know, rereading it I have to agree...the rest of the poem covers the same ground as the first stanza so I'd feel comfortable losing it. I do this in prose, too... often do a first draft then cut much of the beginning (first paragraph or whole first page sometimes). Thank you for reading this and giving me feedback, DB.
 

slayerofangels

Senior Member
I have little to add that hasn't already been said. First stanza seems slightly extranous but the rest is beautifully worded. Keep it up. Please.

Slayer
 

PAGEMASTER

Senior Member
An enjoyable read. I've reread it a few times and tried to vision this piece without the first stanza, I'm not so sure I agree with others about removing it but meh, what do I know. Either way this poem flowed smoothly, the rhyming was nicely chosen, for someone who hasnt writen poetry this is a great start, keep at it and I'll look forward to your future work.
 

WrittenEscape

Senior Member
I really liked this. I'm not a mom, but you got your emotions and imagery through so clearly I don't need to be to appreciate the poem. Very nice!
 

Due on Maple Street

Senior Member
I really liked it, of course as a parent I know those moments all too well. I thought it was a really strong poem. Its hard to write about kids and not sound cheesy or too schmaltzy. Part of why I don't. You did it really well though.
 

gordon

Senior Member
Danny boy was right the first verse is just lost the rest is a little obvious take away the subject matter and it feels like i,ve heard it all before not great certainly not good as a poem but it held its own as prose.
Diary type words well written without the punch or verse poets require.
 

Foxee

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Wow...I had forgotten I posted this!

Thanks, Pagemaster, Bika, WrittenEscape, and Due on Maple Street for your encouraging words. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

gordon, I'm not sure what you mean by 'take away the subject matter'...I mean, I get the gist that you're talking about purely the wording but I've never tried to divorce the two very much before...it would seem to me that the subject matter would dictate the words chosen. Is that a prose-y way to look at it? I'm not sure what you mean by Diary-type words. Sorry you found it lackluster. Oh well.
 

Cran

Da Boss Emeritus
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Well, I don't know what is or is not poetry ...
and quite frankly, I don't care ...
if I like it, I like it, and the measurements don't matter ...

and Foxee, I like it!

Actually, I even like the first stanza (verse ... whatever)
and would repeat it as a final refrain ...

but I would make one tiny little change:
until that breathless instant
...

or would that be too many syllables? :?
 

Foxee

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Hey, Cran!

Thanks for reading and commenting. Glad you liked the flavor. Your comment reminds me of one I heard that Duke Ellington said of music, "If it sounds good, it IS good!"

Yep! I like "until" and it really doesn't upset the flow (or lack thereof) of anything. Thanks for the suggestion. :)

Hmm..a refrain. That's a thought.

Thanks again.

-Foxee

PS. Your sig line about the cats is a hoot.
 

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