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ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
They say, I am a snake charmer.
Making them dance on my tune.
Or a Pied Piper, leading them where I want them to go,
Or a woman, who wants her beauty to be felt by her lover,
the way she thinks.
I swear, I really wanted that.
But I am sure, I am done with that.
Now I want them, to become fishermen,
With each one having his own, net of sky,
throwing over my ocean.
And I want to be their fish this time,
all trapped, yet so free to enjoy.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I like this, I’ve left a few suggestions in-line below for you,

Cheers

Syd





They say

I am a snake charmer. I’d turn L1 & L2 into one line
Making them dance on my tune of imagination, Phrasing is a little awkward
Or a Pied Piper, leading them to there,
where I want them to go,
Or a woman, who wants her beauty to be felt by her lover, the way she thinks. break this down into lines
I swear, I really wanted that.
But I am sure, I am done with that.
Now I wanna them to become fishermen, wanna makes me think of song lyrics
With each one having his own, net of sky of imagination, throwing over my ocean of imagination.
And I wanna be their fish this time,
all trapped, yet so free to enjoy their imagination. I think imagination is over used in these last few lines
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hello,

I like this, I’ve left a few suggestions in-line below for you,

Cheers

Syd





They say

I am a snake charmer. I’d turn L1 & L2 into one line
Making them dance on my tune of imagination, Phrasing is a little awkward
Or a Pied Piper, leading them to there,
where I want them to go,
Or a woman, who wants her beauty to be felt by her lover, the way she thinks. break this down into lines
I swear, I really wanted that.
But I am sure, I am done with that.
Now I wanna them to become fishermen, wanna makes me think of song lyrics
With each one having his own, net of sky of imagination, throwing over my ocean of imagination.
And I wanna be their fish this time,
all trapped, yet so free to enjoy their imagination. I think imagination is over used in these last few lines

Hi Syd,

I will do the changes, suggested by you.

All thanks.

Ritu
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hello,

I like this, I’ve left a few suggestions in-line below for you,

Cheers

Syd





They say

I am a snake charmer. I’d turn L1 & L2 into one line
Making them dance on my tune of imagination, Phrasing is a little awkward
Or a Pied Piper, leading them to there,
where I want them to go,
Or a woman, who wants her beauty to be felt by her lover, the way she thinks. break this down into lines
I swear, I really wanted that.
But I am sure, I am done with that.
Now I wanna them to become fishermen, wanna makes me think of song lyrics
With each one having his own, net of sky of imagination, throwing over my ocean of imagination.
And I wanna be their fish this time,
all trapped, yet so free to enjoy their imagination. I think imagination is over used in these last few lines

I have incorporated all your suggestions Syd.

Thanks a lot.
Good luck.

Ritu
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
From this, now I could be totally wrong, but I get the feeling of being a woman that does not have trouble getting men wrapped around her finger, but within this experiences, it just seems empty. It seems as if this same woman wants to catch the eye of someone worth wild. That could tame her, but also let her have her freedom. If i'm right, this poem hits home very hard. I've read a bit of your work on here, I think this one is my favorite.

-Annie
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
From this, now I could be totally wrong, but I get the feeling of being a woman that does not have trouble getting men wrapped around her finger, but within this experiences, it just seems empty. It seems as if this same woman wants to catch the eye of someone worth wild. That could tame her, but also let her have her freedom. If i'm right, this poem hits home very hard. I've read a bit of your work on here, I think this one is my favorite.

-Annie

Lovely if you felt so. Actually those lines, take us to multiple themes. The thought with which I wrote, I want to share at this platform is, how a poet, with his/ her writing make readers to behave this way. I mean sometimes he/ she wants her readers to exactly think, what he/she think. That way he/she becomes a snake charmer or pied piper to draw readers to his/ her exact thought. And the other thought is, with poem leading to multiple meanings, he/ she wants to feel and enjoy different ( imagination)interpretation of different readers, like getting trapped in net of multiple meanings. You as a reader gave me the feeling of the second stanza.

Thanks a lot for the read.
Good luck
Ritu
 
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