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short story to screenplay help? (1 Viewer)

S

Shi-oo

I would like for somebody to read this short story. It's about 1,400 words, messy (it's just a rough draft), and to possibly give a few suggestions on what elements I should add as I write a screenplay version (or what elements I should remove). Any help appreciated.

He Sighed

He sighed.

Yes, that is all he could do; for his feelings were too much to express in any real sense. He felt trapped, alone, and incredibly wanting; not necessarily for the freedom which was the issue at hand, but for something terribly illogical:

A mouth with a cheshire cat quality, deep brown eyes underneath devilishly bushy brows, ears that would stick out just a bit too much, and wide shoulders. These are the things he could not stop gazing at. The very things which he was about to be completely lost in.

He woke up, his beyond-shoulder length hair mangled in his face as he scowled at the morning light. Everything as usual really. But then, as he cleared the hair from his face and looked around him, he realized he wasn't in his pathetic and yet familiar little room.

"What the hell?" He gasped, his forehead breaking out in a cold sweat. He jerked as he heard something squeek. The door! He quickly laid back down and attempted to control his breathing. Whatever had him held hostage, whether it be the government or a serial killer rapist, he'd rather them not know that he had awoken.

He waited. Clink clink. Were they getting a test ready? A probe? Were they about to drill into his HEAD?!

"You awake?" a man whispered. He didn't budge. "Fine, be that way; and after I'd brought you breakfast in bed with your beloved iced coffee. God, all I did was talk to her; why won't you believe me? Alice!? Alice, if you don't look at me I'm leaving, right now." So called Alice furrowed his brow and considered as his fear disappated. "Okay! You made your choice!" The man started to stomp away.

"Wait..."

"What?" He stopped.

"Don't go, please." He said as he sat up awkwardly.

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Look; I don't know why I did what I did, but if you give me time... I don't want to be alone. I don't know where I am; hell, I'm not sure if I even know who I am anymore. But I know that I don't want to be alone. If you leave, I'll be lost. Don't go, please; if you ever loved me, don't go." Alice pleaded.

"If I ever loved you! What the hell?! How many times do I have to say the words before you'll believe they're true?" he yelled.

"Okay okay, you love me; now give me that damned iced coffee, and where the hell are my glasses?"

"Your glasses?" he asked as he handed the glass of coffee to him.

"Yeah my glasses!"

"You got corrective surgery years ago; you don't have any glasses," he replied in a baffle.

"Okay well, get me the old pair. That I wore back then. I'm sure they are around here somewhere," Alice sipped at his iced coffee while the man stood there becoming seemingly more and more baffled. "Look-"

"No, you look!" the man interrupted. "I was up til 1 AM last night trying to convince you that I did nothing with Sonya, I barely slept the remainder because I was laying on that god-awful clumpy couch, and now you expect me to sit here and be manipulated into one of your sick little mind games after I tried to bring you breakfast in bed! With iced coffee! Goddamnit! Right up to the fucking iced coffee! No!"

Alice sighed and put the glass down as he stepped out of bed. "I'm not playing a game. I just want to see your face clearly to see if I know-" he stopped himself.

"What?" the man asked in a huff.

"-if I know how to calm you down." he stepped forwards and up to him, and with each step the man's face was slightly less blurred. He was pretty big, wearing a light and unbuttoned summer shirt, shorts, hair was short; and his eyes were dark; so dark and brown and mysteriously deep.

Wide shoulders. Alice gasped and came to a standstill as he realized who his frustrated lover was: The very man of his dreams.

"Lassen!"

"What the hell is wrong with you now?"

"My god! Lassen!"

"What?" he said louder.

"LASSEN!"

"WHAT!?" He screamed.

"I love you!" Alice yelled back as he leaped onto lassen, bringing them both down to the floor.

"What are you trying to kill me now?" Lassen said half-humorously.

"No; never kill you. Never die, never. Love you; my god I love you," Alice said with un-paralleled excitement as he clung.

"Okay okay I believe you! I love you too, just calm down. What is up with you lately? You're a friggin yoyo. Hey! Let GO Jesus!"

"Oh sorry sorry!" Alice got off and stood up with hyperactive swiftness. "Goddamnit! I can't see you well enough! My glasses! Where the hell are they?" he said mostly to himself as he stomped out of the room into the incredibly sized hallway.

"Ah! Jesus Christ is this your house? Damn, you're loaded. Christ, what do you do to live in a place like this?" Alice asked staring all around at the huge portraits lining the walls.

"Ha-ha," Lassen sarcastically laughed as he walked out into the hall with him. "As if an actor of my caliber makes THIS much. God, I still can't believe how much you make off of your portraits."

"Portraits; I did these. And this is you."

"Uh huh," Lassen looked with a strange eye to him. "Been drawing me before you even knew me."

"From the acting?"

"You tell me, you drew it; or painted it rather."

"I can't," Alice admitted.

"Why not?"

"I don't remember." Lassen smiled bitterly and put his hands in his back-pockets.

"You never do. Always avoiding your past. You know, it really isn't right that I never met anybody from before me. Not a sister, not a friend. The only people you've introduced me to are art-leeches out for a buck.

"I'm sorry."

"Now THAT is something you don't hear everyday. You are sorry? My god, let me get the recorder and pull in a video recorder. This should be in a museum it's so rare."

"Oh shut up! ... Bitch," Alice said with playful anger.

"Make me! ... Slut!"

"Whore!"

"Cunt!"

"Penis-breath!"

"Dog fucker!"

"Really, you know about that; do we have a dog handy?"

"Pervert!"

"Oh, but you like me that way." they laughed and Lassen leant forward and snuck a kiss catching Alice off-guard. His heart raced, the feeling so alien and beautiful and gone so quickly. He stared forward blankly waiting for more.

"You okay?"

"No . . . "

"Oh God, what the hell is up with you now?" Lassen rolled his eyes.

"That kiss was much, much too short," Alice said as he hurled himself yet again, only this time latching to Lassen's Cheshire-lips passionately. The warmth of his body, the smoothness of it all: his tongue, his chest; all mixed with the sensation of his little bits of stubble pricking at his chin and cheek, and of the hard bit developing between his legs. The clash was so perfect, the moment too true.

"I love you so damned much," Alice said as they broke away slowly. He then put his face to Lassen's chest and sniffed and clung happily.

"And I love you," Alice could feel his breath on his hair as Lassen spoke the words, like the most powerful gush; blowing away everything wrong and false.

"You love me, how I wish it were true."

"What?" Lassen asked. "I can't hear you." Alice looked up with tears in his eyes to see that Lassen was fading away and that an image of him was taking his place.

"I love you though, that is true." He saw him mouth the words "what" repeatedly, among others undistinguishable, before Alice was once again in his pathetic little room, all alone; staring at the portrait he had just drawn. He moved it quickly so that it wouldn't be ruined any further by the tears that were quickly soaking it.

He looked around and wiped his nose with the back of his hand; looking back down to his portrait. “Yet another portrait of Lassen.” He took tape, put it to each corner of the paper, and stuck it on the wall above his bed alongside dozens of other similar portraits.

And as he stood there looking into the conceived eyes of Lassen he had drawn, he sighed. Though he felt so very much, a rainbow of emotion; all he did was sigh. And until he escaped the prison in which he was trapped, it was all he ever could do.
 
M

mischa

Gosh, I really liked the beginning, you really got me into it. It's interesting to have a guy named Alice and introduce homosexuality (I think). I've read some pretty similar stuff on FanFiction but this is different. You've got mature writing, the only problem is, the plot-line is all over the place, it doesn't quite make sense. After I read that, I had to admit I got lost when I was halfway through and had to read it again, but I think the writing was bold and thumbs up for the effort.

7/10.
 

Pendulum

Senior Member
So was he gay in his dreams or was he a woman? As mischa said, it's a bit confusing. Good writing style though and interesting plot. You'd probably have to add a lot to make it into a screenplay, but it's a good start.
 
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