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Short story about a special lion (1 Viewer)

caters

Senior Member
Genre: fantasy
Audience: all ages

Here is my short story about a lion named Anapumua Moto. The first paragraph gives you an image to start from.

On a cool African morning a lion named Anapumua Moto woke up and started searching for a pride. He has a nice mane that is thick, full, long, and dark. He is also a very healthy lion.

He roared again and again to listen for any nomadic lionesses. He didn’t hear any.

In the afternoon it was hot and Anapumua Moto was sad and in the shade.

A cheetah named Duma came by and said “I heard you roaring. I was scared for a moment but then realized it was you. So I ran towards you as you kept roaring and here I am. Why are you so sad?”

Anapumua Moto said “I have been listening for nomadic lionesses and heard nothing. As you probably already know I am looking to start a pride and thought that nomadic lionesses would be a good place to start.”

Duma asked, “But why not just take over an existing pride?”

Anapumua Moto said “I am a special lion. I don’t have the instinct to kill cubs that aren’t mine. I know it makes other lions sad and so I don’t do it.”

Duma said “Oh, so that is why you are looking for nomadic lionesses. I know of one that is very friendly.”

Anapumua Moto asked “You do? Where?”

Duma said “Follow me. If you get hungry we will have a break.”

Anapumua Moto said “But I am much slower than you. How will I be able to catch up?”

Duma said “Simple. If I get too far for you to see me, let me know and I will let you catch up.”

Anapumua Moto said “Okay. Let’s do this.”

He followed Duma to a nomadic lioness.

Duma said “Look out! A Leopard!”

Anapumua Moto said “Oh, it’s Bella, one of my friends.”

Bella asked “Why are you following Duma? Aren’t you supposed to be roaring and listening for lionesses?”

Anapumua Moto said “Duma knows of a friendly nomadic lioness. He met her when he was a cub. So I have been following him to this lioness. He will even hunt for me if I get hungry.”

Bella said “He will get tired so easily. Why don’t you let me hunt for you? I am after all the princess of stealth.”

Anapumua Moto said “Okay. So Duma will navigate me, you will hunt for me, and then when I find her I will know whether she will be friendly to me or not.”

Bella said “Exactly.”

So Bella and Anapumua Moto traveled side by side.

After a few days he found the lioness.

He said “Hi, What’s your name?”

The lioness said “Hi. I am Nala. Who are you?”

Anapumua Moto said “I am Anapumua Moto. I am very friendly.”

Nala said “I am also very friendly. I assume you are looking for a pride. I can lead you to another lioness.”

Anapumua Moto said “Oh, thank you.”

So Anapumua Moto followed Nala to another lioness. Her name is Kanya.

He now roared to tell everybody that he now had a pride of his own.

A few months later he had cubs. He patrolled his territory. The lionesses hunted and the cubs played.

Because of his friendliness he was able to have a pride for the longest time of any lion. 10 years to be exact.

The pride split into several prides and it happened again and again and again. The friendly lions took over lion territory.


This is one of very few short stories that I wrote. I want to know how I can improve this including the title called Pride Search.
 
Last edited:

popsprocket

Retired Chief Media Manager
I am not really sure what to say here.

What sort of audience is this aimed at? The whole thing is very... simple. The language, structure, and story are almost the sort of thing one might expect to find in a book aimed at young children.

So if that was your aim then I'd say it's executed appropriately.

If that wasn't the aim then I'd have to know who you were writing this for to suggest how it might be improved beyond a small handful of line edits.
 

caters

Senior Member
I am aiming this for more than just children. If it was just for children, I probably wouldn't use nomadic in any sentence. But I am aiming this for all ages just like I do with my novels. It is very easy for one of my short stories to become a novel because that is what I mainly write.
 

Guy Faukes

WF Veterans
It does have the feeling of being a kid's story. I would mention the genre/audience above the work so people know what to anticipate going into it. In terms of formatting, I wouldn't bold the entire story. Simple Arial or NTR always works.

For me, children's work is a bit harder to critique because you tell them one thing and their minds become alight with all sorts of things. Ahh, to be a kid again...

I would say that it suffers from the "and then this happened" way of narrating, where we're given a string of facts of what happens to the lion, rather than these details be integrated into a smooth story. It's not an easy thing to master, but imagine telling someone a story to their face and imagine all the flourishes and connections you make between the points you make.

Also, there is a bit of redundancy in what we're being told or we're being explicitly told something that could be shown instead. For example,
"He has a nice mane that is thick, full, long, and dark. He is also a very healthy lion." You could give us a few more details to show how he's healthy, e.g. strong muscles, brilliant eyes, etc.

I don't mean to come off as too hard on you as writing is a long and difficult process (for most of us). You clearly have imagination and a draft down, which is a big hurdle to have overcome.
 

caters

Senior Member
Yeah it is telly, especially the first paragraph. I could add more to it but then it would easily become a novel about the changes in lion society that result and other predators becoming more friendly to lions. I mainly write novels so a short story is hard for me to write, not so much because of the writing itself but more because it is very easy for a short story in my mind to expand.

As far as the font, I do believe the regular forum font is Arial or something along those lines so I often use bolding for the story and regular text for the rest of the post.

And I very commonly tell in my first draft because that is the way it naturally comes out into my writing.
 

Blade

Creative Area Specialist (Fiction)
WF Veterans
A brief comment on he lions name. I find 'Anapumua Moto' to be rather elaborate and a bit of a mouthful for a story that is written in pretty basic English. All the other characters have short, simple names and I think he should too.:eagerness:
 

hoihoisoi

Senior Member
Rings to me as a good short essay for young children. Since, that's what you're going for, I'd say you probably have accomplished it. The thought put in this piece I feel was simple, which in this day and age is rare. I think I haven't read stories like this in a while and its kind of refreshing actually, how odd. Miss the old days where I explored such books.

But overall, the writing is good and the context seems fine. I have only 2 qualms with this piece and that is for the repetitive use of 'he' at the beginning. But then again, in the context of a young reader, it should hold steady as a solid piece and that part (The use of 'he') can be overlooked. Second qualm I have is the tenses used in the first paragraph. The piece was written in past tense but the description of the lion was present tense. Normally, I'd go with everything just past to iron it out. Probably this was intentional and I'm looking a bit too deeply into it. But other than that, the story holds pretty rock steady as it is as an exploration piece for young readers.

If accompanied with pictures and drawings, the piece would hold even better together.
 

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