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short movie idea (1 Viewer)

D

Dr. E. Wizard

I am writing a movie to make with me and my friends. I am in high school and we are on a limited budget. I wanted to make this not ony for fun but aslo to get some experience directing which is what I want to do. I would love feedback and this is not the completed draft, only about the first quarter. When it is done I can post more if you would like. Thanks in advance.

Zombies!?! 1
Written by Drew Izzard
Story By Drew Izzard and Greg Riddel
A man is walking home late at night. He hears a strange moaning sound, stops for a second, then continues on. After a few more steps he hears it again, louder this time. He starts to walk faster, then after hearing the noise again, starts to run. He turns into an ally then stops, finding it to be a dead end. Horrified, he turns around to see what is after him. He screams.
Cut to title
(Alarm goes off)
Johnny rolls over and shuts off the alarm
. He then walks into the bathroom and proceeds to take a shower and brush his teeth. He gets dressed and walks into the kitchen. He walks off camera and comes back with a chair and some rope. He places the chair under the ceiling fan and ties the rope around his neck. He then ties the other end to a fan blade. He kicks the chair away and falls to the ground.
Johnny: Shit!
(Doorbell rings)
(Johnny walks over to the door and opens it, Robbie walks in.)
Robbie: Hey man, what’s up? The camping trip tonight is gonna be awesome. Hey what’s that around your neck?
Johnny: A noose. I was planning on killing myself today but you interrupted.
Robbie: Well I can leave if you want.
Johnny: No you’re here now, no point in leaving.
Robbie: Cool so does this mean you don’t wanna come tonight?
Johnny: Where?
Robbie: I’ve only been talking about it for the past week. Camping! You, me, Allison, Allison’s friend what’s-her-face, you know the one that has that crush on you.
Johnny: Why would any girl have a crush on me? I can’t even kill myself! I used too much rope.

2
Robbie: We can work on killing you later but tonight my friend, tonight I will get you laid.
Johnny: You really know what’s important in life.
Robbie: Sure do, I sure do. Are you packed yet? The girls will be here soon.
Johnny: Why are we meeting at my place?
Robbie: Because your parents are never here, and they always have lots of booze. I lost my fake I.D.
Johnny: Fine just don’t take to much.
Robbie: You are the man and I promise by tomorrow, you will no longer be a virgin.
Johnny: The last thing on my mind right now is getting laid.

Robbie: Well why the hell is that?

(Doorbell rings)

Robbie: I’ll get the door, you get your shit and some booze
together.

Johnny: Fine but it’s my house shouldn’t I get the door? What if it’s for me?

Robbie: (laughing) Why would it be for you?

(Johnny groans then exits to his room)

(Robbie walks over and opens the door)

Robbie: Hey hottie

Vincent: I believe you want my sister. She’s in the car.

Robbie: Great but why the hell are you here? Don’t you have to go do some chess or something?


Vincent: I’ll have you know chess is a great sport. It involves logic and...
Robbie: I don’t give a damn. Now if you don’t mind I’m gonna go
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dry hump your sister alrighty?
Vincent: Uhhhh
(Robbie walks off)
(Vincent stands in doorway the realizes what Robbie is up to and runs to the car)
Vincent: Stop it! STOP IT!!
(Robbie and Allison are leaning against the car kissing)
Allison: OH come on. We’re just having some fun.
Robbie: Are you gonna watch us all weekend?
Vincent: As a matter of fact I am.
Robbie: (cough) Fuckface (cough)
(Debbie gets out of the car)
Debbie: Yoo-Hoo has anyone seen my darling Johnny?
Robbie: Ya he’s inside, lets head in and get some lunch.
Vincent: Fine but we MUST be on the road at exactly 1:30 sharp.
(Vincent and Debbie go inside)
Robbie: So did your mom make Mr. Fun come to supervise?
Allison: No it was his own idea, my mom even tried to talk him out of coming. He seems not to trust you.
Robbie: Me? I’m nothing but a gentleman and a scholar.
Allison: Says the guy grabbing my ass.
Robbie: You want me to stop?
Allison: No, lets piss off Vincent.
(Robbie and Allison follow)
(Johnny sitting on his bed. He has a bottle of pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other. He chugs the pills then the water. He starts choking, runs to the sink and spits it all out)
4
Johnny: Dammit why can’t I just easily kill myself like a normal person?
(Debbie walks in)
Debbie: Why would anyone want to kill my precious little Johnny?
Johnny: Who the hell are you?
Debbie: Looks like someone is still sleeping.
(Vincent, Robbie and Allison enter)
(Vincent walks over to pill bottle and holds it up)
Vincent: Hey, these are lethal if taken in high doses you should be careful, did you know...
Robbie: No we didn’t and could care less. But it turns out my pal Johnny has decided he hates his life and wants to be put out of his misery.
Debbie: (shrieks) He will do no such thing as long as I’m around!
(Debbie runs over and hugs him)
Johnny: Seriously, I have no idea who you are would you please release me of your vicelike grip?
Allison: Johnny you’ve met Debbie a million times. She’s in your science, math, history and english classes, you eat lunch with her every day...
Vincent: You girls eat LUNCH with these two...two...weirdos? I will have know such thing!!
Robbie: Everyone just calm down. Johnny side note?
(Robbie takes Johnny off to the side)
Robbie: Now it doesn’t matter if you know her or not, you think she’s pretty hot right?
(Robbie and Jimmy look at Debbie, where she is placing herself in various positions)
Johnny: YA I guess she’s not bad looking, but she’s a little...perky.
5
Robbie: You know what they say about perky girls don’t you?
Johnny: No? What?
Robbie: They are wild in the...
Vincent: What in gods name are these?
Allison: They’re condoms! And what the hell are you doing looking through my purse!?!
Vincent: Well erm...shouldn’t you be waiting to have umm (looks around then whispers) sex until your wedding night?
Robbie: Guy no one does that anymore except my man Johnny but tonight should fix that. Unless, you aren’t... a virgin are you?
Vincent: As a matter of fact I am. Not that its any of your business.
Robbie: But your eighteen. I thought for sure you at least nailed some nerdy science chick.
Vincent: I’ll have you know the only thing I’ve nailed, as you so crudely stated, in my life is a nail with a hammer. And that didn’t go over too well, father was furious.
Allison: Not this story again! ‘Ohhh daddy doesn’t love me, im not man enough for him’ just shut up, you shouldn’t even be here!
Robbie: BURN!
Johnny: Guys, your being kinda mean to this guy, even if he is a virgin...(smiling) How old did you say you were again? 18? (Starts to laugh)
Robbie: Hey you made Johnny boy smile, You deserve a hug c’mere.
Vincent: Get away from me you vile creature.
(Vincent runs off, followed by Robbie)
Allison: So Johnny, now that you’ve "properly" met Debbie you think you wanna fuck her?
Debbie: Ally! But ya do you?
Johnny: I don’t know I just woke up today planning to kill myself and now I’m being asked to go camping and have sex with some
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crazy girl. I just don’t know what to do.
Allison: Well at least come camping with us ok?
Johnny: Fine, maybe I can find a really sharp stick to stab myself with.
Debbie: YAY JOHNNY’S COMING YAY JOHNNY’S COMING!!!!!
Robbie: (yells from offstage) That’s what she said!
Vincent: (also yelling) You are a disgusting person.
Allison: I’m hungry. Hey Johnny you got anything to eat?
Johnny: Ya I think so, check the fridge.
Debbie: I’m hungry to, Johnny lets go make me some lunch.
(Debbie pulls Johnny towards the kitchen. Allison follows)
(Robbie and Vincent are sitting in the kitchen with a dictionary between them, Johnny, Debbie and Allison enter)
Vincent: One: a corpse supposedly brought to life by a supernatural power, two: a supernatural power or force by which the dead may be endowed with a capacity for mute trance-like action somewhat resembling life, three: a very stupid, lethargic person a.k.a. you
Robbie: Oww you burned me.
Vincent: And four: a drink of several kinds of rum, fruit juice, sugar and brandy.
Robbie: ok.....what does snath mean?
Vincent: A snath is the long wooden handle of a scythe.
Allison: What re you two doing?
Robbie: Your brother is the smartest person ever. Did you know there was a drink called a zombie? Or that snath is a word?
Johnny: Uhhh no but I do know this kid obviously has too much time on his hands.
Vincent: Says the kid who can’t even kill himself.
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Johnny: You wanna fight me? Right here right now!
Debbie: Everybody stop!!! We’re all friends here, well maybe not
Vincent but we should still be nice to him.
Vincent: Debbie, that’s so sweet.
Allison: She’s not your type.
Vincent: But I love her.
(Silence)
(Robbie walks over to the fridge)
Robbie: Who want’s sandwiches?
Vincent: I LOVE SANDWICHES!!
Allison: It’s true, I once saw him take a ham sandwich up to his room, when he came down he had this far off look in his eye, he saw smiling creepy too. I think he...
Johnny: Just another reason for me to want to kill myself.
Debbie: What about me?
Johnny: Well you...um....your nice you ......have boobs? And that’s good?
Robbie: Way to go, once you start thinking of girls like that, it’s a lot easier to get some.
(Allison glares at him)
Robbie: I’ll be....right back
(Robbie runs out of kitchen)
Vincent: I don’t know how you can stand that guy. He’s such a bum hole.
Johnny: Did you just say...bum hole?
Allison: you’ll have to excuse him, he doesn’t swear, or drink, or smoke, or lie...
(Five minutes later)
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Allison: Or date, or be late, or eat unhealthy...
Debbie: Weirdo
(Debbie giggles and starts to hug Johnny)
Johnny: For the love of god id there anything you do do?
Vincent: (with sandwich in mouth) I eat sandwiches.
Allison: He also pisses me off. Where did Robbie go?
(Robbie runs in)
Robbie: I (pant) got (pant) you (pant) these.
(Robbie holds up flowers)
Allison: My god, you are just the sweetest.
(Robbie and Allison kiss)
Vincent, Johnny and Debbie: Awww...EWWWW
Vincent: Excuse me.
(Vincent runs to bathroom)
Johnny: There goes my apatite.
Debbie: Why can’t we do things like that Johnny.
Johnny: I respect you and myself too much to do that. Ever.
(Vincent walks back in)
Vincent: We need to go now if we ever plan to get there before dark. The traffic will be horrendous and my god are those two still going at it?
(Robbie and Allison stop)
Robbie: Well my goal is complete. I got Vincent to say ‘god’
Allison: I feel so used
Robbie: Well I could use you some more if you want.

9
Johnny: NO! No more, not in my kitchen. We are leaving now and if you don’t wanna come fine but stop grossing everyone the fuck out.
Robbie: Relax. We’ll stop.

Debbie: Johnny you’re my hero, making these bad people stop.
Allison: You guys suck. Just because we feel the need to show are love for each other doesn’t mean...
Robbie: Love?
(Everyone starts to walk outside towards the car)
Allison: Yes we love each other stupid.
Robbie: Since when.
Debbie: Uh oh.
(Robbie and Allison argue. In the bushes there is a rustling)
Johnny: Stop you two, where is everyone?
Debbie: It’s so quiet.
Vincent: It’s nothing lets just get in the caAHHH!!
(Summer jumps out of the bushes yelling)
Summer: AHHHHHHHHH!
Debbie: AHHHHHHHHHH!
Johnny: AHHHHHHHH!
Allison: AHHHHHHHH!
Robbie: AHHHHHHHHH!
Johnny: EVERYONE STOP SCREAMING!
Vincent: Thank you that was bothering my sensitive ears.
Robbie: So why is some freak dressed in black jumping out at us and scaring the shit out of the girl I love?
Allison: You love me?
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Robbie: I realized that I do.
Debbie: Are you two gonna start making out again?
Summer: Hello! Doesn’t anyone care why I just jumped out at you.
Robbie: Well I did but then I figured it was nothing good.
Johnny: I care.
Debbie: That’s why I love you Johnny, you care.
Summer: You pathetic humans disgust me. I was here to warn you of the incoming forces of darkness that will soon consume the land but nooo no one listen to the person who’s here to save your ASS!
Allison: So you really love me?
Lily: AGHHHH!
Vincent: Exactly, someone who understands. These children don’t care about anything but themselves. I care about your warning ummm sorry I didn’t get your name.
Summer: It’s Summer and you?
Vincent: Vincent. I’ve put myself in charge of these....things, at least for the weekend.
Summer: So would that mean you don’t wanna go get some coffee?
Johnny: Hey what about your forces of darkness?
Summer: Oh I say that to everyone. I’m new here and that’s how I meet people.
Allison: By jumping out of a bush and scaring them?
Summer: Yup and I thought you were cute. (Directed at Vincent)
Robbie: So what your saying is that everything is normal and nothing bad will happen to us on our camping trip?
Summer: Yup.
Robbie: If crazy goth says so then it’s good enough for me. Everyone in the car.
11
Vincent: Can Summer come? I mean if she want’s too.
Johnny: NO!!
Vincent: I hate you.
Summer: Don’t worry Vincent, I have the feeling we may be together sooner then you think.
Vincent: Wait.
(Vincent hugs Summer)
Summer: Goodbye Vincent.
(Summer walks away)
Vincent: That was the first time I ever touched a girl.
Robbie: See Johnny? If our pal Vince can overcome his uhhh thing then you can forget about killing yourself and do Debbie.
Vincent: Don’t you feel bad about the way Robbie talks about you?
Debbie: (Giggles) I am very do-able.
Allison: Can we go now? I feel like we’ve spent way too much time getting ready!
Robbie: Let’s do it. This’ll be a trip to remember.
(they get in and drive off)
(Zombies come from around the corner. They head down the road where the group went. A car comes from behind them and honks)
Driver: Crazy kids!!
 

Linton Robinson

Senior Member
What's up, Doc? Look, if you are going to make a film, you are the producer and director so it doesn't matter if your script sucks or is brilliant. You can do whatever you want, and can carry it off or not. So I'm not going to pick over your story.

Format, on the other hand, is God's gift to anal critiquers. Again, you're writing this for yourself, so it doesn't matter how it looks. But it's really not in a script format. So what? Well, for one thing it's easier for actors to read a properly formatted script. And for you.

But also, if you want to put this up for review on sites, I'd recommend you go to sites where people specialize in scripts. I could be wrong, but I don't think there's anybody here who's really majorly qualified on screenplays. I'm the closest to that, probably. (If not...send a PM... we should chat)
And if you post this on screenwriting sites they are just going to pick at the format and you won't get any other information.

Besides, why not learn how to format a script? It's a skill, right? Napolean Dynamite sez, Chicks like skills. So there you go.

First, and most blatantly, the whole thing is not indented and set up right. The characters names should be centered and above the dialog. (Part of that easy to read thing) And much more. There are guides to formatting all over the web. The good news is: there are programs to do that for you so you don't have to count spaces and all. No need to shell out a few hundred for Final Draft of whatever, there are free templates that allow you to use WP programs like Word for Windows, so you can start right in.
Here's a search that shows scads of them. There are also free-standing scriptwriting programs for free.
http://www.google.com/search?q=free...s=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a

So you can go through in a half hour and change this to a "real-looking" script.

Which brings us around to the writing. YOu have written this like a story or telling somebody what's going on. Scripts aren't like that, they use a stilted language. There's a reason for most of it.

Lots of it is just, what people expect a script to read like: but reveiwers will cut you down for saying "A man is walking home late at night." Instead of

EXT: City Street - Night
A man walks alone.

Now not using "is" is just convention. But you should use INT/EXT slugs just because you should :) The big problem, believe it or not, is the word "home". And here's why. We see a guy walking on the screen. How do we know where he's going? Get it?
You should only be writing down what the audience can either see on the screen or hear on the soundtrack. THe actors are not going to able to handle. "He moves quickly, thinking about his job and the blank angst of human existance."

This is important to you AS A DIRECTOR. And as a writer because it forces you to think in terms of what's on the screen, which is how you have to think to write for films.

Once again, it doesn't matter for your production, but it does matter for script design, that you learn how to describe and to introduce characters when they show up. Sure, you're going "He looks like Tommy" because Tommy is going to be playing Robbie. But you should be writing something like, "ROBBIE enters, Johnny's age but bigger and tougher looking." or some such.

A new setting... "Johnny enters the bathroom, typical adolescent male swamp, posters of Goth groups on the wall, black light, disgusting appliances." You are only stating what is essential. If you move the shoot to Tommy's house because your mom said to get those hoodlum Tarantino wannabes out of her rec room, you won;t have to change it. Or if Coppola calls up says he's seen the script and wants to shoot it in Florida, see what I mean?

Here's what I'd suggest. Format this thing from FADE IN: to FADE OUT: (totally useless tags, but you gotta have em to show it to anybody) Then start working on the writing. Shorter sentences, less transitions like "then" just the facts, maam.
Copy it and pass it around. It will get chicks hot. WOrk with your pals (oops, crew) to improve the script and make it flow. Consider posting it on some writing sites absolute write, search for yahoo screenwriting groups, search google for sript critique. When you think it's perfect, sign up on Triggerstreet.com and find out different. They have areas for posting short stuff AND they allow you to post short films for critique, so once it's in the can, you can put it there. They have some actual writers on that site, and a lot of wannabees who know a lot of stuff. (And of course, a lot of ignorant idiots)

You don't really need to do this to make your film. But I think you will find that going through this, rubbing shoulders on the web with guys who are into it, will make it end up as a better film. Save me a seat at Cannes.

One other thing. If you don't have the budget for film or the gear to go digital to DVD take a look at movies or moviestorm games, which allow you to make little movies that look like Grand Theft Auto and such. THen you can put them on Youtube or Movies site. This might be the wave of the future, actually.

Good luck with this, sport.
 
D

Dr. E. Wizard

thanks so much. I guess i've got some work to do. I've only written some short stroys before so I kinda just jumped right in not thinking too much abuot format. I just knew you hade to use the font courier new size 12. thanks again for the help. If u don't mind i may pm u if i need more help. im kinda busy rite now to find another site.
 

Linton Robinson

Senior Member
Oh yeah...very important. The way to learn what scripts are like is to read scripts. Search web for free downloads of screenplays...but also if you are on triggerstreet you end up seeing other people's scripts.

Meanwhile, dig this:

Code:
Johnny places the chair under the ceiling fan and ties the
rope around his neck. He ties the other end to a fan blade.
He kicks the chair away.

The rope breaks, dropping him to the floor.
                      
                      JOHNNY
          Shit!

The doorbell rings. Johnny gets up, brushes off, moves to
open the door.

It’s ROBBIE, Johnny’s age, but even more of a slacker,
pierced and punked-out.
                      
                      ROBBIE
          Hey man, what’s up? The camping
          trip tonight is gonna be awesome.

He finally notices his friend has a noose around his neck.
                      
                      ROBBIE
          Hey, what’s on your neck, dude?
                      
                      JOHNNY
          Duh, a noose.  I was hanging myself
          before you interrupted.
                      
                      ROBBIE
          Well, I can leave if you want.
                      
                      JOHNNY
                (Shrugs)
          Nah, you’re here.  What the hell?
                      
                      ROBBIE
          Cool.
                (Beat)
          So does this mean you don’t wanna
          come tonight?
                      
                      JOHNNY
          Come where?
                      
                      ROBBIE
          Camping, dumbass!  What we’ve geen
          talking about for weeks.  You, me
          Allison, Allison’s hot friend
          that’s maybe craving your bod.
                      
                      JOHNNY
          Who would crave me?  I can’t even
          hang myself without fucking up.
 

twitch

Member
It's good besides one flaw.

Vincent: Says the kid who can’t even kill himself.
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Johnny: You wanna fight me? Right here right now!


Why would you want to fight your best friend over one comment.
 
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