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She (1 Viewer)

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
She doesn’t want you to tell her she is beautiful, Compliments cage.
They are vacant and full of inaction.
eye contact and the air
of your warm breath down her neck
is what her soul needs.
Grab her by the hips,
pull her close like you fucking mean it
and never let her go.

J.
 
Last edited:

AnnieJay

Senior Member
She doesn’t want you to tell her she is Beautiful, Compliments cage.
They are vacant and full of inaction.
Eye contact and the air of your warm breath, down her Neck is what her soul needs.
Grab her by the hips,
Pull her close like you fucking mean it
And never let her go.

J.

I appreciate the truth and honesty in this. Those first two lines really pulled me in. Thanks for sharing!

-AnnieJay
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Like previous commentators I appreciate the earnest honesty of this piece, you have created a strong moment for the reader to share in. For me, I would have a play with the lineation. The longer lines feel somewhat arbitrary, I would suggest breaking them down. This would help no end in improving the flow of the piece.

Can I also ask about the capitalisation of Compliments in L1 and Neck in L3, is there a specific purpose for this?

Really looking forward to seeing this develop

Cheers

Syd
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Hello,

Like previous commentators I appreciate the earnest honesty of this piece, you have created a strong moment for the reader to share in. For me, I would have a play with the lineation. The longer lines feel somewhat arbitrary, I would suggest breaking them down. This would help no end in improving the flow of the piece.

Can I also ask about the capitalisation of Compliments in L1 and Neck in L3, is there a specific purpose for this?

Really looking forward to seeing this develop

Cheers

Syd

Hi,
The capitalisation was an error in editing, thank you, I am grateful for your input.
I understand what you mean about the longer line.
Thank you.

J.
 
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