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She Sings to Me (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
She sings to me a melody
Her enchanting voice bids me come
She tells me that though I can’t see
It is with her that I belong

I hear her haunting sounds at night
Her soft song soothes my wounded soul
Her beauty takes my will to fight
I long to surrender control

When I’m lost and filled with fear
The darkness sings her songs for me
When I feel like no one is there
I hear her call to set me free

She woos me with words of freedom
I ache to leave the world behind
She sings to me songs of freedom
She is the peace I hope to find

Hi Happy
I don't know whether I am interpreting it right, but I felt like voice of conscience, recurring in conscious mind as some melody, to keep my heart intact in that.
Just loved the imagery and the rhythm.

Ritu
 

TheMightyAz

Staff member
Mentor
Do you read your poems out loud or in your head? If you do read out loud, I'd recommend reading those last two stanzas a few times and then taking that same voice and applying it to the first two stanzas. Good stuff, man.

She sings to me a melody
Her enchanting voice bids me come <- I felt a hop here, like the needle of a record jumping. 'Her voice, enchanting, bids me come' perhaps.
She tells me that though I can’t see <- try 'cannot'. Try removing 'that' to see if it works.
It is with her that I belong

I hear her haunting sounds at night
Her soft song soothes my wounded soul <- Lovely sounding line. you could argue it's a tiny bit cliched, but I like it!
Her beauty takes my will to fight
I long to surrender control <- a tad short and under the beat I think. It drops when I feel is should rise proudly, emphatically.

When I’m lost and filled with fear
The darkness sings her songs for me
When I feel like no one is there
I hear her call to set me free

She woos me with words of freedom
I ache to leave the world behind
She sings to me songs of freedom
She is the peace I hope to find
 
Last edited:
Do you read your poems out loud or in your head? If you do read out loud, I'd recommend reading those last two stanzas a few times and then taking that same voice and applying it to the first two stanzas. Good stuff, man.

Thank you so much for your critique.

I see what you mean...

I tried typing line two in the way you suggested, I think the word the 'enchanting' is just choppy.

I changed the third line, it does work a lot better. thanks

I'm not sure how to make the last line in the 2nd stanza "rise"...I don't know what that means...

I generally read in my head...when I do try to read it out loud, I guess it force it...

Oh, did you mean 'man' generally or specifically, cuz I'm not a guy. So, does this change the meaning of the poem for you? Did you think it was a romantic poem and then thought I was a guy?

That's funny.

Very grateful for your time, kind sir.
 
Hi Happy
I don't know whether I am interpreting it right, but I felt like voice of conscience, recurring in conscious mind as some melody, to keep my heart intact in that.
Just loved the imagery and the rhythm.

Ritu

Hi Ritu,

Thank you for reading and I'm glad you liked it.

I never looked at the poem as representing the conscience before. Interesting. Now, I am rereading it through your eyes.
 

TheMightyAz

Staff member
Mentor
Thank you so much for your critique.

I see what you mean...

I tried typing line two in the way you suggested, I think the word the 'enchanting' is just choppy.

I changed the third line, it does work a lot better. thanks

I'm not sure how to make the last line in the 2nd stanza "rise"...I don't know what that means...

I generally read in my head...when I do try to read it out loud, I guess it force it...

Oh, did you mean 'man' generally or specifically, cuz I'm not a guy. So, does this change the meaning of the poem for you? Did you think it was a romantic poem and then thought I was a guy?

That's funny.

Very grateful for your time, kind sir.

Naaa, it was just a general 'man' and not a suggestion of your sex. Now I know for certain though, which is good and maybe save my embarrassment at some later date. I think enchanted works if you rearrange it the way I suggested:

She sings to me a melody
Her voice, enchanted, bids me come
She tells me though I cannot see
It is with her that I belong

I actually like that a lot. Enchanted becomes the central standout for line two. When I say 'rise', I just mean it dwindles off instead of building grandeur.
 
Naaa, it was just a general 'man' and not a suggestion of your sex. Now I know for certain though, which is good and maybe save my embarrassment at some later date. I think enchanted works if you rearrange it the way I suggested:

She sings to me a melody
Her voice, enchanted, bids me come
She tells me though I cannot see
It is with her that I belong

I actually like that a lot. Enchanted becomes the central standout for line two. When I say 'rise', I just mean it dwindles off instead of building grandeur.

Okay, I changed it.

Do I need a more emphatic sounding word to build grandeur or is that I need a more powerful ending for that verse altogether?
 

TheMightyAz

Staff member
Mentor
Okay, I changed it.

Do I need a more emphatic sounding word to build grandeur or is that I need a more powerful ending for that verse altogether?

Not really no. Just a stronger, more powerful rhythm should do it. I don't mind rearranging some things or even suggesting an alternative word but I'm loath to change something myself completely. I'll take a look and see.

I hear her haunting sounds at night
Her soft song soothes my wounded soul
Her beauty takes my will to fight
And aspire to surrender control <- this forces the rhythm to highlight 'surrender control', rather than dipping.

It's also a pity you've used 'freedom' twice. Couldn't you replace the first one with 'wisdom'?

She sings to me a melody
Her voice, enchanted, bids me come
She tells me though I cannot see
It is with her that I belong

I hear her haunting song at night <- moved 'song' here so I could smooth the next line.
Her softness soothes my wounded soul <- changed to 'softness' to make it smoother.
Her beauty takes my will to fight
And aspire to surrender control <- I'm not entirely happy with this even though the rhythm is better. Try to mirror the rhythm of the second stanza.

When I’m lost and filled with fear
The darkness sings her songs for me
When I feel like no one is there
I hear her call to set me free

She woos me with words of wisdom
I ache to leave the world behind
She sings to me songs of freedom
She is the peace I hope to find
 
Last edited:
Not really no. Just a stronger, more powerful rhythm should do it. I don't mind rearranging some things or even suggesting an alternative word but I'm loath to change something myself completely. I'll take a look and see.

I hear her haunting sounds at night
Her soft song soothes my wounded soul
Her beauty takes my will to fight
And aspire to surrender control <- this forces the rhythm to highlight 'surrender control', rather than dipping.

It's also a pity you've used 'freedom' twice. Couldn't you replace the first one with 'wisdom'?

She sings to me a melody
Her voice, enchanted, bids me come
She tells me though I cannot see
It is with her that I belong

I hear her haunting song at night <- moved 'song' here so I could smooth the next line.
Her softness soothes my wounded soul <- changed to 'softness' to make it smoother.
Her beauty takes my will to fight
And aspire to surrender control <- I'm not entirely happy with this even though the rhythm is better. Try to mirror the rhythm of the second stanza.

When I’m lost and filled with fear
The darkness sings her songs for me
When I feel like no one is there
I hear her call to set me free

She woos me with words of wisdom
I ache to leave the world behind
She sings to me songs of freedom
She is the peace I hope to find

I think I see some of what you are trying to show me.

I feel like aspire and wisdom do not fit the theme I was aiming for. Aspire is a strong sounding word and the speaker is to weak to aspire to anything(even to aspire to surrender control)... Words of wisdom could not woo the speaker...freedom was used twice, I think, to say this is what the speaker truly wants. I don't know if I explained that right. Maybe other words...hmmm...

Thank you for your effort. Truly appreciate it. I'll study this draft because I should know at least some of these technical things and I want to understand what you're trying to teach me.
 

TheMightyAz

Staff member
Mentor
I think I see some of what you are trying to show me.

I feel like aspire and wisdom do not fit the theme I was aiming for. Aspire is a strong sounding word and the speaker is to weak to aspire to anything(even to aspire to surrender control)... Words of wisdom could not woo the speaker...freedom was used twice, I think, to say this is what the speaker truly wants. I don't know if I explained that right. Maybe other words...hmmm...

Thank you for your effort. Truly appreciate it. I'll study this draft because I should know at least some of these technical things and I want to understand what you're trying to teach me.

I'm only giving pointers hopefully. The last thing I want to do is change the meaning of the poem or interfere too much with your style. :)
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi Ritu,

Thank you for reading and I'm glad you liked it.

I never looked at the poem as representing the conscience before. Interesting. Now, I am rereading it through your eyes.

Hi Happy,
You need not agree with me at all, if you don't get that feeling. But I must say, do try thar experience of reading your own poem, with perception of a different reader, I mean it in itself is an experimental thing.
Good luck
Ritu
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
Hi There!
Thank you for sharing your work with us! The last stanza gave me such an eerie feeling that I absolutely loved. It gave me the image of a soft song that gives you calmness when all that your surrounded by is your own internal chaos.
Great job.

-Annie
 
Hi There!
Thank you for sharing your work with us! The last stanza gave me such an eerie feeling that I absolutely loved. It gave me the image of a soft song that gives you calmness when all that your surrounded by is your own internal chaos.
Great job.

-Annie

Thank you so much. Appreciate you sharing your response to the poem.
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
She sings to me a melody
Her voice, enchanted, bids me come
She tells me though I cannot see
It is with her that I belong

I hear her haunting sounds at night
Her soft song soothes my wounded soul
Her beauty takes my will to fight
I long to surrender control

When I’m lost and filled with fear
The darkness sings her songs for me
When I feel like no one is there
I hear her call to set me free

She woos me with words of freedom
I ache to leave the world behind
She sings to me songs of freedom
She is the peace I hope to find

Hello,

These are absolutely beautiful words
Just lovely.
I also just had a thought of a song that goes perfect with this poem.
Have you seen Carnival Row the tv series.
The song is Lora lie low.
Thank you.

J.
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Thank you so much for your critique.

I see what you mean...

I tried typing line two in the way you suggested, I think the word the 'enchanting' is just choppy.

I changed the third line, it does work a lot better. thanks

I'm not sure how to make the last line in the 2nd stanza "rise"...I don't know what that means...

I generally read in my head...when I do try to read it out loud, I guess it force it...

Oh, did you mean 'man' generally or specifically, cuz I'm not a guy. So, does this change the meaning of the poem for you? Did you think it was a romantic poem and then thought I was a guy?

That's funny.

Very grateful for your time, kind sir.

Enchanting reply [emoji108]

J.
 
Hello,

These are absolutely beautiful words
Just lovely.
I also just had a thought of a song that goes perfect with this poem.
Have you seen Carnival Row the tv series.
The song is Lora lie low.
Thank you.

J.


Thank you.

No, I've never seen the show or heard of the song. Perhaps I'll look it up.
 
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