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Shanghai Island (Part 1) (YA/Adventure/Bit of Romace/Bullying) (1 Viewer)


Senior Member

So got this idea from many outlets, and it fell together nicley I think as far as story. It will be told from both points of view to show inner conflict and growth of the two main characters. Pretty much, it's about a boy that has always been bullied being stuck with a girl that hates him for no good reason. They go on a class trip and end up getting kidnapped. When they attempted to escape, they crash on an island. Many events later, they get along (Somewhat).

After Part 1 (I am not doing chapters, as the Parts are sepearted by ***), I included the outline of how the rest of the book will flow. Again, anything that you can think to get the reader emotionally interested and attached would be appreciated. There will other minor plot builders not noted, but tried to list key points.

Part 1 is a bit of an introduction, some bullying, and part of the trip before things go wrong (It's always wrong for Charley). Part 2 will go into there day on the town and eventual kindapping (Shanghaied) and crash on the island.

Thank you and enjoy (What there is of it)!

Shanghai Island

A question that many have been asked is, “If you were trapped on a deserted island, who would you want to be stuck with?”

A month ago, Charley Shares wouldn’t have chosen Evelyn Tosh. Likewise, Evelyn wouldn’t have been caught dead being anywhere close to Charley, let alone an island.

If there was anyone to truly blame for either of them getting along, it would be Evelyn. Ever since she laid eyes on the fragile boy in leg braces back in elementary school, everything about him just annoyed her. It wasn’t that he was mean to her, in fact Charley made several attempts to speak with Evelyn when they were younger, even giving her an extra lollipop in her Valentine’s card. But something inside Evelyn just didn't like Charley, and she could never figure out what. As she explained it to her friends, “It’s just there.”

For Charley, he never had a problem with Evelyn, at least not at first. He had a crush on her when he first was introduced to his third grade class when he had transferred in. He tried to talk with her, but Evelyn would either ignore him or tease him until he ran off crying. It wasn’t his fault he was a “Tin Man” or looked like “Forest Gump”. After several attempts, he just gave up trying, and focused more on avoiding her.

Charley was born with Scoliosis, which in fact had nothing to do with his legs, but rather his back. He was forced into leg braces by the age of four to help straighten his back, and luckily he got the “okay” from the doctors just before his fourteenth that he no longer had to wear them. He had been brace-free for almost two years; things were supposed to have changed. He was supposed to fit in as there was no other reason for others to outcast him or pick on him. That wasn’t the case, however, as the cruelty of the high school kids continued with Evelyn right alongside them.

It’s not that he didn’t have any friends; just that they are not the ones that would have your back when you needed them most.

Charley looked at the bright side of things though. He had another year and a half of High School and then he could start over somewhere completely new. He may even get a girlfriend. He dreamed of the day when he would walk into his class reunion as a rich, successful businessman with a beautiful wife on his arm. Dreams. That’s all he had to look forward too.
The key was to stay low, not make a scene, pass all his classes, and then he would be free. Unfortunately, his parents forced him to come on this stupid class trip to China. Charley insisted that he had no interest in China, and would rather stay home for the summer, but they told him it would be a great experience and that he could make some friends. In reality, Charley wanted to go to China, just not with the people who would go out of their way to make his life miserable.

As usual, Charley lost the fight and has been trapped in a large tin can for almost fifteen hours as they approach their destination of Shanghai Hongqiao International Airport.

Charley knew the trip was fated for disaster as soon as he boarded the plane. First of all he was stuck in the middle seat at the rear of the plane, right next to the restrooms. If you have ever been on an international flight then you know that using the bathroom is a must, so Charley had the most unfortunate pleasure of watching - and smelling- close to a hundred people pass by to relieve themselves. If that wasn’t bad enough, he was sandwiched between two elderly Chinese men who smelled liked they hadn’t bathed in months. The smell of body odor, oil, and rotting fish are smells that will be forever branded into his nostrils. Just for the sake of complication, the man in the window seat continuously picked his nose and flung the particles any place he deemed fit, which meant on Charley’s feet. It amazed him that the man could get so much out. By the end of the trip, he had several grey and green booger balls that had been caught in the creases of his pants. The man that had the aisle seat was much more respectful as far as his bodily functions, but he went through a five pound bag of sunflower seeds in a single flight. The combination of mashed nuts and sour breath nicely complimented the smell of the bathroom and the body odor, but in a way it was the worst of them all. The man would split the shells into the small plastic beverage cups, and wouldn’t let the flight attendants take them. The cups were packed with shells and spit that erupted with a sickening stench from the slightest movement. Finally, the man needed to relieve himself so he threw away his cups of shell on his way to the bathroom. This gave Charley hope that the man was finally done with his eight hour snack, but was disappointed when the man returned with four empty cups, and preceded to finish off the half eaten bag. It wasn’t until a few moments ago when they announced over the intercom that w would be landing shortly that the man finally handed off his cups to the flight attendant and proceeded to take a nap.
At the other end of the plane, Evelyn was wide awake and ready to go when the groggy pilot came over the speaker announcing their arrival to Shanghai. Her parents had paid extra so she could fly first class, and it was well worth it. She felt bad for her friends who were stuck in business class, though. She had been anticipating this trip for months, and it was off to a fantastic start. The flight attendant gave Evelyn two bottles of Jack Daniels each time she ordered a ginger ale. It must have been habit by the flight attendant, but Evelyn didn’t complain. As she received each bottle of liquor she would stash them in her back pack. Evelyn thinks that she has about twelve bottles total. When she had figured out that the flight attendant didn’t seem to be paying attention or caring, she began ordering more drinks to stock up. The only downside was the frequent visits to the restrooms, but first class restrooms were always empty. She had never drank before, but since this was her big vacation away from home, she thought maybe her and her friends could put these bottles to some good use once they get to their hotels.

Evelyn returned her seat to its upright position, like instructed, and peered out the glass window as the plane began to descend towards the earth. She could see hundreds of tiny cars lining the roads that appeared to be at a standstill, but it was too hard to tell from this far up. She watched as tall building came into view. One she recognized as the Pearl Tower and another that resembled a sword. She made a mental note to find out what building that was when they landed. Evelyn had always had a passion for architecture and had always dreamed to go visit all of the ancient building and landmarks, especially in China. No one knew of her Evelyn’s interest in architecture, and that’s because she wants it that way. Architecture is not for “cool” people, and she had an image to keep. When she elected to take drafting back during her freshman year at school, she played it off like they had forced her to take the class. This year when she elected to take Drafting II, she made a whole scene to convince people that the school was out to get her.

She peeled herself from the window and began cramming her Kindle, iPad, iTouch, a China Guide book, earphones, her laptop, digital camera, makeup bag, pocket translator, and a half eaten snickers bar into her bag and placed it under the seat in front of her. She knew she was about to have the time of her life.
By the time Charley exited the plane the rest of his fellow classmates were already out of sight, which would normally not bother him, but being in a foreign place alone was much worse than being called a few names. Luckily all the signs were in both English and Chinese, so he had no trouble finding his way to the baggage claim and the rest of the class all running around excitedly. No wonder Americans get a bad rap. Charley walked over to the far end of the conveyer belt trying to avoid all the people. Unfortunately, the side he chose was the side the luggage came in from, so Charley was crowded by Chinese men in business suits that smelled of smoke and must. Not many things annoy Charley, but people being impatient really rub him the wrong way.

No sooner than that thought left his head, Evelyn sprints past Charley and whacks him with her pull along carry on without even a look back. She shoves two Chinese men apart and grabs her large red suitcase covered with tags that read “Overweight”. But wait, there one more, this time even bigger. Amazingly she was able to cleverly - which surprised Charley greatly - attached all three luggage together like a train and pull them all at once. This time Charley made sure to stay out of her path as rejoined her friends.

No surprise to Charley, his luggage comes last. In addition to his backpack that he carried on with him, he brought along a large suitcase weighing exactly fifty pounds, and a smaller duffle bag that contained his folded leg braces. He cursed under his breath at his parents for making him bring them. But what was done was done, and he was too tired to fret over the little things. The rest of the group had already began to huddle with the chaperones, who were probably doing a head count.

His assumptions were right, and his stomach knotted as he approached. Calling his name usually resulted in a string of insults and laughter.

“Charley!” Mrs. Hewitt, a short plum lady dressed designer - knock off - clothes called.

“Wait! Do you mean Charley as in Charley Whitmore or Charley as in Charley Gump?” a girl says with an evil smirk. By the sounds of the screechy voice, it was one of Evelyn’s BFF’s, Summer.

There was an eruption of laughter and faces turning towards Charley. He could feel his face get red, but he tried to play it off.

“I’m here either way,” Charley spoke with a dry, shaky voice.

“Yeah, and the normal Charley is here too,” Charley Whitmore added, followed by another wave of giggle from the class.

“Forrest - I mean Charley Shares,” Mrs. Hewitt said trying to suppress her own laughter. “You will be on the first bus. Try to keep up this time.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Charley replied in a low voice.

It wasn’t a secret that the teachers of Rowling High School knew that Charley had been in leg braces, even though none of them had actually seen him in them. Word travels fast when a majority of the teachers had nothing better to do all day than watch and listen to kids insult each other like a TV drama.

After the giggling had dissipated Mrs. Hewitt finished calling roll and splitting the class into two groups to board the busses that would take them to their hotel.

The bus trip was uneventful, which was fine by Charley as he watched the city skyline grow as they approached. It was already beginning to get dark, which made Charley grateful. He hadn’t been able to get any sleep on the flight, and it was evident from the loud chatter going on around him that everyone else was well rested. He was ready for a hot shower and bed, and was grateful that he didn’t have to share a room with anyone. They had the option to bunk up to save a little money, and he made sure his parents didn’t read that part.
The bus ride for Evelyn was spectacular. She was lucky enough to be with the rest of her friends and was able to secure the back of the bus for themselves. There, she opened her bag and showed the bottles of Jack to her giggling friends.

“I can’t believe she gave you all those!” Summer exclaimed in a hushed voice.

“Yeah,” Evelyn agreed. “I don’t think she cared. She must have been dumped by the pilot or something; you know how them fly boys get.”

“Let’s open one now,” Jessica said as she began to reach for one of the small bottles.

“No!” Evelyn snapped as she pulled the bag away. She looked around to see anyone had been watching them, but everyone was too fixated at the stunning skyline of Shanghai. “Let’s wait until we’re someplace a bit more private.”

Jessica let out a sigh and the rest of the girls laughed with excitement.

After what seemed like an hour, they finally reached the Marriot Shanghai Luwan hotel. The gray stone and tinted glass shimmered and reflected the light from the full moon. As the bus pulled up and the class started to exit, they were greeted by young men dressed in red bell hop suits who offered assistance with their luggage. Many of the kids were scared to let someone in a foreign country touched their stuff, and equally confused on how they would tip the service. Is it included?

Evelyn didn’t mind the help, and wrangled down the first person she could spot to take her bags. The man, not much taller than her, appeared to be in his late teens.
His English was good, which didn't suprise her.

She had spent the months leading up to the trip watching every documentary and reading as many books about the places they were visiting in China. She even was able to get her parents to go to a few of the traditional restaurants in markets during Christmas when they were in New York City visiting family. She forced down things that made her parents cringe, and she enjoyed every bit of it. Under her cute exterior, she actually enjoyed adventure and trying new things. What are nasty to one person are the bread and butter for another. Granted, there are things she would never touch, let alone eat, such as insect or anything that was alive within the past hour.

The young man escorted her as the rest fumbled with their luggage and complained about their legs being asleep. She was first to the counter, and checked herself in. Her parents insisted they would feel more comfortable if she not share a room, so they paid a little extra. Despite pretending like she doesn’t care or that she is brave, she was relieved not to be sharing a room with someone that she wasn’t comfortable with. She wouldn’t have mind if they were allowed to choose who they would buck with, but they said that wasn’t the point of this trip.

The hotels entrance welcoming and Evelyn was taken aback by the amount of marble that surrounded her. The elegant design of the stairwell to her left and the smells of the restaurant directly behind it made her feel like a millionaire. A place like this back in the states would set you back four or five hundred dollars easily. Here, it probably was probably more like one-hundred and fifty dollars.

When they arrive at the counter, Evelyn fishes out a wad of cash and hands the bell hop a ten dollar bill.

“Sorry,” Evelyn says. “I don’t have any of your money.”

“No, no,no,” the young man ensured her with several slight bows. “This esa gooda. Thanka’ you.”

“Thank you, too,” Evelyn replied with a pleasant smile. “Your English is really good. Keep at it!”

“Uhhh…” the bell hope thought out loud, clearly not understanding what she had just said. “Yes. Uhh…Thanka you.”

Several bows later he walked away towards the wave of students stumbling over luggage trying to be first at the check-in counter. Evelyn smiles to herself and thinks about how clever she is. She checks in and is already on her way to the elevator before the rest of the class even makes it to the counter.
Charley waits until all of the students exit the bus fight for their luggage before he decides to depart. What he has learned over the many years of literally being bullied is to be last. If you are first, you attract attention, and people will want to walk all over you to show how much better they are and how much you suck. If you’re last, you are simply not disappointed. The old turtle and the hare story is what he lives his life based on. Besides, he did online check in, and since he was alone, Charley didn’t have to wait for a roommate before approaching the counter.

By the time Charley stepped out of the bus, his luggage was the only that remained as the students fought to control their own luggage and track down their roommates. He grabbed his luggage and began to walk towards the counter. Luckily, he only had to wait about five minutes before it was his turn. It was just in time too, as it seemed everyone now found their bunk buddies and were barreling towards where Charley stood. Charley grabbed his room key and luggage and made a b-line towards the nearest elevator. He turned only when he reached the elevator and witnessed an unorganized mess of student shoving to get to the front of the line. The more rowdy in students in the back were jumping up and running in circles, yelling, “We in China!”, “Where them girls at!”, and “I want some Ramen!”

A Chinese couple stood next to him at the elevator also watching the American circus. The woman leaned over and whispered something to her husband, glancing at Charley and rolling her eyes. It never fails, he is always being negatively judged. The man just grunts and gives Charley a hard stare. Charley tries to pretend he doesn’t notice the man that looks like he is about to honor kill him, by staring at the golden stool that turned out to be a trash can.
Evelyn let herself fall backwards on the king bed after she entered her river-view room. Despite her naps on the flight, she was surprised how exhausted she was all of a sudden.

“Jet lag,” she mumbled to herself. “Guess the drinks will have to wait until tomorrow night.”

She forced herself to her feet and stuck her luggage in the small closet provided.
“Dang it!” she fumed. She had forgotten to take out her tooth brush and face cream, but she was just too tired to retrieve them. “Oh-well.”

She kicked off her blue skinny jeans towards the window and unclasping her bra and dropping it to the ground. She climbs into bed and resembles a cat that curls up among the heavy down comforter.
Charley entered his room and felt around for the light switch, and managed to turn on the bathroom lights.

“That’s fine,” he mumbled to himself, just wanting to get in the room and away from the herd that would soon be whooping and hollering down the hallways any minute now.

As the door closes, he’s surprised to see that he has a window view and a river view at that. He leaves his luggage at the door, stripping off his shirt that smelled of sunflower seeds and through it on top of his luggage. There was no need to unpack; they would be leaving tomorrow anyways. He walks towards the window to admire the view when his foot snags something.

Charley reaches down, fumbling in the dark to unwrap the elastic band around his foot. He brings the foamy-elastic thing to his face and slowly realizes as his eyes adjust to the darkness that what he’s holding is a pink bra decorated in silver hearts.

“What the…” he mumbled to himself as he sat on the bed. Crazy people, he thought.
Charley went from confused to having a heart attack when a light flickered on.

He blinked his eyes to adjust, not realizing the bed covers begin to withdraw, and barely having the time to ask himself what was going on when an ear piercing scream filled the air. It took him a few seconds to realize the scream was coming from behind him, and he swung around to see Evelyn wide eyed and pushing herself up the headboard with her legs, hands still clutched to the down comforters.

“Uhh…Um…The…” Charley stuttered, trying to process what was going on. “The key…”

“YOU!” Evelyn’s face went from frightened to murder mode in an instant once she realized it was Charley.

“The key,” Charley tried to explain with his eyes more than his words. He kept glancing at the key card in his hand, then to the door, then finally up to Evelyn. Evelyn had dropped the sheets and was standing on the bed like a giant; her fists clenched tight and ready to lunge. He didn’t know what came over him, but for a second he looked up and studied every detail about the fuming girl, most notably the absence of her bra that was still in his other hand. He looked down at the bra and held it up to her.

Evelyn looked down to her chest, which was by no means bare as she still had her t-shirt on but still left little to the imagination. In on fluid swoop, she bent down and snatched up the phone on the desk beside her and held it over her head with one hand, the other covering her chest.

“STOP LOOKING AT ME!” she shouted, aiming the phone at Charley’s face. “GET OUT!”

“I - I’m sorry. The key…” Charley’s eyes darted to the door again and held up his key card. Then he made the mistake of looking at Evelyn’s figure again.

Evelyn chucked the phone and Charley braced for impact. Luck was finally on his side as the power and phone lines caught the device almost as soon as it left her hand.

Evelyn let out a growl of frustration as she lunged off the bed towards Charley’s throat.

In this split second, Charley was very well capable of taking one step in either direction, but he knew if he did then it would have been very likely that she would slam headfirst into the desk behind him. All he needed was to be convicted of murder in a foreign country. So he did the next best thing. He opened his arms as if he was going to give her a big hug and catches her.

They stumble back as he tried to keep her from collapsing, which he maybe should have done. Evelyn recovered quickly, her hands appearing from nowhere, gripping him around the throat.

“I SAID GET OUT!” she screams again, pushed down on Charley’s neck causing him to bend back over the desk.

Charley tightened his neck and tried to gently push her back, which seemed to make her even madder. He realized that he was more fondling her than pushing, and after a guy giggle in his mind, he began to slide to the side to get unpinned.

There was a sudden nock at the door, followed by a man saying something Charley wasn’t able to understand. Charley looked at Evelyn in the face to see her reaction, but it mustn’t have registered in her blood lust.

Charley lost his balanced and slid to the side, slightly twisting his body for some odd reason so Evelyn would fall on top of him. It was amazing that he cared enough that he didn’t want her to get hurt, even with her trying to strangle him.


Charley landed hard on his back and started to push himself back to the door when Evelyn thrust all her wait onto him, pinning his right arm to the ground with her leg. She raised her fist and Charley pulled his free arm over his face in defense.

There was a pause and Charley looked up to see Evelyn frozen looking forward. The first thing that Charley noticed was her bra had somehow ended up around his arm. He then followed her gaze to the door, which now stood wide open with a short young man dressed in a bellhop uniform.

“Uhh…” The man bowed. “So, sorry. We a’madea’ a’mistakea’. This is nota’ your rooms. Uhh…Please come to front desk please.”

The man looked uncomfortable, and Charley realized what this most look like. The man gave several more bows, not making eye contact. Behind the bellhop, students began to file past in the hallway, a few stopping gawking at the scene on the floor.

“Way to go Forrest!” a boy shouted, giving him thumbs up as his buddy snaps a quick picture with his phone.

Evelyn pushes herself off of Charley and dives into bathroom, sliding the door with such force the picture frames were nearly flung off their nails.

The bellhop backed up and let the door slowly close behind him, the giggles and loud shouting still could be heard. Charley could hear “Forrest”, “Make-out”, "Evelyn”, and even an “I got a picture!” come from the rowdy students.

Charley let out a heavy sigh, and tried to be optimistic. If the others thought that he actually had a chance with Evelyn, maybe they would treat him a bit different, or at very least treat her with less respect. The optimism was short lived when he began to fret over being charged with sexual harassment. Evelyn cut his thoughts short when she finally spoke up in an intense, threatening voice, “Get your stuff and get out. You tell anyone about this and I will kill you.”

Charley pushed himself up and unwound the bra from around his arm, hanging it on the bathroom door handle with care. He gathered his bags and opened the door, poking his head out to see if it was safe.

“Sorry,” he mumbled to her, not knowing fully what for since it wasn’t his fault, but that the way he was always taught to treat a lady. Even if it isn’t your fault, apologize.

He took a step into the hallway and closed the doors carefully, trying to avoid any more attention. Charley began to make his way towards the elevator, trying to convince himself this trip couldn’t get any worse.
· Charley & Evelyn (Assigned as buddies) spend the day in Shanghai (Charley tortured by Evelyn)

· Both forgot to turn watches back. (They were warned to set clocks back at hotel. Evelyn missed because she throws a fit. Charley goes to bathroom.)

· Miss the bus back to hotel. They were supposed to be on a flight. Evelyn had thrown away contact info in her rage before the left hotel. After a few hours, find their way back to hotel.

· Class already left. Tried to explain to hotel clerk. Clerk says he understands (Lies, and calls slavers).

· Slavers pick them up and tell them they will be taking them to the destination.

· They board small one engine plane. Charley says they shouldn’t Evelyn makes fun of him and says he can stay.

· They both bored, and Charley notices they are flying north instead of south. Pilot ignores him. When Charley moves forward to get a better view, another man pushed him down. Man mocks him and said he has just been “Shanghaied”. Charley pushes forward. In the fight, steering controls get damaged and they started to spin out of control.

· Plane crashes on island. Charley and Evelyn survive. No injuries.

· They survive, but fight a lot. Evelyn begins to regret treating Charley badly, but cannot let herself admit it. They slowly begin to work together.

· Charley catches Evelyn on her phone “talking” with someone. The hone was dead and Evelyn breaks down, letting Charley comfort her.

· Next day, trying not to appear weak, Evelyn insults Charley.

· The kidnappers find the island to recover the plain and its cargo (drugs).

· The kidnappers spot Charley and Evelyn and try to catch them. They were able to fend them off with use from guns from crash. Kidnappers flee, but not before dumping fuel over the island near Charley and Evelyn, then lighting a fire.

· In the flee, Charley falls trying to help Evelyn escape. He is knocked unconscious and is barely breathing. Evelyn breaks down and begins to tell him she was sorry and that she needed him. She tries to move him but is scared that he has broken bones.

· Charley wakes up the second night, with bits and pieces of memory when he was unconscious. Evelyn tries to hold back her feelings. She mentions that they were probably going to miss prom, and jokes she probably was to small now for her dress. Charley said he wasn’t going to go anyways.

· Charley tells her that he wants to try and get off the island, that the kidnappers may come back. They build a single person raft out of the old plane, and were able to get just enough charge on their phones from the battery to make a call if they get within range of a cell tower.

· Charley leaves, and tells her that if he makes it off and gets them rescued, she will owe him. She agrees and he leaves.

· A plane spots Evelyn and rescues her. The rescuers asked where Charley was, and she became frantic, telling them they needed to fly around and find him. They were low on fuel, and brought her back to Shanghai and sent home.

· After 2 weeks, there was no word that Charley was found. Evelyn, trying to be strong, but still distraught, decides to push herself to go to prom.

· At the prom, her date, which was a prick, kept making fun of Charley. Evelyn slaps him, and there was a commotion. Everyone, instead of the scene Evelyn made, was cheering as Charley entered the room on crutched. People were high fiving him and hugging him like he was a hero.

· Evelyn walks over, emotions held tight, not to look weak, and asked when he got back. After an awkward moment of small chat, Charley admitted/joked that he had thought about what he should be owed from Evelyn if he made it back. He said he thought a dance would be pretty funny, but in the crutches he didn’t think he would make it, and didn’t want to put her through the embarrassment. Instead he requests that she “try” and not pick on him.

· Evelyn breaks down, and admits that she was horrible to him and asks for his forgiveness. She told him he was a real friend and that she would dance with him, but not because she “owed” him. They walk to the dance floor, and he tries to dance with the crutches. She tells him to let go of the crutches and trust her. She supports him as they dance.
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Red Heron

Senior Member
Spotted some nits to pick. Just tense issues.

It’s not that he didn’t have any friends; just that they are not the ones that would have your back when you needed them most.

He opened his arms as if he was going to give her a big hug and
catches her.

pushes herself off of Charley and dives into bathroom, sliding the door with such force the picture frames were nearly flung off their nails.

Structure and flow is good otherwise, so the read was easy and enjoyable. A good intro. I particularly liked the "guy giggle", that made me laugh. The scene you have planned for the end, where Evelyn supports Charley as they dance sounds like it will be awesome.


Senior Member
Thanks for the feedback! So I think this one is worth pursueing. I have three other books in the works, all with a similiar violent theme, one of which is the sequal to the book in my sig.

Shanghai Island is a bit different from anything I have ever written. It's not original by any means, but I wanted to show a sort of two extremes. Touch on bullying. A bit of romance. Just enough action and suspense to keep you reading. Something believable. Something you can easily turn frm a book into a movie. This is the two main characters stories, told from both points of view, not so much the island and surviving.

Plus, a majority of readers are young females, so I think this would be an easy book to market.


Senior Member
Well, I added a small section to the end of Part 1, and began on Part 2. Below is the new parts.

Any feedback will be appreciated. How do the characters make you feel? What do they seem like to you? Do you see any changes or weaknesses? Strengths?

Part 1 (Continued)


Evelyn was silent, clutching a hairdryer as a makeshift weapon, listening to make sure the creep had really left. After a few minutes of no sounds coming from the other side of the bathroom door, she set down her weapon and slid the door open an inch and glanced out. Then another inch, then something fell to the ground, causing her heart to leap into her throat. Her bra lay on the floor, reminding her again that she had just been visually raped.

She cautiously bent down and grabbed her bra and slid it under her shirt. Moments later she poked the top half of her body through the doorway and scanned what she could of the room to ensure it was clear. She spotted her pants across the room and slid out of the bathroom, tip toeing towards her new target. After a few steps, she felt confident that she was alone and made haste in retrieving her jeans and sliding them on.

She replaced the phone and took a seat on the bed. She wanted to give Charley time to get his room so she didn’t have to see him again. Just the thought of it made her hot with anger. She closed her eyes and told herself that she shouldn’t be mad at him, even though it is so easy to do. It wasn’t his fault, it was the hotels. But it WAS his fault for staring.

Yeah, maybe she over reacted, but who wouldn’t when you wake up with a bare-chested man holding your bra is standing at the foot of your bed? Her face flushed again at the thought of his chest. It took her a moment to register who it was initially.

She cleared her throat and shook the thoughts from her head. There would be no thoughts of that weirdo, especially with no clothing.

“It’s over now,” Evelyn reassured herself as she rocked off the bed and onto her feet.

She slipped on her clean, white sneakers and pulled her luggage from the closet. After the chore of snapping each piece together in a train, she swung the door open, poking her head out to ensure there weren’t any shirtless boys, or anyone else for that matter. She was done with people for the day. The halls were clear, and the hotel seemed to be at piece for the first time since she had been there.

“It’s all uphill from here,” Evelyn whispered to herself. Being positive is something she had learned from her mother, along with never trust boys.

Part 2

Charley woke the next morning sore and hungry. Not a good combination at all. He lay in bed for a few moments, trying to remember if what happened last night was some crazy dream or indeed reality. He rubbed his neck, and felt a slight burning sensation from the gladiator grip of the crazed girl.

He moaned to himself, partly about having to face the almost certain barrage of insults and taunts of the students over last night’s incident. The other part was having to face Evelyn again, and hopefully not the police.

He staggered to his feet, dizzy from hunger. In almost an instant he had forgotten about what happened last night and was now focused on his mission - find food. He pulled some clothes from his bag that was still at the entrance of his room, carefully placed against the door so no one would “mistakenly” enter his room. A quick shower later he was ready to go. He placed the little bars of soap, and the recently used shampoo, lotion, body wash, conditioner, and mouth wash bottles supplied by the hotel in his bag. He had no idea if the other places would be so luxurious.

He tried to remember what the chaperone had said last night on the bus about meeting in the morning. To meet at 9am in the lobby he recalls. He glances over at the clock radio next to the bed, and the red digits displayed 7:12. Plenty of time for breakfast.

He pushed his luggage and leg brace bag to the side, cursing under his breath at the metal contraption, and opened the door. To his surprise, it was pretty busy in the hallways, with workers in red suits carrying stacks of tray, men and women of different ethnicities in business suits, and of course the American students sprinting down the hallways towards the elevator.

He let the door close behind him after tapping his pocket to make sure he had his room card. So far so good.


All Evelyn could see in her dreams was Charley, shirtless and walking around in his mechanical legs all night. Why she dreamed it, she didn’t know. But what made her mad, mostly at herself really, is why on earth did she not wake up from such a night mare? Other than that, she slept very well, exhausted from kicking that boys butt.

She was awake by 5am, which was fine for her since she had pretty up for the beginning of her grand adventure. She had already planned to take hundreds of pictures, and she needed to look perfect. Who knows when she would have this chance again anyways?

In reality, she had to do very little to pretty up. Her blonde hair after a good shower and brushing would naturally settle into her trademark waves. Most times she keeps her hair in a pony tail for more informal occasions, such as school, but for important moments and church, she wears it down. Yes, Evelyn loved her hair.

She need very little makeup, only putting on a light coat of lip balm to make her full red lips glimmer, and just a dab of eye shadow to make her grey eyes even more piercing.

It was about 6:30am according to the clock before she left the room in a blue sundress and high heels. She didn’t wonder until she was halfway down the hall is if what she was wearing was even appropriate. She decided not to worry and play “dumb tourist”.

The restaurant was mostly empty, only a few people in business suits and a few people she recognized sat with plates full of both exotic and familiar foods. Her stomach began to claw at the smell of the made to order noodles and eggs. She felt guilty to begin without her friends, but she didn’t even know what rooms they were in. She then felt guilty that she didn’t even wait for them last night. It would have probably been different if she had.

Evelyn grabbed a plate and began loading it full of the usuals such as ham, bacon, and home fries. The buffet then began to cater more to locals with salted duck eggs, noodle soups, dumplings, soggy rice, steamed buns, and other things she simply didn’t have room for.

She passed up a few more tables of pastries, fruits, cereals, and juices. She grabbed a glass and poured herself some grapefruit juice and looked around the populous seating area. She decided to sit against the window not far from the entrance, hoping her friends would spot her whenever they came down.

Evelyn had just finished up the familiar foods, and was about to begin sampling some of the more exotic offering that she had procured when she spotted a group of her friends enter the dining area. They looked refreshed and in high spirits. They weren’t the smartest bunch, but she could always look for them when she needed cheering up. She waved at the group of girls, Jessica spotting her and nudging Summer who stood next to her. Summer glanced over and the girls began to laugh and continued walking to the buffet.

For a second, Evelyn felt a tug at her heart and tears burn her eyes. She felt nervous. Judged. She shook her head and told herself not to think anything of it; not to read people the wrong way. They were probably upset that she had started without them.

Evelyn nibbled on a piece of bacon, glancing up to her friends as they moved across the buffet, holding up different foods and making faces and laughing hysterically. She felt both jealous not being included, but at the same annoyed by their ignorance.

Finally, they reached the end of the massive buffet, plates loaded with nothing but some fruit and bacon, grabbed their juices and began to migrate towards their seats. Their seats, however, were not with Evelyn.


Red Heron

Senior Member
Quality of writing is still up to par, besides minor grammar issues. Part 2 is a bit bland compared to 1, but it's shorter, and I imagine they're getting kidnapped soon.


Senior Member
I may take out the first section with Charley waking up in Part 2. Nothing really accomplished. Will leave Evelyn waking up, as it shows that she is not immune to being hurt.

There is a little ways to go before they get kidnapped. I have a whole seen of their disfunct exploration of China. After that they get taken and the real fun begins.

BTW, I have watched Survivor, Bear Grills (sp?), Dual Survival, and Survivor Man as "research". Well, as far as surviving, not emotional.

Red Heron

Senior Member
Have you considered posting this in the workshop? My critical eye is rather untrained, and I think it deserves the attention!

Also, if you want more "research material", try Man, Woman, Wild. It's similar to Survivor Man and Man Vs. Wild, except it's a husband and wife team(Edit: Which actually makes it more like Dual Survivor, I'd just never seen that show before). Also, Stephen King's "The Girl who Loved Tom Gordon" is an excellent little read.
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