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Sentence on the edge of possible. (1 Viewer)

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Puellamagi

Senior Member
I have this combination of words:

The nature would take its toll: time would turn off the Beacon. Of course, it would, to be cruel with the artificial thing, not like to the Abyss, which existed on its own.

I am interested int he last sentence, can you read it nicely or it is heavy?
 

Olly Buckle

Mentor
Patron
'The nature' strikes me as a translated construct, we would simply say 'Nature would take it's toll'. I don't know the context, but maybe 'independently' rather than 'on its own'

PS "nicely or heavy', consider 'Does it read well, or is it awkward?'
 

druid12000

Senior Member
It's heavy or, as Olly says, awkward. To be honest, I'm not really sure what you're trying to say with the last sentence.
 

Llyralen

Senior Member
The nature would take its toll

This is understood The colon indicates that Nature taking its toll means time turning off the Beacon. Is that correct to understand?

Of course, it would, to be cruel with the artificial thing,

This is not clear, it would probably be helped by replacing the pronoun. Do you mean Time would be cruel with something artificial but not cruel to the Abyss which did not have to be crafted by that people?

not like to the Abyss, which existed on its own.



I’d re-write it making sure to just really sculpt that concept clearly and replace the ambiguity of “it” by revisiting the actual noun. “Of course Time would...” or “Of course Nature would”. If Nature is also a personified force. You got this! Cool! :)
 
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