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Senryu 7 (1 Viewer)

PiP

Staff member
Co-Owner
I think this is probably more haiku rather than senryu?


tequila sunrise
autumn colours in a glass -
nature served with ice.




Not sure if the turn is okay.
 

TL Murphy

Met3 Member
Staff member
Chief Mentor
Carol, to me your turns are not quite turned. There is a lineal progression from line 2 to line 3 instead of an antithesis. In other words, line 3 is supporting line 2 with a deeper description instead of showing its shadow. Part of the problem is that “nature” is abstract, not specific, and ice is just another ingredient in the glass.

A stronger turn would be something like:

tequila sunrise

autumn colours in a glass -
old dirt on the floor.


Another trick in haiku is to refer to the season without naming it.

tequila sunrise​
coloured leaves in a glass -​
old dirt on the floor.

And line one is a cliche since the song is so well known, so:

second tequila​
coloured leaves in a glass -​
old dirt on the floor.​
 

rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
I like your piece, but a purist would agree with TJ - I write many of my haiku's the way you just did knowing they are not true - More like short poetry with a haiku spin. A variation of sorts. But a more fitting haiku or senryu (yours is about seasons) is as Tj states- always think cut- shadow of snapshot. Below is a variation of your piece


tequila sunrise
swirling leaves on the rocks-
penny in the mud
 

PiP

Staff member
Co-Owner
Thanks, Tim. I believe I am struggling with the meaning of antithesis. I understand that ice is just another ingredient in the glass but my mind is struggling with 'old dirt on mud floor'. Sorry to be so dense. :oops:

Carol, to me your turns are not quite turned. There is a lineal progression from line 2 to line 3 instead of an antithesis. In other words, line 3 is supporting line 2 with a deeper description instead of showing its shadow. Part of the problem is that “nature” is abstract, not specific, and ice is just another ingredient in the glass.

Just focusing on the turn
tequila sunrise (okay cliche aside as I've never heard of the song only the cocktail)
autumn colours in a glass -
pubs now close at ten

tequila sunrise
autumn colours in a glass -
the dams are dry
 

PiP

Staff member
Co-Owner
More like short poetry with a haiku spin. A variation of sorts. But a more fitting haiku or senryu (yours is about seasons) is as Tj states- always think cut- shadow of snapshot. Below is a variation of your piece

shadow or snapshot - that's interesting never considered this idea.

I think my comment referring to haiku may have been a red herring as the poem was about a cocktail: Tequila sunrise

tequila sunrise
swirling leaves on the rocks-
penny in the mud

so the above example is good for haiku but takes it away from the original intent. Sorry that was my fault

tequila sunrise
autumn colours in a glass -
penny for your thoughts
 

rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
ah but tequila comes in three colors- clear, brown or golden- . When you wrote ''tequila sunrise' I thought it represented an autumn sky using autumn as a seasonal wordn in the second line and tequila sunrise - to me it clearly sounded like a haiku. That's how I saw it and did the rewording that way. Sometime the writers intention turns out to be different to the reader.

But now that I know your intention as did TJ "old dirt on the floor" was a good shadow word for the cut

I picture a shack with a bottle of tequila on the table and dried leaves on the dirt streaked floor --

either way your new version is not as salty as TJ's but has a romantic edge. .

in a bar drinking tequila with a special friend wondering what he'/she is thinking about-hoping it about him/her.

these are how I interpret these, while others will have a totally different view no matter what the original intention is or was.
 

TL Murphy

Met3 Member
Staff member
Chief Mentor
I thought the song came before the cocktail but I looked it up and the cocktail came first, from Phoenix Arizona in the 1930s. So the poem refers to the drink. The song is by the Eagles on the Desperado Album 1973. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws-YqUcD0LY The drink had a rebirth in the 70s due to the popularity of the song.
 
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