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Senryu 4 (1 Viewer)

rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
I like the first one-- it pops-the last line is a feast day of imagery. I envision modern day pirates ransacking and killing it's crew,(no message in the bottle) calling for help(S.O.S. Mayday). The pirates then blew up the ship and left (rats abandon ship)

Now this is real good senryu. Now here's my little nit-and it's a little one but a purist would say -balance(separation) where's the equal balance between cuts--SOS indicates a ship is in trouble-and rats abandon ship is very closely related. A purist would say it needs to be related ( not a sledgehammer but a butterfly net) but not too closely - distantly -- but that is real nitpicking and this one has power

The second one doesn't work. Now rats in the bottle has many different undertones and meanings while (friends abandon ship has one. This is very very very closely related. And too mundane I might add, it doesn't resonate.

here's a example of distance (separation) but still related

a walk in the park...
wandering lost and alone
no one knows my name

this is an old one of mine --- is related but at a distance

great job

note: excuse me I made a mistake- friends abandon ship has many layers to it- and the c balance is distant if you view it not literally like I did - sorry this is real real good- now I like them both equally- I got to learn to read and contemplate before I go off
 

TL Murphy

Met3 Member
Staff member
Chief Mentor
It’s interesting that the two versions produce very different feelings. The second is much more subtle. The Mayday call comes at the end, after realization has set in. So it’s a very different kind of emergency. The second also relies more on metaphor, which is apparently verboten in haiku but not in senryu. Personally, I see metaphor in everything, so I don’t really believe that haiku avoids it.
 

PiP

Staff member
Co-Owner
Thanks, Tim and bob

I like the first one-- it pops-the last line is a feast day of imagery. I envision modern day pirates ransacking and killing it's crew,(no message in the bottle) calling for help(S.O.S. Mayday). The pirates then blew up the ship and left (rats abandon ship)
Bob, I love your quirky imagination!



I also wanted to experiment by changing the position of the 'cut' as part of the learning process. I can't remember who told me but I was left with the impression that the cut could be at the end of the first line or the second. Is this correct?

yes

sorry I went on your post forgive this old coot but the answer is yes 1st and second line
 
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PiP

Staff member
Co-Owner
The second also relies more on metaphor, which is apparently verboten in haiku but not in senryu. Personally, I see metaphor in everything, so I don’t really believe that haiku avoids it.

This is why I can't study both forms at the same time. I need to get a clear handle on Senryu before attempting Haiku as they are like apples and organges.
 

JoTheOtter

Senior Member
So we have two ideas, which are the same, but approached differently:

One is personal
And is urgent

One is impersonal
And because of that, feels even more urgent.

Both show some form of "horror" to me, especially with the phrase "abandon ship." You have the rats, and then you have the friends: They both show the relationship of the writer of the SOS signal to his crew, and that they are loosing their ship quickly. Obviously, the "S.O.S Mayday" at the beginning or the ending expresses a level of urgency. At the beginning, it's extremely urgent, and at the end it is less so. They're both extremely urgent, but to lesser degrees when it comes to the context.

Have you consider that imaginative plot of these two "captains" coming together in the same place? There is a story that can be written here in those two little points of information. Hell, you can even begin the story as a description of how these two signals bounced from one ship to another, eventually ending in some dramatic way in a newspaper stating "Similar, but different messages come to the same ship!".

Because both of these messages came to the same ship to me in my own imagination. And to me, this is a conflict of a crew's humanistic nervousness of survival and following their captain.

There's a lot you can expand on this. Please do so.
 

rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
Thanks, Tim and bob


Bob, I love your quirky imagination!



I also wanted to experiment by changing the position of the 'cut' as part of the learning process. I can't remember who told me but I was left with the impression that the cut could be at the end of the first line or the second. Is this correct?

yes

sorry I went on your post forgive this old coot but the answer is yes 1st and second line

the answer is yes- went on your post instead of mine instead of hitting reply with quote I hit edit-
 
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