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Self Amusement Therapy (1 Viewer)



Hi, this is my first post ever. Just some of the ramblings that go on in my head. I would appreciate constructive critisism. thanks.
SAT Self Amusement Therapy

I go to the Hogwash School for Lunacy and Recklessness; aka Life. Mine is a curriculum consisting of job ads, depression and self-employment. I have a double minor in self destruction and delinquency and a little Hydrocodone for good measure and a double major in stubbornness and confusion. My story really isn’t all that exciting. I mainly make it up as I go along, creating characters for my own amusement. I’m going crazy the old fashioned way… boredom. I have a part time job, I am self-employed on a part time basis, I’m perpetually broke slightly overweight, single and most days that’s just fine by me. Ok it’s not but I don’t have time for that now. I’ve found that because I can’t afford therapy, nor do I actually know if I need it, I sometimes get confused between delusion and boredom, I’ve decided to therapy or therapize myself.
It’s a new technique I’ve invented and am practising on myself. It’s called Self Amusement Therapy aka SAT. SAT came about as a coping mechanism during another mindless counterproductive meeting at my part time job. I work part time at a bank, I hate every second of it. I’m not sure what I do there only that I go to meetings, get a paycheque and get treated like crap. And so, I’m in a meeting thinking about what a colossal waste of time this is, how nothing ever actually get accomplished and how I’ll never get this time back and rather than planning my funeral, like I normally do I started planning my managers funeral. I thought, “Why should I have to die? Let him die for a change”. For some reason, unlike other times when I wanted to throw the stapler at him and kill him, planning a funeral for him made him more human to me… less of an idiot but someone who was loved by others. Ok, he was still and idiot and an ass, but he was somebody’s idiot and ass. I got as far as the eulogy that his wife was making when I was interrupted by Loony Toon asking me why I was crying. I said it was the corporate video we were watching, something about the CEO of a major bank talking about teamwork gets me very emotional.
After the meeting I went to the cafeteria to get a tea. I’m not a coffee drinker but I think that my tea consumption supports the entire tea industry. Essentially I’m a tea snob. I like plain caffeinated tea. Nothing fancy, milk and sugar. No sweatner cause its artificial stuff that will kill you. And no fruity herbal imitation tea. If I’m in the mood for anything herbal it has to real tea leaves like lemon verbena, sage or mint. No herbal tea bags. I’m also partial to smoking some herbs, but that’s’ another chapter.
Standing filling my mug with hot water I realised that my contempt for my boss was greatly diminished after attending his “funeral”. I guess making someone human rather than a complete moron works. And so SAT was born. It takes on other forms as well, some co-workers don’t deserve to be made to be humans with real emotions (I also sometimes just make up stories about them). Loony Toon, aka Crazy Bitch, Psychotic Lunatic, Certifiable Whack Job and Fucking Wench also uses SAT but she uses it in its negative form. She makes up stories about people but then thinks it actually fact. Big big big mistake. I know the difference between “reality” and “coping mechanism”. She on the other hand is a certifiable nut bar who doesn’t. Case in point. She asked me one day if some part timers were coming in to work, I said no because it wasn’t their scheduled day to come in. A few minutes prior to her leaving they showed up (switched days). I was happy because it meant I didn’t have to work alone. “See they came in” she triumphed, “OK” I answered. Whatever, I had shit to do and she was talking to me. A few days later I learn that that little exchange we had, had in fact turned into a screaming match where, with the supervisors knowledge she had “told me off” severely and that I was the unreliable one and that I left the department crying. SAT for good and SAT for bad. Big difference.
SAT also helps with dealing with aggression in the work force and in social situations. Case in point. I’m sitting at my desk doing something to kill time (probably work but I can’t be sure) when Loony Toon starts talking to me. I share a four person cubicle with her unfortunately and can't always be rude to her. Sometimes I am and it usually shuts her up, but other times she misses the point of my sarcasm and goes on. On this day she was going on about some ridiculous matter of great importance when I wanted to take my keyboard and smack her across the face. Instead of doing that (which would have got me fired) I decided to put SAT into affect. In my minds eye I saw her head shrivel up and become the head of a baby. That on an ADD psychotic redhead is amusing. In addition to that I imagined her prancing around the office like a retired stripper with a baby head. All of a sudden she wasn’t quite as annoying to me anymore.
There are two side effects to the use of SAT. The first being that sometimes the scenarios I come up with seem so funny and so real to me that I laugh out loud and then people think I’m crazy. The second problem is revealing SAT to people you don’t know. Case in point, I went on a date recently with someone I met online. It was a nice Jewish dating site and we emailed and I always sound charming, funny, witty and confident on email. We met for a drink, I had a martini he had a beer and we shared a plate of pita chips with dips. Being someone who can’t control their liquor and suffering from verbal diarrhea I started explaining SAT to him. Needless to say I’ve yet to hear from him.