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Secrets in Love (1 Viewer)

N

Nightmare of Life

This part of the first scene. Please tell me what you think of it.

{Scene opens up onto a small-town restaurant where Lyn, Frieda, and another waitress are serving the late night customers. Frieda is off cleaning a table while Lyn is on the phone, the third waitress is offstage.}

[Audience can only hear Lyn's end of the conversation]

Lyn-

[Speaking impatiently and softly, as to not let Frieda hear what she is saying.]"Yes,I realize that...but it's not that important...Oh, honey, you know what I mean!

[She pauses to look for Frieda, who has moved one table closer, intent on hearing anything she says.] "Oh, fine. I'll tell her after our shifts tonight...Yeah, you know I love you." [She makes a kissing noise and then hangs up the phone, turning away from it. She looks at Frieda and she quickly turns away to hide her now rosy cheeks]

Janie-

[Walks into the restaurant from the back room and tugs on Lyn's sleeve, the counter is between them.]"So, who's the lucky guy?"

LYN-

[A devious look appears on her face] "What guy? There is no guy."

JANIE-

[Giving Lyn an equally devious look] "No guy? Then was that really a girl I heard on the phone? She had a deep voice, could'a sung bass in my old high school choir."

LYN-

[Now a look of feigned surprise upon her face] "You were listening in on our conversation? God in heaven, I would have never known hadn't it have been for the heavy breathing coming over the line."

JANIE-

[Still looking devious] "Oh, but I meant for you to notice. I really didn't want to listen in without some kind of approval from you."

LYN-

"I really didn't think one would break a friend's privacy for a little gossip."

JANIE-

"Oh, so I'm a friend now? Whose this guy anyway?" [Leans in across the counter] "Do I know him?"

LYN-

"Maybe you do, maybe you don't. Recognize the name Hank Harris?"

JANIE-

[Pausing, as if thinking] "Not off the top of my head, but I might have met him."

LYN-

"He owns the bar down the road, you know, Hank's Haven."

JANIE-

"Oh. So he's well off? How's he look?"

LYN-

"He has some money in the bank, yes. As for the way he looks, you'll see him tonight at the end of our shifts."

JANIE-

"So he's coming in to help you break the news to Freak-a over there, eh?" [Exit Frieda]

LYN-

"Yes he is, and don't call her Freak-a, she is my mother after all."

JANIE-

"But she acts like a freak around me. Anyway, why haven't you told her about the engagement yet? Why did I have to learn about it by eavesdropping? I thought I was a friend." [She winks.]

LYN-

"We haven't told mother about it yet, because she believes alcohol is evil, and in turn anyone who deals it is the devil. So she hates Hank for his bar, and for 'stealing' me away from her loving arms. We haven't told you because we wanted to keep it to ourselves for about a month."

JANIE-

"So you've kept it a secret an entire month?"

LYN-

"Give or take a few days." [Looking around again for Frieda, finding she had disappeared to the back room.]

JANIE-

"But your definitely telling her tonight?"

LYN-

[Hesitating] "Yeah. You sticking around?"

JANIE-

"For a little while. I want to see if this Hank is a hunk. But I don't want to be around when Freak-a starts throwing her fists around in a rampage.She's losing her favorite daughter tonight."

LYN-

"I'm her only daughter, and she's not losing me. She just has to share me."

JANIE-

"You know how greedy she is, she doesn't favor having to share anything."

LYN-

"I know, I'm her daughter, I was around her for eighteen years of my life. I know!"

JANIE-

"It had to be pretty bad growing up with her around."

LYN-

[Letting a sound of impatience enter her voice]

"It wasn't all bad. It only started when dad died."

JANIE-

"Yeah, but still, you were five when that happened. That's still a long time with the grouch."

JANIE-

"Yeah, but still, you were five when that happened. That's still a long time with the grouch."

LYN-

"Even so, she is my mother, and i can't hate her for dealing with me all my life."

JANIE-

"That's another reason I think she's weird. Anyone who has willingly been around you for more than a year must be a little nutty."

LYN-

[Punches Janie lightly, laughs and walks down the counter, washing it with a rag.]

"You've been here two years."

JANIE-

[Following her]

"I never said I was normal."

LYN-

[Looking at Janie]

"But you implied it."

JANIE-

"Maybe I did. So what?"

LYN-

[Frieda enters from the back room. Lyn sees this as a good opportunity to get Frieda in a good mood. She speaks loud enough for Frieda to hear.]

"Look, even though you may find her to be a bit odd, you are not normal enough to be saying such things. And, on top of that, I'd have to sock you in the face to defend my family's honor. She is my mother and I love her for putting up with me." [She winks, Frieda looks touched, and rushes into the back room to hide her tears.]

JANIE-

[Is taken aback, recoils in defense.] [A man enters the restaurant.]

"This one is mine." [She walks away briskly and seats the man.]

LYN-

[Calling to Janie]

"Come one, Janie! It was only a joke!" [Janie goes about her business, ignoring Lyn. She becomes angry at something the man says and stalks over to Lyn.]

JANIE-

"He wants you to serve him!" [She shoves the menus into Lyn's arms and walks away again.]
 

wmd

Senior Member
Well, you know someone is going to say it so let it be me... format is wrong. Is this a screenplay, or a stageplay?

Now that that is out of the way. It kind of drags. The conversation is not really catching my attention. It might just not be my type of story, but with a good hook I will read anything.
 
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