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Seasons of Us (1 Viewer)

Annie. Marie

Senior Member


But imagine our world
The grass enamored with the sun
The waves caressed by the moon
The night air chilled within a warm outlining
Every cricket, a chirp, applauding our desire

But imagine our world
Steam tracing our faces
as we send it way with calm breath
The taste of leaves
bringing us full circle
with the whispering of the fallen outside
Every step, a crunch, applauding our courage

But imagine our world
The laughter of a child
choreographing each dance
falling from the sky
The secrets of the ground
safe and covered
Every fire, a crackle, applauding our depth

But imagine our world
The reemergence of creation
fertilized by destruction
The symphony immersion
persuading others
to start again
Every raindrop, a patter, applauding our faith

But imagine our world
What it could be
if we stopped listening to words
but instead
listened to calls
Every moment, a tick, applauding us.


 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member


But imagine our world
The grass enamored with the sun
The waves caressed by the moon
The night air chilled within a warm outlining
Every cricket, a chirp, applauding our desire

But imagine our world
Steam tracing our faces
as we send it way with calm breath
The taste of leaves
bringing us full circle
with the whispering of the fallen outside
Every step, a crunch, applauding our courage

But imagine our world
The laughter of a child
choreographing each dance
falling from the sky
The secrets of the ground
safe and covered
Every fire, a crackle, applauding our depth

But imagine our world
The reemergence of creation
fertilized by destruction
The symphony immersion
persuading others
to start again
Every raindrop, a patter, applauding our faith

But imagine our world
What it could be
if we stopped listening to words
but instead
listened to calls
Every moment, a tick, applauding us.



Absolutely beautiful. The imagery, the rhythm, the flow and the last stanza and the last line..... Every moment, a tick applauding us... I will read it again.

Thanks Annie for sharing it here.

Ritu
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor


But imagine our world
The grass enamored with the sun
The waves caressed by the moon
The night air chilled within a warm outlining
Every cricket, a chirp, applauding our desire

But imagine our world
Steam tracing our faces
as we send it way with calm breath
The taste of leaves
bringing us full circle
with the whispering of the fallen outside
Every step, a crunch, applauding our courage

But imagine our world
The laughter of a child
choreographing each dance
falling from the sky
The secrets of the ground
safe and covered
Every fire, a crackle, applauding our depth

But imagine our world
The reemergence of creation
fertilized by destruction
The symphony immersion
persuading others
to start again
Every raindrop, a patter, applauding our faith

But imagine our world
What it could be
if we stopped listening to words
but instead
listened to calls
Every moment, a tick, applauding us.



I can see you love words. It flows together very nicely. The only thing that felt forced and out of place was 'choreographing' and 'fertilised by destruction'.
 

happy-hippie

Senior Member


But imagine our world
The grass enamored with the sun
The waves caressed by the moon
The night air chilled within a warm outlining
Every cricket, a chirp, applauding our desire

But imagine our world
Steam tracing our faces
as we send it way with calm breath
The taste of leaves
bringing us full circle
with the whispering of the fallen outside
Every step, a crunch, applauding our courage

But imagine our world
The laughter of a child
choreographing each dance
falling from the sky
The secrets of the ground
safe and covered
Every fire, a crackle, applauding our depth

But imagine our world
The reemergence of creation
fertilized by destruction
The symphony immersion
persuading others
to start again
Every raindrop, a patter, applauding our faith

But imagine our world
What it could be
if we stopped listening to words
but instead
listened to calls
Every moment, a tick, applauding us.


Hey Annie, this is very sweet.

I really liked stanza 4. It was my favorite stanza when I first read it. My favorite line was "fertilized by destruction(and this was before I read Az's comment). I thought it was such a powerful line. I would never have thought to put those words together. It yells hope to me---if that makes sense. I am not someone who is good at critiquing poems so take it for what it's worth.

As for Edits:Stanza 1, Line 4 - is it outline? or is there a word that's supposed to come between warm and outlining
Stanza 2, Line three - is it supposed to be away instead of way.

Hope this helps.

Lovely poem. thank you for sharing.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I think this is lovely, if I had to be really picky I find the use of But at the beginning of each stanza creates a block and jars the rhythm somewhat. For me But becomes a word that signals the start of a contradiction, I hope that makes some sense? If I had to suggest anything I would say maybe alternate the use of but at the beginning of each stanza.

Cheers

Syd
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
Hello,

I think this is lovely, if I had to be really picky I find the use of But at the beginning of each stanza creates a block and jars the rhythm somewhat. For me But becomes a word that signals the start of a contradiction, I hope that makes some sense? If I had to suggest anything I would say maybe alternate the use of but at the beginning of each stanza.

Cheers

Syd


I can see what you mean. Thank you for your feedback!
 
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